Next Steps

For those who have been following our story I guess I will just pick up where I last left off... We were a week away from our follow up appointment with our fertility Dr. when we got a call to push it back yet again. We were informed that the Dr. had a meeting he had to attend and therefore needed to re-book. They wanted us to go in the same day as the scheduled appointment, but instead of 5pm they wanted us to be there for 8:30am. Thankfully they were able to get us in that Friday instead since that didn't work for us. In the meantime I had contacted the manager of the office because by that point I was so angry with how many times our appointment had been rescheduled and the fact that the information I had asked to have sent the specialist had not been sent. I pointed out that changing an appointment a Friday before the Monday appointment due to a scheduled meeting was unprofessional and unacceptable. She validated the experience and how angry I was and expressed that although it happened to us, it was an anomaly for their office. She advised that she would speak to the staff about getting patient requests completed in a timely manner and further informed me that they would be making changes to how they book appointments after procedures, to ensure that people got to see the Dr. and get their results in a timely manner. I felt that they heard my concerns and actually took to heart what I was saying. Furthermore, the fact that they have taken feedback (most likely more than just mine) and were implementing changes was a wonderful thing! So, we decided to stick with them. I think no matter where we go there is going to be some issues (or so I've read), so I feel good staying with them knowing that at least we have a very personable Doctor.

The Doctor confirmed that the results from the Laparoscopy were clear. I do not have endometriosis nor any explanation as to why we haven't conceived yet. It is also unclear as to why I have the increased pain on my right side during ovulation and menses. We did learn a little more about conception and issues that people may have though, which I thought were very interesting. He shared that there are a few reasons why couples are unable to conceive which are not found until they get to the IVF stage such as: 1. the shell of the egg is too hard for the sperm to penetrate 2. the sperm is unable to fertilize the egg and 3. overall poor egg quality. The more I am learning about this process, the more I am honestly wondering how anyone actually gets pregnant on their own ... such a mystery!

So, at this point we are still considered to have unexplained infertility. Our Dr. is suggesting that we get a little more aggressive with our treatments meaning that he wants to increase the medications in order to release more eggs at ovulation. The new treatment plan includes more needles, which I am NOT looking forward to, but I know my hubby will help out if needed. Our Dr. feels that we should be fine to 'do the deed' on our own however, due to my chronic pain issues and wanting to optimize our chances he has agreed to do an IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) along with the increase in meds. We figure we'll resume our treatments in the new year. I have other health issues that we are looking into, to rule out possible auto-immune issues (the colonoscopy), and then we'll get through the Christmas holidays before starting the new regime.

Part of me wants to be hopeful, we will be starting a new treatment plan which is going to be more aggressive, but it's hard to be optimistic. So much can go wrong. I have low progesterone so once we've completed the IUI I will have to take progesterone suppositories in order to raise my levels. This will hopefully make a more conducive environment for a baby to grow. After that there is still so much that can go wrong. We haven't even gotten to the pregnancy stage and I am already worried about the possibility of loosing it. I know I am going to be super happy once I do get that BFP, but I know that I will worry right up until the day of delivery that something horrible would/could go wrong. I have heard so many different stories and experienced losses with friends and family that I know it will be hard not to think about all of it when it does finally happen for us, but I guess I'll have to wait to cross that bridge when we get to it.

The past year I have been in a  dark place emotionally. I know I have been struggling with our infertility and dealing with my chronic pain issues at the same time, and I was angry. It has taken time but I was truly starting to feel that I was coming out from under that dark cloud. I wasn't feeling as 'poor me' as I had been and I was becoming more optimistic and hopeful. Unfortunately it isn't lasting and I feel that it is slowly creeping away from me again. I have been bombarded with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and with each one another part of me crumbles. It is so hard to explain to someone that although I am super sad and angry about our situation, I am happy for them. It is just really hard to be around constant baby and pregnancy talk. I put a smile on my face and contribute to the conversation and then I get away or change the subject as soon as I can. Majority of the time I feel like crying inside. One of my coworkers recently had a baby and brought her newborn son into the office for a visit. Everyone was so happy to see the new baby and honestly, I felt as though I was going to have a panic attack. I quickly said hello but then I had to get away. It took everything inside of me to stop the tears from coming, so I just jumped right into work and started making phone calls to distract myself. Now, I would never ask pregnant coworkers to not talk about their pregnancies or to not bring their babies in to show off, but I am hopeful that they (all coworkers) can respect that I cannot be around it (conversations and babies) constantly (or sometimes at all).

This whole experience has really opened my eyes. I have thought about what I've said to people in the past and how it could have come across as insensitive and, although I am sure I will still mess up, I am trying hard to think about other's situations and how what I could say would impact them. One example I can think of is talking to a single mother coworker of mine. We had been talking about houses and I was saying how great and helpful my husband was. She was alone, having to do it all herself, and here I was, insensitively saying over and over everything my hubby did to help. Although my appreciation for my husband is valid I recognize that it was not an appropriate time to talk about it. I feel I should not have spoken about it as much as I did and although we could have had the same conversation, we could have focused on other aspects. There are so many situations and experiences that are different from our own and lots of times we say things that are potentially insensitive and hurtful because we are ignorant to it. I personally want to try to be more sensitive to what other's go through, just as I am hopeful that other's would want to be more sensitive to what we are going through.

So now we prepare for the holiday season. Another year without a baby to spoil. Another year without the line ups to see Santa or the 5am wake up because they are just so excited that Santa is coming ... call me crazy, but I am really looking forward to having it all one day. In the meantime I am just hoping for a week of no baby talk and no pregnancy announcements. We are spending a few days with hubby's family, so it should be a quiet Christmas. Here's hoping that 2015 brings the good news that we are looking for and I truly hope that those who are also struggling on this journey get their miracles as well!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Could It Be? I should have known better

Since our follow up appointment with the Fertility Dr. wasn't scheduled until November we were on our own in the meantime. My husband and I both knew that we would not stop trying even if it meant we had no help. We were going to do what we could to keep our family building plans going. Honestly, I wasn't very optimistic that it would work. It has been over two years since we initially started trying and if we were going to be successful on our own, I felt it would have happened by now. But regardless, I was not ready to throw in the towel!

