We had a nice relaxing Christmas with my in-laws. Honestly it turned out perfectly! My in-laws lost their internet just before we arrived and didn't get it back until after we had left. Which meant that I was not tempted to go on social media where I would see all of the pictures of happy families with their children on Christmas morning. My husband had also talked to his family and asked them to minimize talking about pregnant people/babies due to how vulnerable/sad I had been over the past few weeks. They respected that (which was greatly appreciated) and I didn't realize until the drive home how truly relaxing and wonderful the few days we had spent there had been. I felt rejuvenated and ready to embark on our next steps!
So we said goodbye to 2014 and hello to 2015! The year where things will finally start changing for us! It just has to right?? After two and half years of struggling with infertility things just have to finally turn around for us, right??. So then all we had to do is wait for my period to arrive and then we could get the process started for our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).
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| Schedule of medications and blood work/ultrasound appointments.
I have had people ask what occurs through the process so I'll take a moment now just to explain it. Once I get my period, I contact the clinic to schedule my first blood work/ultrasound appointment. The first appointment is typically Day 2 or 3 of the cycle (CD 1 being the start of the period).
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| I've suggested that they put up cartoons for us to look at while we are laying on the table, still waiting for that to happen! |
I have internal ultrasounds each time, as well as the blood work, and 1 visit I have to do a full bladder, external ultrasound. The purpose of the external ultrasound is to ensure there are no anomalies such as cysts or fibroids. The internal ultrasounds are to monitor the growth of the follicles, which hold the eggs (Follicles produce the hormones estrogen and progesterone and release an egg when you ovulate - Mayo clinic description). The Dr. monitors the growth of the follicle(s) to ensure that they are growing and will be mature and healthy enough by the time ovulation occurs. Typically the healthy follicles range from 18-36mm however, my Dr. stated that he preferred them over 20mm.
Fun part is the medications! Not ... I actually cried in the pharmacy when I picked up the gonal-f needles, after I saw the price. I knew it was going to be expensive, I just hadn't realized how much! The pharmacy technician was super sweet and understanding, which helped a little. (Thank you places of employment for specifically excluding Fertility medications from their insurance plans!!). I took Femera (Letrozole - used to stimulate the follicles) from CD 3 - 7, Gonal-F (as seen above - also a follicle stimulator to increase the amount of follicles growing) from CD 6 - 12 and then I triggered on CD 13 with Ovidrel (it's called a trigger because it 'triggers' ovulation, or for those who do ovulate on their own, it ensures that it happens within a certain time frame and releases the eggs). I was okay with giving myself the 'trigger' needles before, when it as only once a cycle however, I was not ready to give myself a needle daily from CD 6 - 13!! Hubby was great, he was willing to help but I wanted to be able to do it myself, so he assisted with getting everything for me and then he was the 'counter' to ensure I left the needle in long enough. It was good because it made him feel as though he had a part in the process, and it helped to keep me calm through it as well, because he was there with me.
Since I ovulated on my own, once the LH surge was detected our IUI would be scheduled for the following morning. We decided that we would spend the night in a hotel because hubby had to have his 'contribution' to the lab by 6:45am. With Mississauga being over an hour away from us there was no way we wanted to have to deal with that drive that early in the morning! Thankfully my sister in-law was able to help us out and spent the night with our dog and cat. Unfortunately though, that took several days of emails trying to keep her posted on potential time frames, but we really didn't know until the afternoon before when the IUI would be. (Thank you SIL for being so flexible!)
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The IUI itself was around 8:30am. Hubby made his 'delivery' and then came back to the hotel to get me and we headed to the clinic for the procedure. As you can imagine we were excited and scared, anxious and happy, although if anything I think we just look tired in the picture.
The IUI was not painful, however it was uncomfortable. They used a speculum (similar to a pap smear) to open the cervix and then they inserted a catheter to inject the sperm. I experienced a lot of deep cramping which lasted about a day and half otherwise it was a simple procedure. Afterwards I had to lay still for about five minutes and then we were free to go so that we could start the dreaded two week wait (tww).
The evening after the procedure I had to start taking progesterone suppositories twice a day. When I had gone for my initial investigation testing, it was indicated that my progesterone levels were low after ovulation (I was at 7 and the Dr. prefers the levels to be above 10), and therefore if there was a pregnancy I was at higher risk of miscarriage, or it not sticking. Thankfully I had a couple days off of work when I started the progesterone because, other than having to get used to 'administering them', it made me incredibly tired and 'zoned' out. I thought it was due to just being tired but after reading up on the medications and talking to a friend, I think it was from the progesterone. After three days the exhaustion was still there but I started to feel as though I had at least a little energy again.
