Sometimes Comments Hurt.

So it’s been awhile since my last blog post a lot has gone on, but not all related to our fertility journey.

In May we moved forward with our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and unfortunately this failed as well. To be honest I was actually expecting this since we hadn’t had any success thus far. It was also a way I could protect myself. I had gotten my hopes up so high for our IVF, actually felt it had worked. The failure was too much for me, so I had to stay impartial this time in order to protect my mental health. Funnily enough my Naturopathic Dr. actually supported this, for I wasn’t on an emotional roller coaster, I was more regulated, which is a lot better for the body! My feeling that it wasn’t going to work did soften the blow a bit, but the devastation was still there. We just couldn’t understand why, what keeps going wrong and why we haven’t had any success yet?

I wrote on my personal Facebook page about the continual disappointments and then I had someone private message me, saying that they knew a couple people that tried to get pregnant and were unsuccessful until they went on vacation and then found themselves pregnant due to being in complete ‘relaxation mode’… Ugh! These kind of messages truly irritate me! I know people mean well but this shows me that they have never read any of the information I have posted (and trust me, I post a lot!) … ‘relaxation’ is not a cure for infertility, it just helps people cope with it. Through our three years of struggling we have paid close to $15,000 on medical procedures to assist us with getting pregnant and we work closely with a medical Dr., a specialist in this field, but please go on about how a vacation (which we can no longer afford), will help our situation. Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people just saying ‘I am sorry for what you are going through’, or ‘that’s shitty’… I am not looking for anyone to solve my problems by venting, I am looking for support. I am looking for an outlet so that I can keep my own sanity and not fall into a further depression. I need to release my emotions, I need to talk, and honestly I find my sharing and venting to be very therapeutic for me, for it takes it off my mind even if only for a short time.

My cousin got married, which was super exciting!! While at a BBQ at my Aunt’s the day after the wedding one of my Uncle’s kept asking the bride and groom when they would start popping out babies. I said nothing, although I wanted to scream at him to shut up. The next morning I told my parents how I felt people needed to stop saying things like that because they don’t know what the couple’s situation was like. They may have already started trying, or may know that they have medical conditions which could make it challenging. There was a little defensiveness from them. They told me that people don’t mean anything by the comments and therefore I shouldn’t educate everyone, I should just let it go. My dad told me that people will never get it and that it was pointless for me to try to educate them. He then looked at me and said that he has heard that if people ‘relax’, he’s heard it can help with fertility. I was flabbergasted when he said this. My own father. Obviously never having read any educational materials I posted nor any of my blog posts. I asked him if he had read my blog and he told me he hadn’t. We have been struggling to conceive for 3 years, I have poured my heart out to my parents about my thoughts and feelings and written several blog posts going into more depth and this was the ‘support’ I was getting? ”Don’t bother educating people and ‘relax’”. I just got up and went up to my room and started crying. I was so hurt not only by his comments, but his lack of consideration for my feelings. I get that my parents are from a different time and that they couldn’t possibly understand what I am going through, but you always have this idea that they would support you no matter what and do whatever they could to understand what you are going through. Now, I know that my dad was not intentionally trying to be inconsiderate of my feelings and he definitely was not trying to hurt my feelings, he is not that kind of man, but it is because of reasons just as this, that I am a STRONG advocate for speaking up and educating. People don’t mean to be hurtful or inconsiderate but they are. I feel it is important to educate people about what you are going through and what you find helpful and supportive so that they can be more considerate and helpful to the next person they encounter dealing with a similar problem. When I was sharing these feelings to a friend of mine she brought up a good point, one that I also shared but hadn't been able to voice. Why do I have to be protective, or learn to be sensitive to other's feelings but they don't have to be protective or learn to be sensitive to mine?  

We moved at the end of June/beginning of July. The move itself was a good thing! Due to my chronic pain issues I was struggling with stairs and we felt that being in a bungalow would be better, especially when we did have kids. We spent time painting and getting the house ready before moving our belongings in, it was long and exhausting, but I what I hadn’t anticipated was the wave of sorrow I would also feel. There were several times that I had the urge to cry because I kept thinking about the empty bedroom we would have. When we first purchased this home in January I was so hopeful that when we moved in we would be painting a nursery as well, but of course this was not the case. It was hard, and since our in laws were down I kept the emotions hidden and just tried to push myself in other ways in order to keep myself busy. It didn’t help that a few days after we moved I got my period, which was painful as hell!!! Ever since the IVF and FET failed I have had tremendous cramps which have landed me in bed with a heating pad and feeling nauseous. This day was no different and it took a few hours for me to start feeling like I could move again. We spent the day running some errands and then that night we went out for dinner since it was my in-laws last day with us. With the luck I have, of course the table next to us had an infant who wouldn’t stop fussing and crying. Normally I just shut it out and pretend it’s not there, focusing on the people I am with. I put up a hard shell, not to be a cold hearted bitch who hates kids, but to protect myself from crying. But it was more challenging this time because my in-laws kept coo-ing the baby and giving us a play by play of what the issues were ‘it was too hot’, or ‘it’s playing’. More and more it was getting harder and harder to see/hear. Part of me felt the pang that my in-laws wanted a grandchild and I could not give them that, and another was the pang that my ovaries were screaming in pain and I just wanted to ignore the kid and I wasn’t able to. I know it wasn’t intentional but it affected me so much that I first cried in the washroom and then again at the table. I buried my head in my tea, not saying a word and just hoped that we would be leaving soon. How could I tell my in-laws to stop talking about the kid at the next table, or smiling at him? As much as it hurt, I know that would have been worse …

                I am not bringing up these experiences to point fingers and say ‘you hurt me’, I am bringing them up because they happen so frequently, not just to me, but to all of us struggling with infertility (really struggling with anything). We all cry ourselves to sleep and ache daily. The problem is though, we are told to ignore it and just ‘let it go’, but I don’t feel that is fair. People want us to be happy and healthy and yet we cannot say when something is hurting us. How are we to move on and heal when we are constantly bombarded with what is hurting us and we are not allowed to talk about it? Seems a little hypocritical to me. So, as much as I know this post is not going to be well received, I know it is a necessity. So often I see in support groups someone venting about what a family member, coworker, or friend said and how hurt or irritated they were by the comment. That is usually followed by a slew of comments with similar stories and irritants which is also followed by people saying how they are unable to express those emotions. They are unable to, even politely, share why the comment was hurtful to them. There are a few ladies who say that the comments don't bother them, or it does, but they just let it go, and honestly, I think that is great! But not everyone is able to do that unfortunately, and that is why education is so key! It is not to make the person feel bad for doing things 'wrong', it is about making them feel as though they are doing their best to support their loved one, by reading about what helps and hearing from that person directly. 