So that's what we did. We kept trudging along like we always do. I actually felt as though there was not as much pressure on us since I wasn't overly optimistic it would work anyways. I asked myself if maybe that's what people called 'not trying'.  Since so many people told us that if we 'stopped trying' then we'd get pregnant, I wondered if this could really work (yes conflicting with my not being optimistic but nobody said it had to make any sense!).


We'll fast forward the ovulation time for I am sure no-one really wants to hear about our sex life (anymore than is already being shared, lol). So now we've come to waiting for AF (Aunt Flow). I was expecting AF to arrive, like it always does, and was just looking forward to finally getting some answers and looking at next steps at our upcoming appointment. Well, CD (cycle day) 27 came and nothing had happened. This is significant for me because I tend to spot one to two days prior to AF and I have been pretty much like clock work with getting AF on CD 27. I was curious what my body was doing however, I still was not too hopeful for there have been a few occasions (in the past couple years) that I have gotten AF on CD 28. CD 29 the absolute latest. So I waited. On CD 29 there was still no signs that AF was arriving so I decided to take a pregnancy test.

It was negative or BFN (Big Fat Negative) as we like to call it in the infertile world. Part of me was thinking that I was just going to be late and that I shouldn't get my hopes up while another part of me said that false negative can happen. It is always the balance of wanting to be hopeful while also wanting to be realistic and protect myself from pain. I decided to wait it out yet again, I told myself that I would wait until the weekend, and that if I still had not seen any signs then I would test again. In the evening of CD 30 (Friday), I had some bleeding when I went for a bowel movement (TMI I know), but then it went away. There was no more spotting or any other signs. I woke up the next morning and still nothing! So took another pregnancy test ... BFN! By now it was soo frustrating because I had no clue what was going on. I have never been this late before! If I wasn't pregnant then where was AF?? About an hour after being awake I went for another bowel movement and yet again had more bleeding, which went away right after. I looked it up (Yes, I Googled it!) and this is something that is not unheard of in early pregnancy so I continued to wait. ... To be hopeful or not to be hopeful that is the struggle. I think I have said it before but the waiting game is one of the hardest parts of this journey, not knowing either way and being in limbo.


Well, I finally got my answer several hours later. With massive stomach cramps and a heavy flow to boot. I honestly really should have known better. It was too good to be true, to actually think that I could have been pregnant. My original thoughts, that this wouldn't work on our own, should have stayed with me from the get go but I am human. It is so hard not to be hopeful even if we want to keep it at arms length. The thing that makes me feel the stupidest is that the previous day I had actually been talking to my stomach on the way to work. I told our hypothetical 'little bean' that we loved it already so much even though we didn't yet know if it was real. I told it all about our dog and cat and what our family was like. I asked it to just 'hang in there' so that we could meet it. I allowed myself to feel happy, feel as though this could really be a possibility and when AF reared her ugly face, I felt really stupid for it. But I know I would do it again, over and over because that is what this journey does to you. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Laparoscopy

September 4, 2014 I went for the Transvaginal Endoscopy with possible Laparoscopy. I cannot lie, the experience as a whole was not pleasant for me. My husband and I arrived at the hospital the required two hours before the scheduled procedure. The drive was over an hour so we had to leave around 9am, which was great because at least we got to sleep in. My procedure was scheduled for 12:30pm however I did not go back to the preparation area until nearly 1:30pm. It was probably closer to 2pm when I actually went in for the procedure. That alone is not a problem, I do understand that things can take longer than anticipated however, the fact that we were there for such a long time without my being able to take any of my pain medication, was a problem. Due to a lot of my pain being in my lower back, hip, and pelvis I am very particular about where I sit. I need to be conscientious of the level of support in order to be comfortable. The chairs, as you can imagine in a hospital, were not that supportive or comfortable at all, so after three hours of sitting in them I was in quite a bit of pain. I was grateful to have finally been called back to the preparation area for at least then I could lay down, even if the bed was a little hard.

The next step was probably the most painful and unpleasant out of the whole experience. The

Bruise one hour after blood work

technician came to insert my IV and decided he wanted to do blood work for a pregnancy test as well. When I signed in I had spoken to the nurse and informed her that due to my parents visiting for two weeks and my husband's parents visiting for one week in August we had decided to hold off that month. I informed her that we had had a negative pregnancy test in July and I had also just had my period a few days prior therefore, there would be no chance that we were pregnant. She told me that I would not need the blood work but the technician wanted to play it safe. He briefly looked at my arm and then decided that he was going to put the needle in the middle of my forearm. He jammed the needle in and was pushing it around looking for the 'right spot' and trying to get the desired amount of blood. He was also using force with his hand and thumb to try to direct the blood to the needle. It was so painful that I had tears streaming down my face. I have never experienced blood work as painful as this before. After several moments he told me that he had 'good' and 'bad' news. The good news was that he got the blood work he needed, the bad news, he couldn't leave the IV where it was. I asked him if he was not able to just put it into my hand, since although it is painful, past experiences have proven that blood work and IV is successful there. So in the hand the IV went. He again jammed the needle into my vein and poked around for a little bit, creating more tears and discomfort. From that moment until I was given the anesthetic all I could feel was a needle in my hand. It was throbbing, aching and so uncomfortable.  The anesthesiologist offered to have the needle moved but I made it quite clear that I did not want anyone to touch it at that point.

Bruise 2 days after procure. 

When my Fertility Dr. came to talk to us just before the surgery he asked me how everything was going. I told him that I had just finished my period a few days prior and that when it had started the pain in my right pelvic area, hip and low back was through the roof. He decided to skip the Transvaginal Endoscopy(the exploratory portion of the procedure) and just go right to the Laparoscopy for he felt there was something there. The Dr. walked me to the OR and in my attempts to alleviate my nerves I told him that the IV technician was not in my good books! We were able to have a little laugh over this at least.

I must say, the best part of this whole experience was the 45 minute sleep I had during the procedure. I woke up in the recovery area and was given some ginger ale and a Popsicle, first thing I had had to eat or drink since 8pm the previous night. I remember having only been awake for a few moments, but really who knows cause it's very disorienting, when the Dr. came to check in on me. He told me that I did not have endometriosis then made a comment about my bowels. Tears started streaming down my face. It was a punch to my gut. I had been excited for the possibility of having answers and my worst fear was having none. At that moment I felt as though my worst fear had come true. He told me that he would talk to me later when I had woken up more and so I was eager to hear what he did find. I went back into the Day Surgery section and was slowly getting ready to leave when I asked the nurse if the Dr. was coming back to talk to us. After some inquiring on his whereabouts it was discovered that he had left for the day. A message was left with him however it was unlikely he would return. Prior to the procedure I had asked if the Dr. would tell me what the outcome and was reassured that he would speak to me before and after. I was upset that he had left without even so much as talking to my husband and that now we would have to wait for the results for the follow up appointment which would not to be booked for 4 - 6 weeks later, according to the information given to us.

