The Journey Begins

I guess this is the part where the story is told ...

Once upon a time a man and woman met and fell madly in love. They were together for four years before they got married and all they talked about was the day that they would start their family and how exciting it would be. Nearly 21 months after the wedding, 14 months of 'actively' trying to conceive later, here we are.

My husband and I had taken a couple 'breaks' from trying to conceive due to some of the stress and pressure it was taking on us as well as the fact that I had accepted a new job and we moved into our new home. There were so many times over the past year and half that I questioned whether or not there was a problem. My mom kept telling me that we were putting too much pressure on ourselves and although part of me wanted her validation that there was a problem, it is not NORMAL to go this long without getting pregnant, another part of me wanted to believe her. Maybe we did want it too much and were stressing and putting a lot of pressure on ourselves. So each month I would go through the dreaded TWW (two week wait) and wonder if this was going to be 'the' month. And then the disappointment would kick in for Aunt Flow (AF: aka period), arrived. In the first several months I spent so much on pregnancy tests, testing the day before AF ('cause of course the commercials saying you can KNOW before seemed so right!), testing the day of AF, if I didn't get it first thing in the morning. Sometimes I would even test after AF, there are so many similar symptoms so maybe what I experienced was implantation bleeding right? Ya, it got to the point where I was telling myself everything and anything to believe I could be pregnant. Now I am to the point where it is less pain to not be hopeful. AF was late one month, very unusual for me, and I made the mistake of actually believing and being hopeful that I could be pregnant. The hurt, anger and frustration that came when AF finally showed her ugly self was unbearable and I was nearly ready to give up. Now, although we are still trying, I try not to be too hopeful, it is almost to the point where I am expecting AF to show up each month instead of dreaming of the possibility of having a child. Is that the right approach? Who knows, I don't think there is a rule book about this type of thing. All I know is that I am tired of hurting (emotionally) all the time.

Around the same time that we started to conceive, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder, Fibromyalgia. I was in constant agony and of course that does not help with doing the 'deed'. I had gone to a Naturopathic Dr. and was taking supplements to assist with the pain, doing acupuncture to help with pain and fertility, and pretty much was open to trying anything recommended to 'help', but after four months of experiencing no differences I stopped all of that.

With all that I have experienced over the past two years with my body, it is hard to not feel as though it is giving up on me. I dream of having a family and playing, having fun, but then I wonder if I would even be able to do any of that. I can barely walk for 15 minutes without having extreme pain how am I going to run after toddlers? I wonder if my inability to get pregnant is because I would be a 'bad' mom. Not being able to do the things I dream of, but of course my brain tells me that is just nonsense, there are ways that play time could be adapted and adjusted and I know that, but my heart screams out every so often and does not think rationally. What other reason could there be?

It gets harder when it seems like daily I am hearing about yet another person who is pregnant. My heart aches with each and every announcement I hear. I am super excited for those who are pregnant but there is a part of me that just wants to cry. It is the hole in my heart and arms that aches and I just wish each time that it was me making that announcement. I am angry that things have been so difficult for us and I HATE life for that reason. It is hard to explain to people that I can feel joy and pain at the same time. I am happy for them and hurt for myself and although I have to distance myself from their pregnancy and babies, it has nothing to do with them but all because of the emotions and the loss that I feel for myself. I explained it once as 'It is not about 'them' having what we don't have, but it's about us not having what 'they' have'. Talk about a confusing description considering they are both the same, just in reverse, however to me the statements have different meanings.

So our journey continues. We have spoken to our family physician and he agrees that it is not typical for couples to go this long without conceiving and therefore we have been referred to a Fertility clinic. We went for our first visit with the Dr. at the end of March and found out that we had to wait until the beginning of my next cycle in order to start the investigations. This past Sunday, Easter Sunday, was Day three of my cycle and therefore I had to go in for blood work and an internal ultrasound (apparently these are the norm), I was then informed that the Dr wants to monitor my cycle to see when I ovulate and therefore I have to go back five to seven times within the next three weeks and I am also scheduled for a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography (this procedure is used to look for abnormalities of the uterus and endometrium, such as begnin growths (such as polyps or fibroids), cancer, or endometrial thickening). Once they have determined when I do ovulate, I will then have to go back one week later for a 3D ultrasound for the final look.

Well you are pretty much caught up now, I go for the Sonohysterography on Saturday and then will continue with the cycle monitoring. Once all of this is completed we will go back and speak to the Dr. about all of the results and find out what the next steps will be. Hardest part thus far of the Trying to Conceive Journey is the waiting period, whether is for test results or to see if we are pregnant or not.

Someone suggested that I start a blog about my TTC (Trying to Conceive) Journey and at first I thought it wasn't a good idea. I don't want people knowing what it is my head, heck half of the time I don't even want to be alone with my thoughts, but then the more I thought about it, it seemed like a good idea, at the very least I should give a try. When my husband and I were in the Fertility clinic we saw a lot of couples there, in fact we considered the place to be quite busy although the staff told us it was a 'slow' day. I realized then that so many people suffer alone. I posted something on my facebook about our struggles and had seven friends reach out to me to share their stories and support. This is something that affects so many people and yet nobody knows about it! If I can give a voice, if it is only from my perspective, about the struggles couples face then I guess it is worth opening myself up. With that being said, please bear with me for I have a lot to say and sometimes am not good at organizing my thoughts and this whole blogging/journaling thing is quite new to me!