Moving on to IVF

On April 7th we met with our fertility Dr. to talk about next steps. We weren't surprised when he brought up IVF, due to our two cycles of IUI with super ovulation being unsuccessful and his telling us originally that he wouldn't recommend doing any more. He reiterated that there are still potential reasons as to why we have not yet conceived such as 1. the shell of the egg being too thick, 2. poor overall egg quality, and 3. the sperm being unable to fertilize the egg. We are hopeful that we will get more answers but honestly I am not going to hold my breath. For the past two and half years, through my diagnosis with Fibromyalgia and Infertility, every test I have undergone has come back 'normal'. So I honestly feel that we are just going to be that couple that will always be unexplained, which is incredibly frustrating. 

We wanted to get started right away but we found out that we had to meet with the IVF nurse first and have all the criteria met from a check list. Since my period was due that weekend we started to think that it wasn't going to happen this cycle. We really wanted this cycle because we are moving in July and therefore wanted a couple months under us if it was successful, the timing would be perfect. If we held off then we weren't sure if we should go ahead in May or if we should wait until after the move. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that any longer. The IVF nurse fit us into her schedule on Friday so we got everything completed and then my period arrived on Saturday. Everything was good to go to start our CD 2 Ultrasound and blood work on Sunday! The injections also started on Sunday, which is different from the IUI cycles, for we started off with pills and moved to injections on CD 6, whereas now we went to straight injections, at a much higher dose, and will stay on them until the retrieval. 

Initially I was filled with so much hope. Again, it seemed like everything was going to work out for us, but then reality kicked in. We've been here before, thinking that everything was falling into place only to be crushed. I have also heard of so many failures lately that it is has really shaken me. In the past little while I have known four couples that have gone through IVF. For most it was not even their first time. Out of the four, two got positive Beta's, out of those two, only one has so far had a viable pregnancy, although she has had her fair share of struggles from loosing one of the twins to nearly loosing the remaining one. I have also heard from a few friends that have had recent miscarriages. I then start to worry that even if we are successful, it will end badly for us. Now I know that these are not my stories, but I can't help but think that they could be.

These fears then lead to an overall questioning of everything. I often wonder if I am being punished for something, or if this is a way to end the ongoing cycle of crap in my life.

I wouldn't say that I have had a horrible life overall but it definitely has been a challenge. I don't really remember my childhood, I get snippet pictures here and there but I think they are mostly from stories others have told me, rather than my own memories. So I would say my challenges started in my early teens with living with mental health issues with one of my parents. It then went on to dealing with my own in my late teens and early twenties. I still struggle with my anxiety disorder however, it has been under control without medication for a couple of years now, and now I have my struggles with chronic pain. I know I don't want any kids we have to have the same struggles I did and therefore there are times when I wonder if this is 'life's' way of ending that cycle naturally. Of course I know that this is ridiculous because if that were the case then drug addicts would never get pregnant, but there is an emotional aspect, having not fully dealt with everything, that creeps up and puts these thoughts in my head. I felt that things had changed for me. I met this great guy, completely different from others that I had dated, someone who was kind, caring, and outstanding in every way possible and we decided to get married. Now we did have our struggles early on and it nearly ended our relationship however, we worked hard at making everything okay. We knew we loved one another and we were willing to use elbow grease to make things better for us. I will say we were quite successful at that and I honestly cannot imagine my life without him. We have worked so hard to make ourselves healthier and happier and I wonder why this baby just won't come now. There must be another reason! I know there isn't, sometimes life just sucks and bad things happen to good people and there is no other reason for it. But our brains cannot accept that. We look for some reason to explain the unexplained. 

Now my challenge is to accept those feelings but to move away from them. I cannot dwell in the past nor in the future, I have to work on keeping myself calm and centered on the here and now. As difficult as it is I have to be hopeful that it will work, but I can also be cautious at the same time. 

So here we go ....

IUI #2

Right after we got our negative Beta from our first IUI we started the process for our second one. I told myself that I would not get my hopes up as much as last time and that I would look at this realistically. Most people I talked to went on about being hopeful. They hoped it worked for us and would tell me that I needed to be hopeful, but they just didn't understand that the 'hope' is what hurts the most. Sure I want to be hopeful that it works, and I truly am, but I also have to be realistic that nothing has worked thus far and that the percentages are low of it working again.

So we went through the whole process again. My husband and I decided that this time I would let the call for our Beta results go to voice mail and that we would listen to it together when we both got home for work. It was a long afternoon knowing that I had the answer sitting there on my phone.

Surprise surprise, the beta came back negative. I told myself that it was okay, we knew this was going to happen and to be strong. My husband and I had prepared ourselves, talking about what we would do for next steps and making plans. Although, I actually thought that by preparing for the next steps we wouldn't need it. I was angry, but I felt that I was taking the results better than I had the previous month. That was, until I got to work the next day. Within thirty minutes of being at work I was a water works show. I could not stop crying and I couldn't even talk. Perhaps it was the all the hormone drugs along with the negative beta, or perhaps the grief was just finally kicking in.

The nurse informed us that our treatment would be on hold now until we met with the Dr. to review next steps. Thankfully we got an appointment within four weeks, so that gave us a much needed break but still within a good time frame to move forward because moving forward is all we can do. Blindly and achingly.