I went home with my prescription only realizing after we had already left that I was due for my next dose of pain killers at the same time they released me. We drove the 1+ hour drive home in rush hour traffic with no further medication, which again, was not the best experience. I am grateful to my husband for trying to avoid the heavier traffic areas as much as possible and getting me right to the pharmacy when we got back into town. We dropped off the prescription and then he took me home to rest while he went back to pick it up (Shh, don't tell them that he left me alone for 20 mins!).

My husband was great over the next few days. He had to stay home the following day as well since I was not able to be alone for 24 hours after the procedure. He was the best (and strictest) nurse I could have asked for. He ensured I had lots of jello and pudding and saw that my ginger ale was always full. It became a little much though when he yelled at me for getting up and walking around, LOL. I had to remind him that I needed to move around bit by bit. I was not even able to cut my own pork chop a few days later ... okay I cannot complain about this, he was truly sweet and so helpful!

I was also very lucky that a good friend of mine and his twins were able to come over that Saturday. My husband had a baseball tournament and I knew he would stay home to be with me if I needed it, but I didn't want him to miss out! My friend came by for a couple of hours to keep me company and it was nice just to know that I was not going to be alone for too long. Thankfully I was moving a bit easier at the time and was not needing too much assistance!

By the next week I still had not heard about the time for my follow up appointment with the Dr. I contacted the office and they told me that they were waiting for the Dr.'s new schedule. The following week they called and told me the appointment would be for November 26, 2014. That was 14 weeks from the date of my procedure. I was so angry, frustrated and sad. Not only did that mean that I would not find out the results, it also meant that our attempts at building our family, with assistance, was also on hold. After I wrote an email expressing my frustrations and having my husband call and speaking to them, they placed us on a cancellation list. One day I received a call to change our appointment time but it was to actually push it back further, November 29, 2014. The nurse asked if that was okay, and I honestly told her it wasn't, but that there was nothing I could do about. I expressed that I was quite frustrated that our 4 - 6 week follow up had been booked for 14 weeks later and that I felt that it was unacceptable. She told me we were on the cancellation list and that was all they could do for us. No apologies, no empathy, no understanding. Thankfully a few weeks later we did in fact get an appointment time sooner, for November 3, 2014.

In the meantime I had spoken to my family Dr.. Last December he had referred me to a Gastroentologist but I had not heard anything since. I updated him on what I knew from the surgery (which wasn't much) and asked if we could pursue the referral. He assured me he would look into the referral and either get me into the Dr. where the referral was made or make a new one elsewhere. Two days later I was given an appointment for October 6, 2014 with the specialist. I contacted the nurse through my Fertility clinic and asked her to forward my Laparoscopy results in time for the appointment. Even though she told me she would, it was not done. The Gastroentologist asked me questions about the Laparoscopy and all I could tell him was that the Dr. had commented on bowels. I wished I could remember what he said and whether or not it had been an observation or just speculation! I emailed the nurse again and asked her to send the results to the specialist ASAP, she again told me she would however, when I followed up with the Gastroentolgists office a couple weeks later I was informed that they had not yet received anything.

The Dr. through the Fertility clinic has been very personable and kind. The staff (overall) have been great as well. However, everything I have experienced over the last couple months has me wanting to find another Fertility clinic. Even if this Dr. is great, if he is so overbooked that individuals are not being seen in a timely manner, then it significantly impacts client care. Also, if test results are not being sent to where they need to go, especially after being told they would, then how much confidence would I have in them for other things? We are not sure yet what we are going to do, at this point our follow up is only a week away so I think we are going to go and hear what they have to say and then make our decision. So in the meantime we wait .... The overall theme of this journey.

Ovulation Induction Cycle

It's been awhile since I have written a post! I've had a couple people check in with me to see if everything was okay, and if I was going to write something again soon (thanks for that!), but honestly I was not in the right mind set. I had all of these ideas of what I wanted to write but I felt that it was too dark and depressing, so I kept putting it off. I feel that I am in a much better place now, emotionally, and am ready to share how things have been going. 

I guess I will catch you up on what has been going on the past couple months. We started our first medicated cycle which consisted of taking Letrozole (Femera) tablets from Day 3 to Day 7, and then, when the follicles had grown enough (preferably over 20mm) and my blood work indicated my levels were progressing well enough, I had to give myself a shot of Ovidrel to induce ovulation. So in the meantime, it was back to the clinic for more blood work and ultrasounds. I visited the clinic on Day 3, Day 9, Day 10 and Day 11. Thankfully I didn't have to go any longer than that for three days in a row really takes a toll on me! Initially it was a surprise when the nurse told me I had to give myself a needle, I was not expecting that at all! When we met with the Doctor and discussed next steps he didn't mention anything about having to have a needle. The nurse explained that the needle often accompanies the tablets for the Ovulation Induction (what they call the medicated cycles) to ensure that ovulation occurs. It sounded as though the needle was a surprise for a lot of couples because the Doctor often forgets to mention it...

When I gave myself the needle that first time I was so nervous! My husband asked me if I wanted him to do it, but I felt that it was something I needed to do on my own. I read all of the instructions (and precautions) and 'stuck ‘er in there'. Now, I don’t have a fear of needles per say, I just don’t particularly like them. It is so much easier to turn away and 'go somewhere else' when someone else is giving it to you, not so much when you are doing it to yourself! Anyways, the rest of the evening I was so scared I was going to develop OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), that I kept monitoring each and every symptom I had (this is where my Mom would tell you I have a mild case of hypochondria). I was quite hilarious for the first hour! Of course I was fine, other than some cramping, tenderness and an overall feeling of being bloated. If anything the pills had a worse (or comparative) side effect for I would wake up in the middle of the night with hot flashes and some nausea.