Where Do We Go From Here?

Of course after the failure of our IVF and FET we've been thinking a lot about what our options are and where to go from here. It's so hard not knowing what are 'problem' is!

I followed up with my Family Dr. regarding my thyroid, I do not have any abnormalities, and the Synthroid medication has brought my levels down to 2.6 so at this point everything seems fine. My adrenals and liver is being treated with supplements from my Naturopathic Dr. and both had suggested a diet to keep my thyroid levels down as well as well to treat my adrenals overall.

My Family Dr. had suggested a Mediterranean diet to follow and after a lot of research I decided that the best diet for me would be the Paleo. The Mediterranean diet has soy, which is actually not good for fertility and due to my fibromyalgia, trying to support my thyroid, and the infertility I felt the Paleo addressed all those issues. So far one week down and other than breaking out with acne due to the dietary change, it's been going well! The key for me is going to be making sure I am prepared ahead of time and can have different things and not eat the same thing over and over. 

Yesterday we met with our Fertility Dr. for a follow up to discuss our failures and the next steps. I can honestly say that I felt encouraged after leaving that appointment! We had a new diagnosis, well still unexplained and more to investigate, but we had something to go on. We have what is called Recurrent Implantation Failure. According to the Reproductive BioMedicine Online Journal this is defined as "failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after transfer of at least four good-quality embryos in a minimum of three fresh or frozen cycles in a woman under the age of 40 years". Our Dr. did point out that technically we fell short by one cycle however, due to our trying to conceive now for three years and we have not had one positive pregnancy test, he felt it was appropriate for us and he would rather move forward with more testing than to rush into another IVF cycle just to fit the criteria completely. He stated that we knew we could get embryos, good-quality ones. So right now our troubles have been after that point and with implantation. 

So our plan now is to have an MRI done of my Uterus to check for Adenomyosis. This is similar to Endometriosis but instead the endometrial tissue exists and grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. I will also be going for a Hysteroscopy and Biopsy to check the lining of my uterus. If these tests come back clear then we can move on to some Immune Issue testing. There are some tests that are being done in the United States (where all the tests would go to for processing) that checks to see if there is an issue with the NK (Natural Killer) cells. In a nutshell "NK cells are immune system cells that normally help the body fight infections... NK cells may be attacking the fetus as an invader." (from: Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in the UK). This particular testing is still in the early stages and people are only just becoming more aware of the role that the Immune System is playing in Fertility. 

I am hopeful that some of these tests are going to show something, but like I've said before there is a part of me that doesn't believe it because we haven't had any answers yet ... 

Here's to Moving Forward!! 

More Questions and Frustrations!

After the failure of our recent IVF I decided that I wanted to seek out a Naturopathic Dr. to see what they may recommend to assist with conception as well as for some support with my chronic pain issues.  I had gone to a Naturopath in the first year we started trying to conceive however, we moved to a new town and I started a new job so I ended up stopping the treatments. I did not find that they were helping me much in the few months I had been going however, I recognize that I had a lot going on at that time and therefore am willing to give it another shot (I'll try anything at this point if it will help!!).

Today I met with the Naturopath and we had a long discussion about my experiences with Infertility, our treatments, as well as my Fibromyalgia symptoms including Chronic Fatigue. The discussion soon moved to how a lot of what I was describing matched Hypothyroidism. According to the Naturopath I have clear cut symptoms and she recommended having my thyroid treated.

Now, the tricky part is that my TSH levels have been within the 'normal' range (under 4 is deemed normal in Canada - as per my nurse). When we first had the discussion of infertility with my Family Dr. my thyroid levels were 4.9 (at this time under 5 was deemed 'normal'). My Dr. explained to me that although I was in the normal range he felt that it was too high for those trying to conceive and therefore he would recommend to treat it. We didn't end up trialing any medication for we had just started with the Fertility Clinic and my Family Dr. felt that he would leave it with them to follow up on. Just before moving forward with IVF we sat down and talked to our Fertility Dr. and I asked him about my thyroid. He explained that my levels at the last check (March) was around 3.2 (or 3.8, I can't remember what he said!). and that based on this I was fine. I had shared with him that I had read that thyroid levels should be at 2.2 (or at least under 2.5) for trying to conceive and he told me that was true, but only for those who had issues with their thyroid. For me it was not a concern and as long as I remained under 4 then I was considered fine. So we moved forward with the IVF and it failed. With Unexplained Infertility I feel that it is more challenging only in the sense of not knowing what the cause is. My husband and I question everything and more and more I kept going back to the thyroid ... could there be something there? I kept letting  it go, because the Dr. had told me it was fine, but I couldn't fully get it out of my head. When I went in for blood work to start our FET (frozen embryo transfer) I got a call from the nurse stating that my thyroid had spiked and she requested that I go back for follow up blood work to recheck it. Turned out my blood work had gone up to 5. When I went back 2 days later she called and told me that it had gone down to 3.3 and therefore since it was back in the normal range it didn't need to be treated and we would continue to move forward with the cycle. I decided to get a copy of my blood work from the past couple of months to see where the levels have been sitting and now I am more concerned than ever. In March the TSH was at 3.2/3.8 (whatever the number was), in April it was 1.8, then in May it was 5, back down to 3.3, two days later. These are only snapshots from one day through my cycle but I am concerned that I have perhaps been fluctuating on and off throughout and it has gone undetected. I know the Dr. has said it's fine but that much fluctuation does not seem normal to me, even with stress present. Also, I feel that if stress was a contributor then April should have been higher because we just had 2 failed IUI's and were planning on moving on to IVF, which is incredibly freaking stressful!! May we were dealing with the loss of our cycle, although sad and stressful, I don't feel that it would have been more than what we were dealing with in April. I have 'Googled' a little bit about this (I know, I shouldn't be doing that!! But what else can I do??) and it sounds as though fluctuating TSH is common in a thyroid disorder called Hashimoto's disease. The TSH, although fluctuates, is typically in the normal range but the T3 and T4 ranges are the areas that are 'off' (apparently there are other factors related to the thyroid than just the TSH!). I contacted my nurse at the fertility clinic to discuss this, she said she would pass the info off to my Dr. but reiterated that they are not concerned due to my levels being in the normal range. I will be sure to follow up on this and I also booked an appointment with my family Dr. to discuss this further.

