Will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy?

So for the first four days I was soo excited about this pregnancy. Planned the nursery and envisioning the babies out in the world with us, but then the fears started to kick in. Could this really be happening? What if something goes wrong? I have chosen to remain on the Paleo diet because I felt that it had helped us thus far and it was recommended that I continue with it by a Midwife, but what if it wasn't enough?

The real fears didn't kick in until Christmas Day. We had traveled to my in-laws for Christmas. We did the trip in two days because I had to work until 5pm on Christmas Eve, which got us to their house Christmas Day. Everything was seeming fine until I got to their house and used the washroom. There was a some dark blood, more than spotting but less than a full period. This worried me because not 2 1/2 hours earlier I had gone to the washroom and there was nothing. Also, I was bleeding more when I wiped. I couldn't stop crying because I was so worried that we were miscarrying and I knew if I didn't get it checked out it would ruin our whole day. My in laws had put their Christmas morning on hold for us but we had to hold off for a little while longer because we decided to go to the hospital. 

Now, note to self, do not go to a small town hospital in the middle of nowhere, on Christmas Day. They had an ultrasound technician on call but she didn't want to go in unless there was a bigger emergency because at 5 weeks there was a chance that you may not be able to see anything anyways. I understand this completely and know that at such an early stage there is not much that could be done but let me tell you, the Dr. could have found some more compassionate ways to say that, or even just suggest that we monitor the situation and to come back if it gets worse. Instead I get 'well if you are miscarrying there isn't a whole lot we can do for you anyways', and 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again'. Gee thanks Doc who has my IVF history in your hands and who can visibly see me crying out of fear and worry. I do have to say though that the nurse we met was wonderful, very compassionate and empathetic, so that made it a little better. 

We decided to go home (back to my in-laws) and just wait things out and hope for the best. I had also emailed my midwives (prior to going to the hospital but after not hearing back we decided to go in for peace of mind), and she responded telling me what to watch out for in case of a miscarriage. I was grateful for the detail because then I knew what to watch out for. She provided much more detail than the hospital and put my mind to ease a bit, which is what I needed to be able to continue on with my day. I kept telling myself that maybe I was just overreacting and that everything was going to be okay. A mantra that got me through the next few days. 

My in-laws were great. They encouraged me to rest as much as possible and we were able to enjoy our Christmas visit. I continued to bleed but this time it was more of a spotting than a heavy bleed, although I did notice the more activity I did the more there was. For instance I had gone to the store with my sister in laws and noticed there was more bleeding when I returned. 

I made my husband drive the longer way home because I had myself convinced that the gravel road that we were on for about an hour, the last part of our drive, had contributed to the bleeding. I didn't want to risk that again and therefore I wanted to avoid that road at all costs! Thankfully we decided to take the trip in two days again so we weren't in a rush to get the hotel and could go the longer way. 

I decided to follow up with the clinic to see if they would get me in sooner for an ultrasound or whether they felt I didn't have anything to worry about. Thankfully they scheduled me for an ultrasound the day after we returned. We have one baby on board and the nurse shared that they detected a heartbeat and that everything was looking good! She suggested that I rest, especially if I start spotting again and they booked me in for a follow up ultrasound to make sure everything is continuing to go well. 

I felt reassured since having had the ultrasound and knowing that we have a little bean hanging on in there. I am also happier that as I write this I am now three days without spotting and can only hope that I don't experience that again! But I am still scared. I am still worried that anything can happen at any time and we may not be able to take this little bean home. I feel like I have something overshadowing us and our happiness, a metaphorical ball that can drop at any moment. Through discussions with other ladies who have also struggled I think these feelings are normal. For someone who has had multiple losses or struggled for a long time the fear and anxiety is more heightened. The thought of miscarrying after three and half years, two IVFs and an FET, not to mention the other treatments and tests, is devastating! The thought that it may take us that long to conceive again, if it ever does happen. Well, you get the idea. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts going on. 

I know I can't allow myself to get caught in the fear and anxieties and I have to try and enjoy as much of this experience as I can. We have already started looking at baby furniture and strollers and doing what any newly expectant parents would do even though we have this shadow over our heads. We will try to embrace each moment as it comes because we know that it can be taken from us at any moment. 