At this point the clinic told us when to have intercourse and then scheduled me in for a pregnancy test two weeks later. Right from the start, when they said you have to go for a pregnancy test I was incredibly scared and nervous. I personally preferred the idea of just waiting for Aunt Flow to arrive, for I felt that it wouldn't get my hopes up so much. Well that nervousness and anxiety did not go away. The weekend just prior to the test I was a mess! I had a million thoughts running through my head ...what if I wasn't pregnant? Ok, we'd keep on trying. But what if I was pregnant? What if my levels weren't good and I needed to have medication to help everything along? What if we did the medication and it still didn't work and miscarried? ... Every possible scenario was running through my head. I believe that this would happen to anyone in a similar situation however with my history with Generalized Anxiety Disorder I feel my brain goes on hyper anxiety mode! 

Well I went for the blood work and then had to wait around for the dreaded results. I was incredibly grateful that good friends of ours messaged that morning inquiring if they could come over for a visit. Their timing was impeccable for they arrived shortly after I got back home and were just loading their little ones back in the car when I got the call. The blood work was negative. I put a smile on my face and shared the news with my friends and then started to cry. My one friend came over to me and embraced me in a nice long hug, no words of encouragement were shared, no hopefully next time works, just an embrace to acknowledge the pain I was feeling. It was exactly what I needed at that moment and I was just so happy that they were still there so I had someone to talk to.  Off and on for the rest of the day and into the next day I would cry. I just couldn't stop myself. It would sneak up on me and take hold. As much as I told myself there was only a slight chance that we would have success on our first round, I felt hope. I kept envisioning being pregnant and feeling our baby within me. I felt that since I was scheduled for a pregnancy test there must be some level of hope and optimism! However, all of that was shattered with the word 'negative'. My dreams and hopes sank and I feel into despair. Why, why me? Why us? Why can't I even get pregnant? There were times I was actually thinking that I would like to at least get pregnant and miscarry than to not conceive at all, for at least I would know that I could get pregnant. But honestly, I don't want that. I would never wish that on anyone. After hearing stories from family and friends who have miscarried I feel guilty for having even thought it. 

We have started our second round of Femera and Ovidrel and just hoping for the best. We were told by the clinic that there is only a 20 - 25% chance of success each month and that they typically recommend 3 - 4 months with the Ovulation Induction before meeting with the Doctor again. At this time we may just try these two cycles and then try on our own in August, for both of our parents are down for visits and it is going to be an incredibly busy and stressful month as it is. 

My Transvaginal Endoscopy with possible Laproscopy is scheduled for the beginning of September and more and more I am feeling that this is the route we will be going and yet at the same time I want this. More and more I have been questioning endometriosis and I want to have the answers as to whether or not I have it and if it is contributing to our struggles.  I often wonder what would happen if we do get pregnant but want to try for a second child, will we struggle just as much? I want to have all the answers so that we can prepare ourselves accordingly in the future. Now you may ask, why do you suspect endometriosis? The amount of pain that I have in my right pelvic area/lower back during my period and during ovulation is not normal! Even for someone with Fibromyalgia. I had been thinking back to when my body pain started to get worse, and I don't know if there is anything to it, but when I went off of the birth control pill in August of 2012 my pains got worse and worse. There were other things going on as well such as a new job and travelling however, by that December I was in extreme pain, triple what it had been prior to August. Also, when I went for the Sonohystography there was some indication that something was going on due to the saline fluid still being present in my tubes two days later.

Right now I am working on keeping myself healthy emotionally and physically. I have been going to a personal trainer to assist with exercise and although it is a much slower progress than when I went 2 years ago, we are getting there. I spent so much time, money and effort on losing weight before our wedding to get a healthier body and prepare myself for pregnancy and in the 2 years since I have gained double what I lost. That alone has big guilt factors but I try to remind myself that pain levels have been a huge reason why I've gained (okay, to be honest emotional eating has been a contributor as well). I know that my weight is not the reason why we haven't conceived, for like I said I was much smaller when we started on this journey, but I do feel that weight isn't helping the cause with both conception and pain. I am also getting more active with yoga. I attend a gentle flow class each week and am going to start incorporating my own home practice. This is going to be key for relaxation and overall mental health! We'll see how it all goes but at this point any progress is good progress!

Finally, I just want to take a moment and thank everyone who has followed our story thus far. I have a lot of emotions and some are quite awkward and difficult but I have felt a lot of relief in the ability to share, so thank you for your continued support and encouragement! This is a difficult journey especially when there are pregnancy announcements and baby announcements galore but I know that we will ultimately be okay. We have grown stronger as a couple and we can conquer this, one way or another!

Another Month Gone

Mother's Day came and went and honestly it was fairly uneventful for me. My husband and I just spent the day together running errands and helping his younger sister with some packing. My parents moved out West this past January so we didn't have a Mother's Day celebration to go to which made it easier.

The following weekend however, was another story. I got my BFN (Big Fat Negative) with the arrival of AF (Aunt Flow). For some reason this hit me really hard. I have been trying to separate myself from hope as much as possible. I have found that when I am hopeful at the possibility of being pregnant it hurts even more. The disappointment and devastation takes over. I had told myself that it wasn't going to be possible this month and was doing everything I normally did to try and protect myself, but then little things started to creep up which allowed me to be hopeful. My pain levels had started to ease and I hadn't required a Tylenol 3 for a couple days, then AF was late. My family Dr. keeps telling me that pregnancy can alleviate my pain and when AF hadn't shown up on time I started to think ... could this be it? I started to envision it, was hopeful that it could be true. Then I got the 'HA HA ... just kidding' arrival of AF. I was emotionally devastated and crying at any little thing. My hubby asked me what I wanted for breakfast and the tears just started pouring out and I asked him why he couldn't decide.

I saw this quote from one of the pages that I follow and I felt that it spoke to exactly what I was feeling:

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if ...it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~Laura Bush

                    I was feeling so raw and vulnerable, an aching emptiness that I couldn't fill

Maybe if you could take a walk in my shoes,

You would understand what it feels like to have the infertility blues.

The devastating feeling when on the test only one line appears,

The exhaustion over sleepless nights and crying so many tears.

... Maybe you wouldn't say “If it’s meant to be, it will be”.

Or “just relax, live your life and try to be worry free”.

By this you insinuate that I am doing something wrong,

Don't you understand how hard it is to stay strong?

Was it meant to be for the woman who chose to have an abortion?

Was it meant to be for women having babies born with addiction?