The second thing that came up with the Naturopath was the suspicion that I may also have a genetic mutation gene called MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydofolate Reductase Mutations). Apparently a lot of my chronic pain issues can also be linked to this gene mutation and in fact this mutation is very prevalent with Fibromyalgia sufferers. I have done a little bit of research about this gene mutation but there is so much info out there that it is hard to explain exactly what it is so I will include a couple of links for those that are interested (http://doctordoni.com/2014/04/folic-acid-and-mthfr-could-you-have-a-genetic-mutation.html;    http://wellnessmama.com/27148/mthfr-mutation/). If I wanted to get tested to see if I have this gene mutation then I would have to pay yet another $200 out of pocket to order a genetic testing kit online. If I do the same test through the Naturopath's office it would cost $450.

So there are more questions, there are more frustrations. Who do I believe? What do I do? At this point we have already paid nearly $15,000 for treatments so what is $200 more to see if I have this gene mutation? Both the MTHFR gene mutation and hypothyroidism could be contributing factors to infertility so I feel that I need to at least move forward with investigations. If it turns out that these are not affecting me then at least we'd know, and if they were affecting me, then we could get treatment which could help us to be successful! I was chatting with a friend earlier today and I said that a part of me feels that Unexplained Infertility is slightly worse only in the sense that there are no answers. There is no 'treatment' to move forward with because everything is a gamble, we don't know even know what the problem is. There are no guarantees that anything would work once we do have answers, but then I feel we would at least have the peace of mind of knowing what our issues are. So, we are currently moving forward with our FET and just hoping to find some answers along the way!

What I Wish People Told Me Before Undergoing Infertility Treatment

There is a lot involved in the investigative and treatment cycles for Infertility  and it is really hard to get all of that information out there in order for people to be truly prepared for what they are getting in to. I feel that I am pretty detailed in depicting what is involved however, there is still a lot that I haven't said which I wish someone had warned me about prior to getting starting, so here is my list of what I wish I knew:

1. Say goodbye to your privacy. 

You will be poked, prodded, and invaded in ways currently unimaginable. Majority of the clinic visits will involve internal ultrasounds (really all of them unless you are just going in for blood work). You are given a nice little paper blanket for modesty however, half the time that blanket gets ripped once you start moving around (or maybe that just happens to me! lol). I had one appointment where the technician walked in on me while I was still getting undressed (and I am pretty quick!). She just stood with the door open and I felt like saying, 'well you are going to see it in a moment, so you may as well come in', but then she closed the door and gave me 'privacy' to sit on the table. I had another appointment where there was a trainer in the room because the clinic got new ultrasound machines, so they were being taught how to use it. Whatever, the more the merrier right?? There are technicians/Dr.'s/nurses for each procedure and the number of people who have seen you naked from the waist down will grow. So if you are a shy/modest person, I promise you, you will get over that quickly. 

2. You will experience jealously towards pregnant women, and it's OK!

For the first year we started trying I would hope and hope that with every pregnancy announcement I heard, our time would soon follow. As the months went by and the disappointments piled up I started to feel really sad with every new announcement. I no longer felt that we were soon to follow and therefore I had the pang of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. Why wasn't this happening for us?? As we moved on to the fertility treatments and continued to have failure after failure my jealousy grew as well. Why are other couples able to get pregnant for free and we have to pay thousands of dollars out of pocket, just for a chance? I dread pregnancy announcements now, because they constantly remind me of our failures and our struggles. I am truly happy for my friends and family that get pregnant, but the pain I feel for our situation is always there. I want my friends and family to tell me when they are pregnant, I would never ask them to hide their happiness because of my sadness. However, I would prefer it to be done over email or text message so that I can sit with my jealousy and pain and process the emotions first. I have also learned that these feelings fluctuate over the course of a month, or even a cycle. There are days when there may not be any jealousy at all, and others where it is soo overwhelming that you just need a break, which leads into #3. 

3. Do what is right for you!

There is so much guilt involved when you are struggling with infertility. Guilt about what your body can and cannot do and guilt about the emotions you are experiencing. We expect ourselves to be perfect human beings and not let anything affect us and that is just nonsense that makes us feel even guiltier when we do have a bad day! If you are invited to a birthday party or a baby shower and you are feeling so vulnerable that you are not sure if you can make it through, then don't go! Give yourself permission to pass on parties/events without feeling the guilt about it. I have passed on a friend's baby shower because I knew I would be sad the whole time and would not enjoy myself. As happy as I was for her I knew there was a potential that I could ruin her party, because I am not the greatest at hiding my emotions. I would either have been sad or crying through the whole thing and therefore I didn't want her to worry about me. I felt that it would have been worse for me to go and ruin her party, than politely passing and allowing her to enjoy the day with people who were better able to celebrate. I did feel guilty, it is a natural human response, but I reminded myself that although I was protecting myself first and foremost, I was also looking out for my friend.  Bottom line is do what you feel is right for you. If you feel you can attend that party, then go, but if you feel that it is not the right time for you, then don't force yourself. Be okay, with not being okay. 

4. Find a good social network.

When I first embarked on this journey I went looking for a good support network. I didn't really know anyone that had gone through infertility personally, and although my family and friends tried to be supportive, I felt that they just weren't getting it. I joined a group on Facebook and initially felt that it was meeting my needs however over time I recognized that it wasn't. This particular group had a significant number of members and there always seemed to be some sort of conflict. Now, I only mention this because for me, the biggest issue I had with this group was comments made to people who needed to vent about insensitive comments they received or that 'yet another pregnancy announcement' that made them sad. The main reason I wanted to join a support group was to be able to vent. I wanted a safe place to express and release my emotions so I didn't snap about my friends and family. I felt who better to express these feelings to than a group of women going through the same thing. Ya, I was wrong on that front! There were others who needed the same level of support as I did however, there were some who made you feel like crap for your jealousy and anger. You were attacked (or felt as though you were) if you didn't just suck it up and accept the insensitive comments. I joined the group so I could suck up those insensitive comment in front of the person who said it, but then complain about it afterwards because it was hurtful. I wanted a place to be able to release those emotions so that they didn't get pent up. I found that I was getting more and more triggered and angry at the responses to people looking for that support, that I had to leave the group. We are all different and handle things different. Some are in a more negative space, or are still so new in this journey that they are in the midst of their grief and they need that level of support. Others have moved through their emotions and are in a more positive space. Both are normal, and both should be respected just the same. Since I left that group I have relied more on my friends and the friends I have met. I have been more honest about what works for me and what doesn't and I realize that having a small network that is meaningful to me is more important to my overall health. I did join another group but I try to use that more for informational purposes and support through the treatment than venting. It is very important to find what kind of support works best for you because you are going to need all the support that you can get! If you find you have some support that doesn't work for you, try to find something that does. 

