First off let me say that this is just from my perspective, each person is different on their journey and would like different levels of support it is always best to ask your friend or family member if you truly want to understand what they need.
When my husband and I first started Trying to Conceive we were eager, excited and impatient. Getting our BFP (Big Fat Positive) could not possibly come soon enough for us. After a couple of months of being unsuccessful I started using OPKs (Ovulation Prediction Kits), when I first told some people about using the OPKs I was met with comments of 'just relax', you are putting to much stress on yourself, or we used those and got pregnant right away! Sure these comments could have been valid in the beginning however as time went on and we kept getting BFNs (Big Fat Negatives) we were still experiencing the same comments and they were becoming more and more aggravating and hurtful. So this post is to bring forth some of those comments and some suggestions I have as to how to be supportive of friends and family who are trying to conceive.
1. My ultimate favourite comment is "I know ____ (insert name of friend/coworker/second cousin/friend of a friend ... etcetera) who 'stopped trying' and got pregnant the very next month! So just 'Relax' and let it happen!" ... First of all let me just say that if two people are still having unprotected sex and not 'actively' trying to avoid pregnancy then you are still trying. Also, if you have never tried to conceive a child for more than one year then you do not understand how impossible it may be for some to 'relax', it is incredibly frustrating and stressful and comments such as this come across as being very insensitive, even if it is coming from a good place. Secondly, infertility is REAL, telling someone to relax inadvertently places the blame for their problems on the couple and not on the possibility that there is a medical explanation as to why they are having difficulties conceiving. Instead of telling your friend or family member to relax try just listening to their frustrations and validating their experience. Tell them you cannot imagine how frustrating/stressful it could be. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to and not advice.
2. Another comment which really gets to me is "It will happen when it is meant to". I do tend to get defensive when I hear this and it really gets to me because NOT everyone CAN get pregnant. Is that what I am facing? I don't know, but neither do you. Now I personally feel that YES, one way or another everyone can have their family, whether or not it is through fertility treatments such as IUI or IVF or if those fail, through adoption, but a very real concern with those options is finances. Treatments and adoption can be very expensive and therefore not an option for everyone. If you want to be supportive and optimistic then I would suggest to say something along the lines of 'Someday, somehow you will have the family you have dreamed of'. This leaves this open to different treatments/adoption if that is what is needed.
3. "Your still young, you have lots of time to conceive", is yet another comment which is aggravating. Myself personally, I am 32. My husband and I have always dreamed of having three or four kids and honestly, I feel that biological clock ticking (never believed in it before this!). Either way, yes we have 'time' but that does not take away from the struggles we are experiencing NOW. I would actually just recommend not saying this. Again, just listen to your friend or loved one and provide support.
4. "I know how you feel, it took me __ (insert two, four, or five) months to conceive!". No, you don't know how I feel. You can appreciate how I may feel based on your limited experience with waiting, but you have not had to wait this long so please don't tell me you understand. I do understand that this is meant to be comforting and you want to show that you 'get it'. I would suggest that instead you say something along the lines of "I tried for __ months, and although I can appreciate what you are going through, I could not possibly understand how you must be feeling".
5. "I never had any problems getting pregnant, or my Husband just looks at me and 'BAM' I get pregnant" ... That's nice, not the best time to be bringing this up ... maybe just don't say this.
6. "It's Gods will, it will happen when HE feels it is time". I appreciate that this is your belief, however this is not everyone's belief. Personally I am not religious and this type of comment would be very insensitive to say to me. Likewise "Everything happens for a reason", is equally as bad to say. What would the reason be? Why would someone need to find the positive in the struggles they have faced? Sometimes SHIT happens, no rhyme, no reason, it just does. Maybe just say to your friend/family member that life can be very crappy sometimes and that it is not fair that they have to struggle and that you will be there if they need you. Often when people are on the other side of their struggles they find those reasons why something happened (or believe they found it to find a purpose as to why they struggled so much), but when you are in the midst of the struggles it is hardest to find that meaning.
7. "You are so lucky you don't have to deal with morning sickness! (or other pregnancy symptoms)", "At least you can still drink!". These comments are meant to provide comfort and finding that 'silver lining' but again, for those trying to conceive (or those who have suffered miscarriages or stillbirths) comments such as these can be very insensitive. I would give up drinking for ever if only I could conceive my child. I would suffer through years of lack of sleep, nausea, and labour pains ... The point is those trying to conceive would GIVE UP everything to have a child, so your telling us what we can still do is not helpful. Again, just be there and listen and be as supportive as possible.
The list is not exhaustive and if you wish to read more there are lots of articles you can google on how to be supportive or what not to say.
I have one friend in particular who had me in tears talking about this. She had seen a post I pinned on Pintrest about 'what not to say to those trying to conceive' and she decided to read it. She shared with me that it opened her eyes as to things she had already said to me (and others) who have struggled and that she now saw how insensitive some of it could be (even though it was really coming from a well meaning place). I cried because the fact that she looked into something in order to help me through this, meant the world to me. She expressed that she could never know what I was going through but wanted to support me the best way possible. I still get emotional thinking about that conversation and the level of support that was expressed. It is not an easy conversation to have with someone but the fact that she went out of her comfort zone to speak to me was truly amazing!
I also received amazing support from my Mom (and Dad). In the beginning my Mom was the one to tell me to 'relax' and 'let it happen'. She shared that she had no problems getting pregnant, in fact both my brother and I were birth control Oopsies, (Love ya Mom, but you pretty much said all the 'Not to Says'). I know (or at least am suspecting) that everything my Mom said to me was coming from a place of motherly protection. She doesn't want me to hurt and struggle. Anyways, I emailed her after going to the Fertility Clinic for the first time and shared what was going to be next. The response I got was absolutely beautiful and amazing and brought me to tears. I would share the whole email although I have a feeling my Mom would not appreciate that, in fact I don't think she would even like me sharing this :) (Sorry Mom!). She told us that she will be there for us no matter what and support us through everything whether we are able to conceive on our own or not. It meant the WORLD to me! I know she loves us and is supportive but hearing it (reading it) made it that more real. It validated everything we are going through and just made me feel so secure that they are behind us all the way!
For some people it can be hard to be supportive. Not everyone is accustomed to talking about emotions and feelings. I say, try your best. If someone posts something on a social media site acknowledge it. Give them a 'like'. It doesn't mean that you have to 'like' everything, but let them know that you support them and their Journey. Talk to them, ask them how they are doing. This is a very isolating Journey, it is nice for people to know they have support.
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