It was a long couple of weeks and we had a lot of exciting things happen for us. Due to my chronic pain issues my husband and I decided to purchase a new home, a bungalow, so that when we do have a baby I won't have to worry about climbing stairs to the nursery several times a day. Our current house had been on the market for about a week and half and actually sold the same day we had the IUI!! Now this was shocking to us because houses typically take three months to sell in this area, and also the house we bought is a new build and won't be ready until the end of June, so we wanted a July closing date. We were so thrilled and excited and started to wonder if this was a sign that things were finally going to start looking up for us. We were hopeful and giddy and talking about the baby 'that could be'.
Another small part of me was hopeful due to an experience I had a couple years back. Several months after we first started trying to conceive, I had gone to a psychic fair with one of my hubby's cousins. I was told that I wouldn't conceive anytime soon (which came true), and that my first would be conceived in January. I thought that she had meant the January coming up, which would have been last year however, with our IUI being January 30th, and with everything else that had gone on, I couldn't help but wonder if this was the sign that our infertility journey was coming to end and that the prediction was going to come true.
A blood test, called a Beta, is taken two weeks after ovulation to detect the hcg (human chorionic gonadotrpin) hormone, which is a sign of pregnancy. If the hcg hormone is detected then a second blood test is completed two days later to ensure that the levels are doubling, which would indicate a progressing pregnancy. If the hormone is not detected, then it means the procedure was not successful.
Our fist IUI was not successful. I had been working from home the day of the blood test and was actually on the phone with a client when the clinic called. I let it go to voice mail and then when I was off the phone, with all the positive thoughts I could muster, I checked the message. 'So sorry your test was negative. Please stop taking the progesterone and call us when your period starts to schedule your CD 2/3 blood work/ultrasound to start again'. How to describe how I felt when I hear that, well I think the picture below depicts it very well. I felt empty. I felt that I had just gotten a call that a close family member had died. I couldn't stop crying and just kept thinking how unfair life is. I knew my husband was eagerly awaiting the results as well but how could I call him at work and tell him that all of our hopes had been shattered? So I sat by myself for the next few hours, crying off an on waiting for him to come home. I messaged a couple of close friends who had also been eagerly awaiting the results, but I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't know what I could say other than choke on my tears. Hubby called me on the way home from work, I thought about not answering his call but knew that would worry him, so instead I tried to be as chipper as possible and told him that we could talk when he got home. He came in the door with a very long face, already suspecting the results I would be sharing with him. I started to cry, he started to cry and we just embraced one another. But how do we console one another? I so much just wanted to stay with him embraced, but then I also wanted to run away. I can't help but feel as though this was all my fault and I wasn't sure I wanted to be consoled either due to my anger.
I decided to take the following day off of work because I was still feeling very fragile emotionally. I hear a song lyric, I start crying, someone messages me to be supportive and I start crying. I didn't think that I could productively be at work, especially since there would be pregnant women there. I just needed time to compose myself and work my way through the stages of grief. It is hard to explain to someone who has never been through this that it really is a loss. It is not about 'better luck next time', because although we will keep trying, there is no guarantee it is going to happen. This is a loss, a death of a loved one that has never existed. How to explain that, although I have never been pregnant, I am loosing a child each month. I decided to go and get a hair cut, just to distract myself and get out of the house. It was all fine until the stylist asked me if I had any kids. The tears started again and I couldn't help wonder why people feel the need to ask those questions as small talk. I told her I had a dog and cat and while trying to compose myself. After several minutes I briefly shared our struggles, to explain my tears, and then we didn't talk about it again. I ended up crying the whole car ride home, just feeling incredibly sad, empty, and very very angry. I didn't even care at that moment if the car went off of the road. I wasn't suicidal, I just didn't see a point in life anymore. But then I reminded myself that I have been here before. I know it is going to take me a few days just to 'be okay', and that was fine with me. I don't want to hide my grief. I need to feel the pain. I know once I go through the emotions I will be better able to move forward and try again. So I may not be okay today, but I will be tomorrow.
So now we wait for my period to start so we can do the whole process again ... Am I ready? Emotionally no, but I will do whatever it takes to continue our journey with trying to have a baby.
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