5. You will question EVERYTHING!

Every symptom you experience you will question. What does it mean? Is it a pregnancy symptom? Is it normal? Should I be concerned? Starting the medications for the IUI and IVF I started to freak out that I had done something wrong. Did I lose too much of the medication when trying to get out the air bubble? Did I inject it right? I watched the videos over and over and although I 'knew' what I was doing, I questioned it all, and I questioned it each and every time, and with every new medication. It is a never ending cycle. Even results from the Dr. are questioned. We are still unexplained infertility and with each failing cycle I question what has been missed. Is there something that we should be doing that is not being done? The list goes on and on. This is normal. In a situation where you have no control it is hard to not question everything, or google every last symptom. The key would be to find the balance and rely on your support network for reassurance. If you have to go back to your Dr. and ask more questions or even seek a second opinion, then do that as well! You need to feel as though you are on the right track. 

6. There will be body fluids. 

When we did our IUIs I could feel a 'leakage' when the nurse removed the speculum after the procedure. I initially thought it was the sperm leaking out however the nurse assured me it wasn't and told me that it was actually my own bodily fluids. This was super embarrassing!!  I didn't however, imagine that it could get worse from there. For the IVF a semi full bladder is required. While the technician was pushing on my abdomen with the ultrasound machine, the only thing I could think of was 'don't pee on the Dr.'. I made a joke about trying not to pee on him and he laughed and said and if I did, I wouldn't have been the first and that it happens regularly. What?? Here I thought it was a joke, and now I was more worried than ever that it was going to happen to me!! Thankfully it didn't, but I will share it was pretty darn close, especially when the ultrasound technician continued to put pressure on my bladder. This just ties into #1, there are going to be very embarrassing things that happen and you will have bodily fluids released when you don't want it to, but it's all for a good cause. I keep trying to remind myself that if our treatments are successful (or even if not and we have to move on to adoption), it will be worth it. Just think, when a woman goes into labour her water typically breaks right? So we just have a head start on some those experiences. 

Now, since there is so much involved with the treatments and infertility as a whole, I am sure there is more to this list, but I hope that this is a good start. If you are reading this because you yourself are experiencing infertility. I wish you nothing but the best. If you are reading this because you have a friend or family member suffering with infertility, then I hope I have been able to provide you with some insight so you will be better able to support them. 

Guest Post: Infertility through my Husband's eyes.

With this being the Infertility Awareness week, I asked my husband if he would be willing to write a little something about what infertility means to him, or how he's been affected by it. He has written a beautiful and heartfelt post and I am very happy to be able to share this new perspective with you. Thank you hun for sharing your thoughts and feelings, I know that this was not the easiest task for you! <3
                                           -------------------------------------------

If you had told me three years ago that we would still be trying to have our first kid, I'd have laughed at you.  I'm not going to lie, I was pretty ignorant about the whole concept of infertility.  Like most people, I figured getting pregnant was an easy thing.  Sure, it may take a little time to get pregnant, but it shouldn't take too long, right?

One of the crazy things you learn when you're struggling with infertility is that it really doesn't care who you are.   There's no particular thing that says "hey, you're going to have a difficult time".  Visiting the clinics, it's amazing the diversity present.  It affects everyone.   The other thing that hits you in the clinics is how much everyone keeps to themselves, as if this is punishment for something they've done.   I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, but even I find the atmosphere stifling.   Nobody talks, everyone is on their phones (or, for the few, books) trying to ignore everyone else.

That's the thing about infertility.  No one talks about it.  No one wants to acknowledge it.  The CDC even classifies it as a disease.  Everybody talks around it, trying to avoid the subject.   Yet it's a subject that needs to be talked about.  1 in 6 couples in Canada are affected by it.  That's a large number of people, yet unless you know someone who's been willing to share, you don't really hear about it.  I'm blessed with a wife who's completely unafraid to share.  I feel she's doing a great job at educating people on it... including me at times.

When we started on this journey, I'll admit, I was ignorant.  I made a bit of fun of the ovulation kits, scoffing at the idea that you need to track your cycle to that detail.  Amazing how a few years of experience completely changes your perspective.  As the male in infertility, I have it easy.  I feel guilty a lot that Courtney has to drive to the clinic so many times during a cycle (those ovulation kits certainly seem a lot less funny now), especially since we live in a rural town and the clinics are all an hour away.  When we first visited the infertility clinic, as odd as it sounds, I really wanted it to be something wrong with me - low sperm count, low motility, anything.  I find it easier to deal with things that are happening to me than to Courtney.  I often struggle with how to be supportive - mainly with what to say.  I've never been good at offering verbal support, but I think I've gotten much better than what I used to be - or at least I say stupid things less often.

The other big thing I struggle with is grieving.  It can be hard to understand, but each failure feels like a loss.  While the many initial attempts (aided by drugs or not) and the two IUI's weren't too bad, the failure of our first IVF was very difficult.  Even though you know the success rates and all the numbers, it's still really tough when it does end in failure.  There is nothing quite like the feeling of the drop in your stomach when bad news arrives.   I don't have a good mechanism for dealing with grief - I'm very good at just stuffing things aside, ignoring the feelings I don't like until they go away.  It may not be the healthiest way, but it works for me.    Dealing with grief is something everybody does different, and it took me a while to realize the difference between how Courtney and I deal with it, and that I have to be accepting of the way that she deals with it.  It's still an ongoing process and the learning never stops.

But the biggest difficulty has been the not knowing.  We are currently dealing with unexplained infertility.  That means that all the tests that have been done have returned nothing as a source of the problem.  There is nothing worse than not knowing.    You just want answers.  Unfortunately science isn't quite there yet.  It's amazing the amount you do learn about human reproduction while you go through this experience.  Some days I'm even amazed anyone gets pregnant given the amount of things that can go wrong (seriously, there are a lot).  Someday science may get to the point where there is no more unexplained infertility (and maybe make it easier to determine what is wrong), but that's not too comforting when you're going through the process.

Overall, it's been a tough experience.  We've grown as a couple over this experience but it hasn't been easy.  And I still eagerly await the day that I will be able to hold our child in my arms.

Infertility Awareness Week

We are #1in6! 

May 19 to 28 is Infertility Awareness week in Canada and this year's theme is to raise awareness by putting a face to the 1 in 6 couples in Canada that are affected by this disease. 

So I have been sitting here thinking, what does infertility mean to me? What more can I do to educate people, aside from my overly detailed descriptions of what the procedures entail? Well I think I have it. I want to talk about the 'excitement' or lack thereof of going through fertility treatments.