Choose you words carefully or please say nothing at all,

In this community of women the support seems so small.

“Do it in this position, drink this, and I heard not to eat that”.

Or “Did you know that you can’t get pregnant if you’re fat”?

Think before you speak because we have no tolerance for you!

You have no idea of our struggle and what we are going through!

If you want to be a friend please just be at our side.

Be there to support us and wipe our tears as we cry.

Don’t offer us testimonial or uneducated advice.

A hug and a shoulder to cry on will certainly suffice.

And if we are hopeful one month and trying to read our bodies' signs,

Please don’t tell us it’s too early or that we are losing our minds.

Let us hold on to our hope, as brief as it may be,

Because this is all we have, our dreams of pregnancy.

by Christina Lemal

Now we are approaching Father's Day. AF has arrived yet again and it looks like we'll be celebrating at the Clinic for my Day 3 Ultrasound and blood work. 

Aside from the pain and disappointment the hardest part of this journey is the bitterness. I am bitter towards each new pregnancy announcement I hear and each new baby born. I am bitter towards people who will happily speak about their pregnancies or other people's kids in front of me without stopping to think how it may be impacting me. I am bitter towards people who make me feel as though I cannot talk about what I am going through and the 'hard' days because they are too uncomfortable or awkward with emotions. This is not a pleasant place to be in. I was once that friend who would joyously celebrate a friend's pregnancy with them. I have hunted down a friend at the hospital and arrived only hours after the birth of her second child because I was so excited for them! I want to be that person again. Please don't get me wrong, I am still happy for my family and friend's successes. Each of them deserve every bit of happiness they get and I don't ever want any of them to experience this heartache, but more and more I just can't handle it myself.  I recently visited my best friend and her week old baby and although I was so happy to have met him and spent that time holding him, I cried for over a half hour on the way home because my heart ached so much that it hasn't happened for us yet. 

I think I've said it before, but it is all one big roller coaster of emotions, many ups and downs throughout the month. Typically the arrival of AF is the worst, being the most emotional for me but I know that I will move forward and we will keep trying. It is all we can do. In the meantime I will work on getting myself healthier physically and hope that our first (or second) cycle trying Letrozole (Femera) works. If not, I will be going for the Transvaginal Endoscopy (TVE) and possible Laparoscopy in September. 

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3 ...

Picking up where my original post left off, the testing! There may be some graphic language so this post is not for those who are easily offended :) This is an infertility blog after all!

Our testing started in April with hubby going for blood work and submitting his little swimmers for a semen analysis. Now, I have to put my two sense in here about how 'easy' men have it! Men (at least for the initial testing and through our experience) have the option to do their 'test' at home and quite frankly, I think it is an enjoyable experience for them ... how could it not be!! A few times when I would be going for testing I would look at my hubby and say 'I really want to hate you, you get to masturbate and orgasm during your test and I have a Dr. all up in my hoo haw, which is quite uncomfortable'. He was always a good sport, laughing along with me and actually apologizing for having it easy. I am sure he felt bad for all I had to go through. 

Easter Sunday was the first day of testing for me. I was joking that this was the day that all the kids would be going on an Egg hunt while at the same time the Dr. would be doing his very own Egg hunt on me! (I know crazy sense of humour). During the cycle monitoring I went in a total of six times. Each visit I had blood work and a trans vaginal ultrasound completed, I guess they look at the eggs and hormone levels and whether or not I could ovulate on my own. It was definitely awkward and uncomfortable at first, even though I am no stranger to gynecological testing! I suggested that they put little cartoons or motivational quotes on the ceiling for people to look at during the procedures (they had it at my gynecologists office and I feel that it lightened the mood and made an uncomfortable situation a little more bearable), I should put that in the suggestion box :) I found it emotional going through the initial testing for I never thought that we'd be here. I always envisioned just getting pregnant right away and therefore I had to come to terms with having to go to a Fertility Clinic and having my 'plans' change.  There were a couple visits that were especially rough for me though. I was called into the diagnostic room and told to 'empty' my bladder first, then they asked me to change (okay, it's not getting changed, it's getting undressed from the waist down! But whatever they choose to call it ... lol) and then I sat there waiting for the technician to come back. Once it took 10 minutes and another time it took over 20 minutes.  By the time the technician came back I had to go the washroom again, having to put my clothes back on, leave the room, return and getting undressed again. Being by myself and still adjusting to the whole idea, it was not a pleasant experience. I have also noticed that my physical pain significantly increases during the time I ovulate and therefore the second time it happened (the 20 mins) I was in a lot of pain and was nearly in tears just by sitting on the table for so long.  The staff were all fairly nice which was nice a least :) 

During the testing process I also had a Sonohysterography, which I am super glad I was given the heads up to take an Advil prior to going in! Due to my chronic pain issues I had taken a Tylenol 3 prior to driving to the appointment, since it was about an hour drive and that is usually difficult for me, and then just before the appointment itself I took an Advil. Even still it was quite uncomfortable for me. There was a deep deep pressure that was equivalent to menstrual cramps, which I personally find very painful. Luckily it didn't last long, more intense during the appointment and then dissipating within a half hour. 

We finished all of the testing on May 8th and then we had to wait for a call from the Dr.'s office to go in and discuss the results. Initially we had to wait until June 17th for our appointment however we got a call on Monday that there was a cancellation for Tuesday, so luckily we got in a month earlier. Results indicate that Hubby is a fine specimen of a man, apparently his sperm analysis was 333 million (or there about), whereas the norm is anywhere from 220 million to 300 million. The Dr. gave him a prescription for Viagra if performance anxiety affects his ability to Baby Dance (term used in infertility support groups for sex), but other than that he is medically cleared! I on the other hand ... we still don't know. I ovulated on my own, producing one follicle that was about 17mm. A week after ovulation my progesterone levels were 7.3 (ish) and I was told that they should be 10 or higher so the Dr. wants to start me on Letrozole (Femera) next cycle. I read up on the the medication and it appears as though it is used to release more than one egg at a time, a process termed superovulation or controlled ovarian hyperstimulation. I was informed that the chances of conceiving multiples with this medication is 2%.  He is also going to be booking me for a Transvaginal Endoscopy (TVE) to investigate things further. He mentioned that the Sonohysterography showed that my tubes and uterus were open and cleared however the following ultrasound showed that I still had fluid in my right tube, he also mentioned that there was some traces of blood in my uterus. He said that if there is anything showing in the TVE, such as endometriosis, then he will do a Laparoscopy at the same time and clear it out. So now we just have to wait for the appointment and give the Femera a try. Still so much about all of this that I don't understand but I suppose I will learn along the way! I am just glad that we are doing something at this point! 