I will try to update my blog now and then with updates on my pregnancy and the baby because I want to be contentious of the many people on my social media sites that are currently struggling. I may share things here and there but I don't want to overload people with updates.  

Results are In

*Trigger warning for those currently struggling with infertility.* 

December 18, 2015. A day like any other day, except it wasn't any other day. It was the day that we were going to find out whether or not our second IVF attempt worked or failed. I didn't know what to think. Part of me didn't have any hope because, well every other treatment we've done hadn't worked, so why should this one, but then there was another part of me that really felt that this could be our time. Every other treatment cycle I had started to spot a day or two before the beta. I had always told myself that it hadn't meant anything, but it always did, failure. This time, I hadn't experienced any of that. 

I was soo emotional driving to the clinic and then in to work. I was talking to the little embryos inside me telling them all about the life they would have if only they would give us a chance. I was crying off and on, so hopeful that it worked, and so fearful that it didn't. The few hours that I had to wait until I received the call with the news was going to be the longest ever!

It was 1:06pm when the clinic called. I didn't know if I should answer the call or if I should let it go to VM and then wait until I got home and listened to it with my husband. My answer came when the phone rang, I couldn't wait another several hours to know the results, so I answered it. The nurse said 'Congratulations, you're pregnant!'. My 1st beta level was 265. I couldn't believe it! I started crying out of joy!

The first call I made was to my BFF. It was her birthday and she told me that all she wanted for us to be pregnant. It was so amazing being able to share that news for once. For nearly 3 1/2 years I heard about everyone else's BFP but it never happened to me, I only got to share sad news. 

I had come out of my office, and due to the tears on my face and obvious elation, my co-workers were now aware of our good news and had asked if I had told my husband. No, I hadn't, because I just couldn't imagine sharing that news with him over the phone. I wanted to be there to see his reaction and share that moment with him. So my coworkers encouraged me to leave and go home and celebrate with my husband. 

On my way home I stopped by a store and picked up a Willow Tree Ornament that was a 'New Dad'. I had it wrapped and brought it home. I walked in the door and he asked me right away why I was home early. I told him that I couldn't stop crying so I wanted to come home and then I told him that I got him a gift, which I wanted him to open. Of course he wasn't interested in the gift and kept asking me questions, he asked if the results were negative and I nodded my head (which he hated me for but it was worth the surprise!). He turned and gave me a hug and then I told him to open his gift because 'everyone needs a little pick me up'. He opened up the gift, looked at me and said 'you're shitting me?'. I started crying again and nodded my head yes ... We were going to be parents! Finally!! It was wonderful to be able to share that moment with him. We called our immediate families to share the news and hubby was fine with sharing our news with extended family and friends but he wanted to wait until after our second beta just make sure that it was a viable pregnancy. 

December 20, 2015 we went for our second beta and were soo elated when the nurse called to tell us that our levels rose to 525, just shy of doubling. So our announcement went out! Now, in all truthfulness the dog is not as excited about this as we are but we are hoping he will grow to love this baby as much as we already do. 

More Tests and IVF #2

So it has been awhile since I last posted. I had thought about it many times, even had some posts outlined in my head, but of course as time went on I just never got down to it.

A lot has gone on in the past few months we did a bunch of testing, I changed my diet and we moved forward with our 2nd IVF. Let me start at the beginning though ...

As I mentioned in my previous post I was going to go for an MRI and a Hysteroscopy/biopsy of my uterus. Frustratingly both of those tests came back negative. All that was found on the MRI was that I had developed a cyst, so I had to go for another ultrasound to ensure that it had gone away on its own. So from there we moved forward with the Immune Testing. The results were interesting, it showed that my levels were abnormal however, they were on the low side and they only treat it if they are on the high side. I was feeling defeated because yet again we didn't have any answers. Everything was coming back negative or normal (or abnormal and not treatable) but I knew that my body wasn't normal because we had yet to get pregnant! I had started looking up different options such as adoption and surrogacy because at this point I thought that our chances of getting pregnant were slim. I could not shake this feeling that it was just not going to happen for us but I was prepared to move forward regardless.