I have heard from family and friends over and over how 'excited' they were for me that I was going to a fertility specialist and that I was undergoing this or that treatment. As time goes on I am finding that I am getting triggered and angry by these comments, at first I just thought I was being overly sensitive, but after our recent IVF failure I now understand why. Nothing about this process is exciting. The sheer fact that I have to go to a fertility specialist to help with trying to conceive a child is the furthest thing from exciting that there is. I am hopeful and eager that we will find answers and one day be successful, but the true excitement won't come until we get the confirmed pregnancy test.

Gearing up for the IVF retrieval I had been texting/messaging friends. They shared how excited they were for us that we were moving forward however, the only thing I could see was how scared I was. People keep telling me to think positively and focus on the good thing but how could I when I was scared about spending close to $11,000 on a chance to have a baby, no guarantees (all out of pocket due to no insurance coverage). I was scared that the clinic would not get enough eggs out of me to fertilize or that they wouldn't fertilize period. I was scared that they would't make it to the transfer day and we would't be able to move forward. I had so many fears but all anyone wanted to talk about was their excitement. I honestly wasn't excited at this stage. I was going to have a ridiculously long needle inserted inside of me to suck out what follicles I had. I was fearful of the pain (as well as everything else I already mentioned). I needed to stay positive but I also wanted to be able to talk about how stressful the whole experience was. At this very moment I couldn't even think about excitement. There was too much at stake and we had been at this for far too long. I understand that people view talking negatively as a 'bad' thing. An omen or a foretelling of what's to come. I don't believe in that all. We all need to vent when going through a stressful situation and I personally feel that not being able to express your fears or anger can cause more harm than not talking about it, but I don't have a medical degree in this so I will leave it at that. 

Excitement did eventually come, after our embryos were transferred into me. I had the wave of emotions, thoughts of possibilities and new hopes for the future. I believed that I could actually be pregnant, that the treatments finally worked for us, and I was finally able to let the excitement in. But this was still a cautious excitement, the closer I got to our beta, the more I was fearful that it may not work. I was at work talking with some coworkers about the transfer and my one coworker was congratulating me and expressing how happy she was for me, as if I told her that I was pregnant. I know some people view themselves as being 'pregnant until proven otherwise' after a transfer however, I personally have a hard time with that. So when this coworker was expressing her congratulations I had to remind her (and me) that this was only the first step and that there was no guarantees (yet). I think my hesitancy stems from all of the disappointments we've endured and although I will act and hope and believe as much as possible that I am pregnant, I still will not accept it until I get that BFP beta (and at this point, maybe not even then). 

I feel as though this whole experience has robbed us of the chance to be excited about a pregnancy anymore. I guess I can't really say that for sure, since we haven't had that experience yet, but when I think about pregnancy and what the future holds, I think of all of my fears. The fear of miscarrying before 12 weeks. The chance of complications in the pregnancy and losing it before the due date. Once you have experienced a loss whether it be through miscarriage, still birth, or infertility (the inability to conceive) it is hard to not imagine the worse outcomes and fears because that is what you've lived. When you have lived with something so profound it is hard not to be impacted significantly. A very close friend of mine lost her first son at 24 weeks in uterus. When she was expressing to me these exact feelings of not being able to truly be happy with her second pregnancy, and constantly worrying about losing it, I told her that she 'just had to try to be happy' and 'to look forward to the future and not in the past'. I know now how selfish and insensitive that was of me. She couldn't prepare the nursery a head of time and feel the same kind of joy as she did the first time around because she had experienced an unimaginable loss. Her experience robbed her of the ability to experience true happiness in a pregnancy again and while she was sharing those feelings with me I was not validating that and (perhaps) putting more guilt on her for not being able to. I wanted her to experience that happiness so much, and for her to be the person she was before her loss, that I selfishly did not allow her to talk about her fears. I know now, having gone through my experiences that she just needed to vent and I should have let her. 

I know the friends and family that share their excitement for us mean well, and I truly appreciate all of their sentiments! I may say that I am not excited, or comment on how I am actually feeling in hopes to capture how truly crappy and scary this journey is. In fact everyone living with infertility go through different emotions and perhaps there are some people out there that are better able to be excited than I am. We each cope differently and that is why I always stress that these posts are merely from my perspective, So my hope for a take away message, for any family member or friend of someone living with infertility, is that you just be there for them. If they are expressing fears or pessimism, let them. You can still express that you have hopes for them and wish them all the best, while validating their feelings and their experiences at the same time. Just remember to them, the person living with infertility, there is not a lot that is exciting on this journey.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For those who live close by please consider attending this event or even making a donation to IAAC!

Infertility Awareness 5 km Walk/Run

All ages are welcome!

This is a community awareness event

Bring your support system with you!

DATE: Sunday May 24th

TIME: 9am - walk/run begins

(Exhibitors, band, food and speeches to follow - event concludes at

12pm)

LOCATION: Burloak Waterfront Trail, 5475 Lakeshore East,

Burlington, ON (between Hampton Heath and Burloak Drive)

REGISTRATION: voluntary donation to Infertility Awareness

Association of Canada (IAAC)

DEADLINE: Must register before Friday May 22nd.

To register email Sarah Clark at sarah.clark@sesacoaching.ca or

call 289-681-7372.

The Chaos that is IVF

So we started our IVF preparation on April 12, 2015. The process itself is fairly similar to the IUI expect I didn't have to take any oral medications because the gonal-f injections started right off the bat, and the blood work/ultrasound visits were more frequent. 

I was started on 250IUs of gonal-f on CD 2 and then it was increased to 325IUs on CD 5, and then again to 375IUs on CD 11. The dose increases worried me. I questioned if my body was reacting appropriately to the medications and just frankly worried what it all meant. It's crazy that every little change makes you doubtful or scared through this process! On CD 8 I started a new medication called Orgalutran which is an LH suppressor to prevent me from ovulating on my own. This way the clinic can control ovulation, to ensure the follicles are growing well. I am just going to throw it out there that this was a very unpleasant injection! The directions in the box said to take it in the upper leg which was quite painful. It stung a bit while being administered and was very irritating for some time afterwards as well (I found out later that it can be given in the abdomen which can reduce the discomfort). 

I got into the routine of giving the daily injections and going for the blood work and ultrasounds but then the anxiety started to kick in. Each day we continued on I was worried about what it went meant. Was my body not responding well to the medications?? When would we finally be able to trigger? Overall I feel I was just getting to a point of not being able to handle the injections any longer and I was very eager to at least known when we would go in for the retrieval. Thankfully I didn't have to sit with those emotions for too long because I finally got the call to trigger on CD 12, which meant that our retrieval would be on CD 14.  