So, now we move forward and continue on. I am still frustrated as hell and feeling as though I am failure to myself and my husband, it is hard not to since I have experienced so many changes in the past year and a half that has affected how I am able to do things independently. Hubby and I are still going strong, even though we may have our moments, but we are 100% open with one another about how we are doing. Okay, who am I kidding, I am open with him and he nods his head in agreement once awhile :). Although, there are moments when he opens up and tells me how much he wants to have children as well and how much it hurts him to see others getting pregnant knowing how much we have struggled. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this journey, even if he is not able to express himself all the time :) 

Handling 'Bad' Support

Everyone goes through a hard time at some point. Whether it is a struggle in relationships with friends, family or coworkers. Stress with school or work. Struggles trying to find a job and pay the bills from month to month, or dealing with chronic pain or other illnesses. This list is not exhaustive but meant to illustrate that we all go through some sort of struggle and deal with those struggles in our own ways. Some people choose to remain quiet and deal with it on their own, others choose to speak out and share their struggles. Either way most people are looking for support. 

Support comes in an wide assortment of ways which makes sense because we are all unique and we all deal with things differently. Some people don't like to talk about struggles for they have either never learned how to be open with emotions, or it makes them uncomfortable, so they sit back quietly acknowledging your struggle with a simple 'wishing you well'. Others research what you are going through, trying to put themselves in your shoes and be as sensitive to your struggles as possible. Some people ask you questions about what you are going through and offer suggestions. Again, this is not an exhaustive list and there are so many different levels of support and different ways of expressing it.

For people receiving support the expectation is typically non-judgement.

People are looking for someone to listen and offer encouragement. They do not want judgments or someone telling them how they should cope. They are looking for someone to lift them up. Ask them how they are doing.

Some people however,  feel they are being supportive when in fact they are being more hurtful. I am a firm believer on being assertive about your needs. If someone says something to you and you don't find it helpful, then let them know. Too many people cry in silence because of well intended 'support' that came across as insensitive. Does this mean that you have to say something to every comment? No, unless that is who you are and what you choose to do. It is finding a balance between shrugging off comments that you know are innocent and letting someone know when you don't find something helpful (and all the levels in between). If you choose to address it, I feel that it should be about expressing what part of the support was not helpful to you. For instance I had a good friend of mine tell me she was so excited that we were going to a Fertility Clinic. I wanted her to understand my experience so I explained to her that I was happy to be finally getting answers, however I would be more excited if we were pregnant and didn't have to go through this process. The idea of 'having' to go to a Fertility clinic was actually very sad to me. She then understood where I was at, struggling with our journey, and we were able to talk about the frustrations openly. 

At work, we had a a co-worker bring in her 1 year old child for a luncheon to welcome her back from maternity leave. Another coworker of mine (who is aware of our struggles) was playing with him and asked me if looking at him 'gave me an itch'. Personally, I found the comment to be blah. It wasn't insensitive or even inappropriate but it struck a nerve. Perhaps it was because looking at that little boy was reminding me how much I wanted a child and the struggles we were having. Now, I recognized that I was being sensitive to this comment and merely responded with a smile and told her that I have had the 'itch' for some time now. I knew her comment was well intended and didn't feel the need to say anything more. 

There are comments that can come across as being very insensitive and hurtful, and personally I will tell someone if I do not appreciate those comments. It is not meant as an attack, nor is meant to 'push' people away. It is me being assertive and telling people what I find helpful in their efforts to be supportive. For example if someone told me to just 'relax' and let it happen when it happens, I would most like tell them that I do not find that comment helpful and actually it can be very insensitive. I would share that for me I find it very hard to 'relax' when we have been trying for so long and keep failing and that telling me to 'relax' minimizes the troubles that we are experiencing. 

Here is the kicker though. Some people will take offense to your being assertive and will accuse you of 'pushing' supportive people away. They will take your comments personally and not realize that it is not about them, but about you and where you are at. They will tell you that you do nothing but focus on the 'negative' and therefore will miss out on other opportunities in life. They will judge and criticize the way you choose to cope with your grief and struggles, 'all in the name of supporting you'. Personally I feel that if someone is truly trying to be supportive, and feels as though you are being 'too negative' and are really concerned, they would reach out and ask you how you are doing. They would not be commenting on how negative they feel you are. Individuals such as this have no intention of understanding your perspective and in all actuality will accuse you of being too sensitive or the one with the problem.

Now, I would caution anyone who is receiving 'bad' support to not 'compare' struggles. As I said above everyone has a struggle either known or private. If someone is trying to offer support and you are assertively expressing why you do not find that support helpful just focus on what they did (or said) and how it made you feel. You can tell them that they cannot understand how you are feeling if they have not experienced the same before however, do not tell them that 'they have it easy'. Do not point out different aspects of their life, such as times when they struggled, it is not applicable to the situation. We are not in competition and in fact we all grow as individuals when we open ourselves up to new perspectives and understandings.

There are some however, who still will not understand. You will not change their perspective no matter how hard you try. The decision then becomes what to do about it. There may be people like this in your life that you love with all your heart, your family or close friend, and no matter how hurtful their comments are or heartbreaking it is that you know they will never 'get it' you don't want to ruin the relationship. Therefore the choice may be to merely 'ignore'. Not engage in those conversations with them and recognize that they will in fact, never change. It doesn't mean that it is not as hurtful but you acknowledge that their being in your life is more important to you.

Some people you will see on a daily basis and will not have any other option but to ignore them, such as coworkers. It is easier to either ignore the conversation than it may be to ignore the person.

For those people who you are not as close to you may choose to walk away from them. Their consistently judging the way you choose to cope and invalidating your experiences by telling you to 'buck up' or just 'stay positive' can be toxic over time and nobody needs that. You know that no matter what you say, or how you try to express yourself and reason with them, there will be no solution. They will always view you as being too sensitive, too negative and will view themselves as this great supporter that you are now loosing. Well just remember it is not a loss. It is okay to walk away and do not feel guilty. They will never understand.