I kept up the Paleo diet and from late July to October I lost about 20-25 pounds. I also had noticed an overall improvement in my chronic pain, so that was a bonus as well! There were a few weeks of stress with the testing and not getting results back in time (it took about 3 - 4 weeks to get the Immune Results back and it was only supposed to take a week), so I had several cheats here an there between October and November.

During this waiting time the Provincial Government announced that they will be adding funding for another 5,000 individuals/couples to receive IVF starting in December 2015. Although we were super excited about this and feel that the program is going to be essential for many couples, we didn't want to wait before we moved forward. I had fears that, like every new program, there were going to be bumps along the road and I didn't want to have to wait any longer than we already had to move forward. The clinic didn't have any information and there were no guidelines in place how the clinics were supposed to manage the wait lists so that added to the apprehension. We also felt that if this attempt failed then we always had the funding to fall back on. So with support from family and friends we moved forward with our second IVF at the end of November.

As soon as we made the decision to proceed I made sure to go back on my diet 100%. I didn't want anything to jeopardize this cycle and wanted to do everything I could to make it as successful as possible. I continued to see my Naturopath and we planned to do Acupuncture to increase the blood flow to the uterus. I went a week before retrieval and then the plan was to go back the day before, day of, and the day after transfer. My Fertility Dr. had requested that I start taking Vitamin D 4,000IUs, and Vitamin E 400IUs on top of the stimming medications which he had also increased the dose of. The first few days on the medications (gonal-f) I was sick. I had nausea, a massive headache, upset stomach, and overall just felt like crap. After a slight adjustment of the meds the side effects dissipated and I started to feel better.

I was also was seeing a counselor, mainly to assist with other stressors in my life but it had been good timing when the cycle started. The one comment that he made which I thought was very interesting - considering the number one comment those dealing with infertility is 'relax' - was that I was an emotional mess when talking about my other stressors however, when going through the cycle and preparing for the retrieval I was quite calm, centered and cheery. He noted this and felt that since IVF was a super stressful experience he was expecting more of an emotional roller coaster from me. It was an emotional roller coaster, and the early mornings to the clinic and waiting to get the call to go in for the retrieval was anxiety provoking, but I it was manageable. I was actually dealing with my infertility better than I was dealing with other crap in my life.

December 3, 2015 we went in for our retrieval. Got my lucky socks, cute little penguins, and just hoped for the best. Well, we got the best news! Out of the 10 eggs they retrieved this time, ALL 10 fertilized!! Our first IVF we only had 5 that fertilized. We anxiously waited for updates and I called in a couple times to check on them and each time all 10 were still growing. It was absolutely amazing news!!.

December 8, 2015 we returned to the clinic for our 5 Day transfer. We also got an update as to how our little embryos were doing - out of the 10 we had, 7 of them made it to day 5! In fact all 10 were still growing as of the day before and unfortunately 3 had stopped growing overnight. We were floored with that news!! Out of the 5 fertilized for our first IVF we only had 3 that made it to day 5 so we had more than a 50% increase!! Our Dr. decided to transfer two embryos again since we had more than 5 and due to the fact that we have not had good luck in the past with the transfers being successful. I told him that I wasn't going to argue with him this time and would take his recommendation, which he just laughed at. Maybe those lucky socks were working after all!! Hubby made sure I wore them to the transfer as well :)

Now, a funny story about the first night the embabies were settling in, a little TMI but you should be used to that with my blogs by now! Just before going in for the transfer I was suffering with some bad constipation. I had gotten myself so worried that the transfer was going to be cancelled because of it. Thankfully it wasn't, and my nurse suggested a couple different things to help things along, such as prune juice, eating dates, and taking sennokot or docusate sodium. Now, what I would NOT recommend to anyone is taking all that advice in one day. Let's just say that it worked and it was not a pretty scene at all! I again was worried that I had jeopardized the embryos and started worrying that this IVF was going to fail because of my 'incident' (as it is being called in my support group). So we strapped in and continued the dreaded two week wait.