We stayed in a hotel the night before our retrieval

The fun part of the retrieval was being drugged up to help with the pain due to their having to use very long needle to get at the follicles. I was a little out of it and uncomfortable with the process so I was not really able to see/focus on what was going on. My husband however, was able to see the Dr. sucking the follicles through the needle on the ultrasound machine. It was apparently something cool and interesting to see, but I'll just take his word for it!! While I was getting cleaned up and escorted to the recovery room, they ushered my hubby into a little 'media' room in order for him to produce his specimen. Before we left we were told that his sperm looked good and that they had retrieved 10 eggs from me in total. Then we just had to wait to see how many would fertilize!! Our Dr. told us that he would use IVF (the old fashioned method of isolating the good sperm and introducing it to the eggs in the lab to allow for fertilization to occur naturally), and ICSI (a method where the inject a single healthy sperm into a single egg). The next morning we got the call from the Embryologist that 4 out of our 10 eggs fertilized!!

I hadn't heard anything in a couple of days so I decided to call the Embryologist, I was shocked when he shared that we had 5 embryos because just 2 days prior we only had 4! I guess we had a late bloomer fighting its way to make it! Our transfer was scheduled for 5 days past our retrieval (otherwise known as a 5 day transfer (5dt)). My understanding is that a 5dt is best for this means the embryo has reached the blastocyst stage and therefore is considered the best quality. It is difficult for me to describe to you the feelings I had about our embryos. To me, they were already my babies and I was feeling very protective of them. I couldn't imagine leaving any of them behind and I envisioned transferring all of them at some point either now, or in the future. I was already a mother to these little precious cells. 

On Wednesday April 29, 2015 we arrived at the clinic, eagerly awaiting to hear how our embryos were doing. Out of the 5 we had, only 3 made it through the blastocyst stage. Our Dr. wanted to transfer 1 good quality embryo however, after talking to him about my fears of it not being successful we decided to transfer 2. I just knew that if we only transferred 1 and we lost it I would have regretted not increasing our chances by implanting 2. We knew this increased our chances of having multiples and at this point we were okay with that thought, we just wanted something to finally work! I had waves of intense emotions after the transfer and at times felt as though I was going to cry for no reason at all. I was just so overwhelmed with everything! 

Our embryos that we transferred

I had read about keeping your body and mind stress free after the transfer so I took the rest of the week off and just relaxed as much as possible. I watched a Netflix marathon of The Mindy Project (which is awesome by the way) to keep me laughing and in good spirits, and I crocheted to keep me active as well. I felt great! I was hopeful and happy and hubby and I were talking to our embryos daily. If love and hope alone could make embryos survive then we would have the happiest and healthiest 2 out there!! Crazy thoughts go through your head at this stage as well. The recommendation is to not do anything excessive, such as exercise or use your abdominal muscles too much. I skipped my yoga because I was afraid of going and pushing myself too much (even though it is a gentle course). I was also fearful of doing anything that would cause too much strain (bowel movements included ... but that is for another comedy show). 

I went back for blood work 5 days after our transfer and it was indicated that my estrogen levels had started to drop so they started me on medication to support that, so I was on progesterone 3x a day and estrogen 2x a day. On the 6th day past the transfer I started spotting a little which really worried me for I also had cramping. When I started reading up on it, it really sounded like it could be implantation bleeding. I won't go into any gory details here but to say that over the next few days I continued to spot but more and more I was hopeful, because I really felt it was the implantation. We continued to talk to our embryos and we were both so filled with joy that this could actually be 'it' for us. We were planning for twins and just getting excited to have the beta confirm we were pregnant. 

On May 9, 2015 we returned for our beta. We drove the hour and 15 minutes to the clinic just for blood work and then decided to head out afterwards, to shop for appliances for our new house to keep ourselves occupied. We were just heading in to a restaurant for lunch when I started to not feel 'off'. I went to the washroom and noticed that I was starting to bleed a little more. I told my hubby I wasn't up to staying any longer so we decided to just head home. I started to feel very scared and as though this meant that the IVF didn't work. On our drive home we got the call which confirmed my fears. Our beta was negative, the IVF failed. We both started crying. We went home and laid in bed for a couple hours just sitting with our tears and not sure what to do next. I tend to get distant when I am in pain and my hubby prefers to be comforted, so we were trying the best we could to meet each other's needs and comfort each other. We were both so numb because we were so hopeful and confident that this was going to work. I fluctuated with my emotions, going from being tearful to angry and I truly just wanted to break something, anything! I had this strong urge to take everything within my reach and just throw it everywhere because nothing mattered anymore (I didn't ... but I really wanted to). 

Sometimes life just seems really unfair. No matter how much hope one puts out there or what they do to keep themselves calm a centered, ultimately, none of it is in our control. We have to do what we can to support our chances and keep ourselves healthy mentally, but it is not the answer to all of our problems. Things just don't always work out how we plan for them. 

We have 1 embryo remaining which froze successfully, so we are going to move forward with our FET (frozen embryo transfer), but then if this doesn't work we will most likely hold off until the fall before resuming treatments again. Summer vacations will most likely impact things and we'll also need time to get finances in order. It cost us about $11,000 to do the IVF and it will cost another $1,800 to move forward with the FET. I am scared to move forward because there is not even a guarantee that the embryo is going to make the thawing process successfully. None of this is a guarantee and when you put so much on the line it is really scary! But, like I've said before, we'll keep moving forward because that is all we can do in order to acheive our goal. I know I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet, and I feel like I would want to do this a couple more times before I am ready to face the thought that it may be not meant to happen for us. I don't only want to be a parent, I want to experience pregnancy, and I will do whatever I can to make that happen!

Moving on to IVF

On April 7th we met with our fertility Dr. to talk about next steps. We weren't surprised when he brought up IVF, due to our two cycles of IUI with super ovulation being unsuccessful and his telling us originally that he wouldn't recommend doing any more. He reiterated that there are still potential reasons as to why we have not yet conceived such as 1. the shell of the egg being too thick, 2. poor overall egg quality, and 3. the sperm being unable to fertilize the egg. We are hopeful that we will get more answers but honestly I am not going to hold my breath. For the past two and half years, through my diagnosis with Fibromyalgia and Infertility, every test I have undergone has come back 'normal'. So I honestly feel that we are just going to be that couple that will always be unexplained, which is incredibly frustrating. 