 Remind yourself that it was in fact their behaviour that resulted in them being cut off. But of course they will not see it that way and that is okay. 

It is all about finding the balance. There is no right or wrong answer and each person will handle situations differently based on their personalities and what is right for them. Personally, I have no qualms about removing these people from my life. For while they claim that you are the toxic one, they are not able to see how much toxicity they create. 

I personally feel blessed to have a great support network around me and I have found that my being open and assertive about what I find helpful in support has strengthened my relationships. I know I am still on my way to accepting my situation and I do struggle daily with not letting my situation get the best of me, but I know with my friends and family around me I will make it through :) 

*Please note that this is all from my perspective and each person will feel differently about each situation. This is not a 'How to Book', but an expression of my experiences*

Being supportive to couples during their Trying to Conceive Journey

First off let me say that this is just from my perspective, each person is different on their journey and would like different levels of support it is always best to ask your friend or family member if you truly want to understand what they need.

When my husband and I first started Trying to Conceive we were eager, excited and impatient. Getting our BFP (Big Fat Positive) could not possibly come soon enough for us. After a couple of months of being unsuccessful I started using OPKs (Ovulation Prediction Kits), when I first told some people about using the OPKs I was met with comments of 'just relax', you are putting to much stress on yourself, or we used those and got pregnant right away! Sure these comments could have been valid in the beginning however as time went on and we kept getting BFNs (Big Fat Negatives) we were still experiencing the same comments and they were becoming more and more aggravating and hurtful. So this post is to bring forth some of those comments and some suggestions I have as to how to be supportive of friends and family who are trying to conceive.

1. My ultimate favourite comment is "I know ____ (insert name of friend/coworker/second cousin/friend of a friend ... etcetera) who 'stopped trying' and got pregnant the very next month! So just 'Relax' and let it happen!"  ... First of all let me just say that if two people are still having unprotected sex and not 'actively' trying to avoid pregnancy then you are still trying. Also, if you have never tried to conceive a child for more than one year then you do not understand how impossible it may be for some to 'relax', it is incredibly frustrating and stressful and comments such as this come across as being very insensitive, even if it is coming from a good place. Secondly, infertility is REAL, telling someone to relax inadvertently places the blame for their problems on the couple and not on the possibility that there is a medical explanation as to why they are having difficulties conceiving. Instead of telling your friend or family member to relax try just listening to their frustrations and validating their experience. Tell them you cannot imagine how frustrating/stressful it could be. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to and not advice.

2. Another comment which really gets to me is "It will happen when it is meant to". I do tend to get defensive when I hear this and it really gets to me because NOT everyone CAN get pregnant. Is that what I am facing? I don't know, but neither do you. Now I personally feel that YES, one way or another everyone can have their family, whether or not it is through fertility treatments such as IUI or IVF or if those fail, through adoption, but a very real concern with those options is finances. Treatments and adoption can be very expensive and therefore not an option for everyone. If you want to be supportive and optimistic then I would suggest to say something along the lines of 'Someday, somehow you will have the family you have dreamed of'. This leaves this open to different treatments/adoption if that is what is needed.

3. "Your still young, you have lots of time to conceive", is yet another comment which is aggravating. Myself personally, I am 32. My husband and I have always dreamed of having three or four kids and honestly, I feel that biological clock ticking (never believed in it before this!). Either way, yes we have 'time' but that does not take away from the struggles we are experiencing NOW. I would actually just recommend not saying this. Again, just listen to your friend or loved one and provide support.

4. "I know how you feel, it took me __ (insert two, four, or five) months to conceive!". No, you don't know how I feel. You can appreciate how I may feel based on your limited experience with waiting, but you have not had to wait this long so please don't tell me you understand. I do understand that this is meant to be comforting and you want to show that you 'get it'. I would suggest that instead you say something along the lines of "I tried for __ months, and although I can appreciate what you are going through, I could not possibly understand how you must be feeling".

5. "I never had any problems getting pregnant, or my Husband just looks at me and 'BAM' I get pregnant" ... That's nice, not the best time to be bringing this up ... maybe just don't say this.

6. "It's Gods will, it will happen when HE feels it is time". I appreciate that this is your belief, however this is not everyone's belief. Personally I am not religious and this type of comment would be very insensitive to say to me. Likewise "Everything happens for a reason", is equally as bad to say. What would the reason be? Why would someone need to find the positive in the struggles they have faced? Sometimes SHIT happens, no rhyme, no reason, it just does. Maybe just say to your friend/family member that life can be very crappy sometimes and that it is not fair that they have to struggle and that you will be there if they need you. Often when people are on the other side of their struggles they find those reasons why something happened (or believe they found it to find a purpose as to why they struggled so much), but when you are in the midst of the struggles it is hardest to find that meaning.

7. "You are so lucky you don't have to deal with morning sickness! (or other pregnancy symptoms)", "At least you can still drink!". These comments are meant to provide comfort and finding that 'silver lining' but again, for those trying to conceive (or those who have suffered miscarriages or stillbirths) comments such as these can be very insensitive. I would give up drinking for ever if only I could conceive my child. I would suffer through years of lack of sleep, nausea, and labour pains ... The point is those trying to conceive would GIVE UP everything to have a child, so your telling us what we can still do is not helpful. Again, just be there and listen and be as supportive as possible.

The list is not exhaustive and if you wish to read more there are lots of articles you can google on how to be supportive or what not to say.

I have one friend in particular who had me in tears talking about this. She had seen a post I pinned on Pintrest about 'what not to say to those trying to conceive' and she decided to read it. She shared with me that it opened her eyes as to things she had already said to me (and others) who have struggled and that she now saw how insensitive some of it could be (even though it was really coming from a well meaning place). I cried because the fact that she looked into something in order to help me through this, meant the world to me. She expressed that she could never know what I was going through but wanted to support me the best way possible. I still get emotional thinking about that conversation and the level of support that was expressed. It is not an easy conversation to have with someone but the fact that she went out of her comfort zone to speak to me was truly amazing!