We wanted to get started right away but we found out that we had to meet with the IVF nurse first and have all the criteria met from a check list. Since my period was due that weekend we started to think that it wasn't going to happen this cycle. We really wanted this cycle because we are moving in July and therefore wanted a couple months under us if it was successful, the timing would be perfect. If we held off then we weren't sure if we should go ahead in May or if we should wait until after the move. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that any longer. The IVF nurse fit us into her schedule on Friday so we got everything completed and then my period arrived on Saturday. Everything was good to go to start our CD 2 Ultrasound and blood work on Sunday! The injections also started on Sunday, which is different from the IUI cycles, for we started off with pills and moved to injections on CD 6, whereas now we went to straight injections, at a much higher dose, and will stay on them until the retrieval. 

Initially I was filled with so much hope. Again, it seemed like everything was going to work out for us, but then reality kicked in. We've been here before, thinking that everything was falling into place only to be crushed. I have also heard of so many failures lately that it is has really shaken me. In the past little while I have known four couples that have gone through IVF. For most it was not even their first time. Out of the four, two got positive Beta's, out of those two, only one has so far had a viable pregnancy, although she has had her fair share of struggles from loosing one of the twins to nearly loosing the remaining one. I have also heard from a few friends that have had recent miscarriages. I then start to worry that even if we are successful, it will end badly for us. Now I know that these are not my stories, but I can't help but think that they could be.

These fears then lead to an overall questioning of everything. I often wonder if I am being punished for something, or if this is a way to end the ongoing cycle of crap in my life.

I wouldn't say that I have had a horrible life overall but it definitely has been a challenge. I don't really remember my childhood, I get snippet pictures here and there but I think they are mostly from stories others have told me, rather than my own memories. So I would say my challenges started in my early teens with living with mental health issues with one of my parents. It then went on to dealing with my own in my late teens and early twenties. I still struggle with my anxiety disorder however, it has been under control without medication for a couple of years now, and now I have my struggles with chronic pain. I know I don't want any kids we have to have the same struggles I did and therefore there are times when I wonder if this is 'life's' way of ending that cycle naturally. Of course I know that this is ridiculous because if that were the case then drug addicts would never get pregnant, but there is an emotional aspect, having not fully dealt with everything, that creeps up and puts these thoughts in my head. I felt that things had changed for me. I met this great guy, completely different from others that I had dated, someone who was kind, caring, and outstanding in every way possible and we decided to get married. Now we did have our struggles early on and it nearly ended our relationship however, we worked hard at making everything okay. We knew we loved one another and we were willing to use elbow grease to make things better for us. I will say we were quite successful at that and I honestly cannot imagine my life without him. We have worked so hard to make ourselves healthier and happier and I wonder why this baby just won't come now. There must be another reason! I know there isn't, sometimes life just sucks and bad things happen to good people and there is no other reason for it. But our brains cannot accept that. We look for some reason to explain the unexplained. 

Now my challenge is to accept those feelings but to move away from them. I cannot dwell in the past nor in the future, I have to work on keeping myself calm and centered on the here and now. As difficult as it is I have to be hopeful that it will work, but I can also be cautious at the same time. 

So here we go ....

IUI #2

Right after we got our negative Beta from our first IUI we started the process for our second one. I told myself that I would not get my hopes up as much as last time and that I would look at this realistically. Most people I talked to went on about being hopeful. They hoped it worked for us and would tell me that I needed to be hopeful, but they just didn't understand that the 'hope' is what hurts the most. Sure I want to be hopeful that it works, and I truly am, but I also have to be realistic that nothing has worked thus far and that the percentages are low of it working again.

So we went through the whole process again. My husband and I decided that this time I would let the call for our Beta results go to voice mail and that we would listen to it together when we both got home for work. It was a long afternoon knowing that I had the answer sitting there on my phone.

Surprise surprise, the beta came back negative. I told myself that it was okay, we knew this was going to happen and to be strong. My husband and I had prepared ourselves, talking about what we would do for next steps and making plans. Although, I actually thought that by preparing for the next steps we wouldn't need it. I was angry, but I felt that I was taking the results better than I had the previous month. That was, until I got to work the next day. Within thirty minutes of being at work I was a water works show. I could not stop crying and I couldn't even talk. Perhaps it was the all the hormone drugs along with the negative beta, or perhaps the grief was just finally kicking in.

The nurse informed us that our treatment would be on hold now until we met with the Dr. to review next steps. Thankfully we got an appointment within four weeks, so that gave us a much needed break but still within a good time frame to move forward because moving forward is all we can do. Blindly and achingly. 

                                             

IUI #1

We had a nice relaxing Christmas with my in-laws. Honestly it turned out perfectly! My in-laws lost their internet just before we arrived and didn't get it back until after we had left. Which meant that I was not tempted to go on social media where I would see all of the pictures of happy families with their children on Christmas morning. My husband had also talked to his family and asked them to minimize talking about pregnant people/babies due to how vulnerable/sad I had been over the past few weeks. They respected that (which was greatly appreciated) and I didn't realize until the drive home how truly relaxing and wonderful the few days we had spent there had been. I felt rejuvenated and ready to embark on our next steps!

So we said goodbye to 2014 and hello to 2015! The year where things will finally start changing for us! It just has to right?? After two and half years of struggling with infertility things just have to finally turn around for us, right??. So then all we had to do is wait for my period to arrive and then we could get the process started for our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). 

Schedule of medications and blood work/ultrasound appointments.  

I have had people ask what occurs through the process so I'll take a moment now just to explain it. Once I get my period, I contact the clinic to schedule my first blood work/ultrasound appointment. The first appointment is typically Day 2 or 3 of the cycle (CD 1 being the start of the period). 

I've suggested that they put up cartoons for us to
look at while we are laying on the table, still
waiting for that to happen!

Each morning I go into the clinic I have to have blood work drawn,  LH (Luteinizing hormone) levels are monitored in order to detect ovulation. When the LH surge is detected that means within 24-36 hours ovulation will occur.

I have internal ultrasounds each time, as well as the blood work, and 1 visit I have to do a full bladder, external ultrasound. The purpose of the external ultrasound is to ensure there are no anomalies such as cysts or fibroids. The internal ultrasounds are to monitor the growth of the follicles, which hold the eggs (Follicles produce the hormones estrogen and progesterone and release an egg when you ovulate - Mayo clinic description). The Dr. monitors the growth of the follicle(s) to ensure that they are growing and will be mature and healthy enough by the time ovulation occurs. Typically the healthy follicles range from 18-36mm however, my Dr. stated that he preferred them over 20mm. 

Fun part is the medications! Not ... I actually cried in the pharmacy when I picked up the gonal-f needles, after I saw the price. I knew it was going to be expensive, I just hadn't realized how much! The pharmacy technician was super sweet and understanding, which helped a little. (Thank you places of employment for specifically excluding Fertility medications from their insurance plans!!). I took Femera (Letrozole - used to stimulate the follicles) from CD 3 - 7, Gonal-F (as seen above - also a follicle stimulator to increase the amount of follicles growing) from CD 6 - 12 and then I triggered on CD 13 with Ovidrel (it's called a trigger because it 'triggers' ovulation, or for those who do ovulate on their own, it ensures that it happens within a certain time frame and releases the eggs). I was okay with giving myself the 'trigger' needles before, when it as only once a cycle however, I was not ready to give myself a needle daily from CD 6 - 13!! Hubby was great, he was willing to help but I wanted to be able to do it myself, so he assisted with getting everything for me and then he was the 'counter' to ensure I left the needle in long enough. It was good because it made him feel as though he had a part in the process, and it helped to keep me calm through it as well, because he was there with me.

Since I ovulated on my own, once the LH surge was detected our IUI would be scheduled for the following morning. We decided that we would spend the night in a hotel because hubby had to have his 'contribution' to the lab by 6:45am. With Mississauga being over an hour away from us there was no way we wanted to have to deal with that drive that early in the morning! Thankfully my sister in-law was able to help us out and spent the night with our dog and cat. Unfortunately though, that took several days of emails trying to keep her posted on potential time frames, but we really didn't know until the afternoon before when the IUI would be. (Thank you SIL for being so flexible!)

The IUI itself was around 8:30am. Hubby made his 'delivery' and then came back to the hotel to get me and we headed to the clinic for the procedure. As you can imagine we were excited and scared, anxious and happy, although if anything I think we just look tired in the picture.

The IUI was not painful, however it was uncomfortable. They used a speculum (similar to a pap smear) to open the cervix and then they inserted a catheter to inject the sperm. I experienced a lot of deep cramping which lasted about a day and half otherwise it was a simple procedure. Afterwards I had to lay still for about five minutes and then we were free to go so that we could start the dreaded two week wait (tww). 

The evening after the procedure I had to start taking progesterone suppositories twice a day. When I had gone for my initial investigation testing, it was indicated that my progesterone levels were low after ovulation (I was at 7 and the Dr. prefers the levels to be above 10), and therefore if there was a pregnancy I was at higher risk of miscarriage, or it not sticking. Thankfully I had a couple days off of work when I started the progesterone because, other than having to get used to 'administering them', it made me incredibly tired and 'zoned' out. I thought it was due to just being tired but after reading up on the medications and talking to a friend, I think it was from the progesterone. After three days the exhaustion was still there but I started to feel as though I had at least a little energy again. 

It was a long couple of weeks and we had a lot of exciting things happen for us. Due to my chronic pain issues my husband and I decided to purchase a new home, a bungalow, so that when we do have a baby I won't have to worry about climbing stairs to the nursery several times a day. Our current house had been on the market for about a week and half and actually sold the same day we had the IUI!! Now this was shocking to us because houses typically take three months to sell in this area, and also the house we bought is a new build and won't be ready until the end of June, so we wanted a July closing date. We were so thrilled and excited and started to wonder if this was a sign that things were finally going to start looking up for us. We were hopeful and giddy and talking about the baby 'that could be'. 

Another small part of me was hopeful due to an experience I had a couple years back. Several months after we first started trying to conceive, I had gone to a psychic fair with one of my hubby's cousins. I was told that I wouldn't conceive anytime soon (which came true), and that my first would be conceived in January. I thought that she had meant the January coming up, which would have been last year however, with our IUI being January 30th, and with everything else that had gone on, I couldn't help but wonder if this was the sign that our infertility journey was coming to end and that the prediction was going to come true. 

A blood test, called a Beta, is taken two weeks after ovulation to detect the hcg (human chorionic gonadotrpin) hormone, which is a sign of pregnancy. If the hcg hormone is detected then a second blood test is completed two days later to ensure that the levels are doubling, which would indicate a progressing pregnancy. If the hormone is not detected, then it means the procedure was not successful. 

Our fist IUI was not successful. I had been working from home the day of the blood test and was actually on the phone with a client when the clinic called. I let it go to voice mail and then when I was off the phone, with all the positive thoughts I could muster, I checked the message. 'So sorry your test was negative. Please stop taking the progesterone and call us when your period starts to schedule your CD 2/3 blood work/ultrasound to start again'. How to describe how I felt when I hear that, well I think the picture below depicts it very well. I felt empty. I felt that I had just gotten a call that a close family member had died. I couldn't stop crying and just kept thinking how unfair life is. I knew my husband was eagerly awaiting the results as well but how could I call him at work and tell him that all of our hopes had been shattered? So I sat by myself for the next few hours, crying off an on waiting for him to come home. I messaged a couple of close friends who had also been eagerly awaiting the results, but I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't know what I could say other than choke on my tears. Hubby called me on the way home from work, I thought about not answering his call but knew that would worry him, so instead I tried to be as chipper as possible and told him that we could talk when he got home. He came in the door with a very long face, already suspecting the results I would be sharing with him. I started to cry, he started to cry and we just embraced one another. But how do we console one another? I so much just wanted to stay with him embraced, but then I also wanted to run away. I can't help but feel as though this was all my fault and I wasn't sure I wanted to be consoled either due to my anger. 

I decided to take the following day off of work because I was still feeling very fragile emotionally. I hear a song lyric, I start crying, someone messages me to be supportive and I start crying. I didn't think that I could productively be at work, especially since there would be pregnant women there. I just needed time to compose myself and work my way through the stages of grief. It is hard to explain to someone who has never been through this that it really is a loss. It is not about 'better luck next time', because although we will keep trying, there is no guarantee it is going to happen. This is a loss, a death of a loved one that has never existed. How to explain that, although I have never been pregnant, I am loosing a child each month. I decided to go and get a hair cut, just to distract myself and get out of the house. It was all fine until the stylist asked me if I had any kids. The tears started again and I couldn't help wonder why people feel the need to ask those questions as small talk. I told her I had a dog and cat and while trying to compose myself. After several minutes I briefly shared our struggles, to explain my tears, and then we didn't talk about it again. I ended up crying the whole car ride home, just feeling incredibly sad, empty, and very very angry. I didn't even care at that moment if the car went off of the road. I wasn't suicidal, I just didn't see a point in life anymore. But then I reminded myself that I have been here before. I know it is going to take me a few days just to 'be okay', and that was fine with me. I don't want to hide my grief. I need to feel the pain. I know once I go through the emotions I will be better able to move forward and try again.  So I may not be okay today, but I will be tomorrow.  

So now we wait for my period to start so we can do the whole process again ... Am I ready? Emotionally no, but I will do whatever it takes to continue our journey with trying to have a baby.