I also received amazing support from my Mom (and Dad). In the beginning my Mom was the one to tell me to 'relax' and 'let it happen'. She shared that she had no problems getting pregnant, in fact both my brother and I were birth control Oopsies, (Love ya Mom, but you pretty much said all the 'Not to Says'). I know (or at least am suspecting) that everything my Mom said to me was coming from a place of motherly protection. She doesn't want me to hurt and struggle. Anyways, I emailed her after going to the Fertility Clinic for the first time and shared what was going to be next. The response I got was absolutely beautiful and amazing and brought me to tears. I would share the whole email although I have a feeling my Mom would not appreciate that, in fact I don't think she would even like me sharing this :) (Sorry Mom!). She told us that she will be there for us no matter what and support us through everything whether we are able to conceive on our own or not. It meant the WORLD to me! I know she loves us and is supportive but hearing it (reading it) made it that more real. It validated everything we are going through and just made me feel so secure that they are behind us all the way!

For some people it can be hard to be supportive. Not everyone is accustomed to talking about emotions and feelings. I say, try your best. If someone posts something on a social media site acknowledge it. Give them a 'like'. It doesn't mean that you have to 'like' everything, but let them know that you support them and their Journey. Talk to them, ask them how they are doing. This is a very isolating Journey, it is nice for people to know they have support.

The Journey Begins

I guess this is the part where the story is told ...

Once upon a time a man and woman met and fell madly in love. They were together for four years before they got married and all they talked about was the day that they would start their family and how exciting it would be. Nearly 21 months after the wedding, 14 months of 'actively' trying to conceive later, here we are.

My husband and I had taken a couple 'breaks' from trying to conceive due to some of the stress and pressure it was taking on us as well as the fact that I had accepted a new job and we moved into our new home. There were so many times over the past year and half that I questioned whether or not there was a problem. My mom kept telling me that we were putting too much pressure on ourselves and although part of me wanted her validation that there was a problem, it is not NORMAL to go this long without getting pregnant, another part of me wanted to believe her. Maybe we did want it too much and were stressing and putting a lot of pressure on ourselves. So each month I would go through the dreaded TWW (two week wait) and wonder if this was going to be 'the' month. And then the disappointment would kick in for Aunt Flow (AF: aka period), arrived. In the first several months I spent so much on pregnancy tests, testing the day before AF ('cause of course the commercials saying you can KNOW before seemed so right!), testing the day of AF, if I didn't get it first thing in the morning. Sometimes I would even test after AF, there are so many similar symptoms so maybe what I experienced was implantation bleeding right? Ya, it got to the point where I was telling myself everything and anything to believe I could be pregnant. Now I am to the point where it is less pain to not be hopeful. AF was late one month, very unusual for me, and I made the mistake of actually believing and being hopeful that I could be pregnant. The hurt, anger and frustration that came when AF finally showed her ugly self was unbearable and I was nearly ready to give up. Now, although we are still trying, I try not to be too hopeful, it is almost to the point where I am expecting AF to show up each month instead of dreaming of the possibility of having a child. Is that the right approach? Who knows, I don't think there is a rule book about this type of thing. All I know is that I am tired of hurting (emotionally) all the time.

Around the same time that we started to conceive, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder, Fibromyalgia. I was in constant agony and of course that does not help with doing the 'deed'. I had gone to a Naturopathic Dr. and was taking supplements to assist with the pain, doing acupuncture to help with pain and fertility, and pretty much was open to trying anything recommended to 'help', but after four months of experiencing no differences I stopped all of that.

With all that I have experienced over the past two years with my body, it is hard to not feel as though it is giving up on me. I dream of having a family and playing, having fun, but then I wonder if I would even be able to do any of that. I can barely walk for 15 minutes without having extreme pain how am I going to run after toddlers? I wonder if my inability to get pregnant is because I would be a 'bad' mom. Not being able to do the things I dream of, but of course my brain tells me that is just nonsense, there are ways that play time could be adapted and adjusted and I know that, but my heart screams out every so often and does not think rationally. What other reason could there be?

It gets harder when it seems like daily I am hearing about yet another person who is pregnant. My heart aches with each and every announcement I hear. I am super excited for those who are pregnant but there is a part of me that just wants to cry. It is the hole in my heart and arms that aches and I just wish each time that it was me making that announcement. I am angry that things have been so difficult for us and I HATE life for that reason. It is hard to explain to people that I can feel joy and pain at the same time. I am happy for them and hurt for myself and although I have to distance myself from their pregnancy and babies, it has nothing to do with them but all because of the emotions and the loss that I feel for myself. I explained it once as 'It is not about 'them' having what we don't have, but it's about us not having what 'they' have'. Talk about a confusing description considering they are both the same, just in reverse, however to me the statements have different meanings.

So our journey continues. We have spoken to our family physician and he agrees that it is not typical for couples to go this long without conceiving and therefore we have been referred to a Fertility clinic. We went for our first visit with the Dr. at the end of March and found out that we had to wait until the beginning of my next cycle in order to start the investigations. This past Sunday, Easter Sunday, was Day three of my cycle and therefore I had to go in for blood work and an internal ultrasound (apparently these are the norm), I was then informed that the Dr wants to monitor my cycle to see when I ovulate and therefore I have to go back five to seven times within the next three weeks and I am also scheduled for a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography (this procedure is used to look for abnormalities of the uterus and endometrium, such as begnin growths (such as polyps or fibroids), cancer, or endometrial thickening). Once they have determined when I do ovulate, I will then have to go back one week later for a 3D ultrasound for the final look.

Well you are pretty much caught up now, I go for the Sonohysterography on Saturday and then will continue with the cycle monitoring. Once all of this is completed we will go back and speak to the Dr. about all of the results and find out what the next steps will be. Hardest part thus far of the Trying to Conceive Journey is the waiting period, whether is for test results or to see if we are pregnant or not.

Someone suggested that I start a blog about my TTC (Trying to Conceive) Journey and at first I thought it wasn't a good idea. I don't want people knowing what it is my head, heck half of the time I don't even want to be alone with my thoughts, but then the more I thought about it, it seemed like a good idea, at the very least I should give a try. When my husband and I were in the Fertility clinic we saw a lot of couples there, in fact we considered the place to be quite busy although the staff told us it was a 'slow' day. I realized then that so many people suffer alone. I posted something on my facebook about our struggles and had seven friends reach out to me to share their stories and support. This is something that affects so many people and yet nobody knows about it! If I can give a voice, if it is only from my perspective, about the struggles couples face then I guess it is worth opening myself up. With that being said, please bear with me for I have a lot to say and sometimes am not good at organizing my thoughts and this whole blogging/journaling thing is quite new to me!