Being supportive to couples during their Trying to Conceive Journey

First off let me say that this is just from my perspective, each person is different on their journey and would like different levels of support it is always best to ask your friend or family member if you truly want to understand what they need.

When my husband and I first started Trying to Conceive we were eager, excited and impatient. Getting our BFP (Big Fat Positive) could not possibly come soon enough for us. After a couple of months of being unsuccessful I started using OPKs (Ovulation Prediction Kits), when I first told some people about using the OPKs I was met with comments of 'just relax', you are putting to much stress on yourself, or we used those and got pregnant right away! Sure these comments could have been valid in the beginning however as time went on and we kept getting BFNs (Big Fat Negatives) we were still experiencing the same comments and they were becoming more and more aggravating and hurtful. So this post is to bring forth some of those comments and some suggestions I have as to how to be supportive of friends and family who are trying to conceive.

1. My ultimate favourite comment is "I know ____ (insert name of friend/coworker/second cousin/friend of a friend ... etcetera) who 'stopped trying' and got pregnant the very next month! So just 'Relax' and let it happen!"  ... First of all let me just say that if two people are still having unprotected sex and not 'actively' trying to avoid pregnancy then you are still trying. Also, if you have never tried to conceive a child for more than one year then you do not understand how impossible it may be for some to 'relax', it is incredibly frustrating and stressful and comments such as this come across as being very insensitive, even if it is coming from a good place. Secondly, infertility is REAL, telling someone to relax inadvertently places the blame for their problems on the couple and not on the possibility that there is a medical explanation as to why they are having difficulties conceiving. Instead of telling your friend or family member to relax try just listening to their frustrations and validating their experience. Tell them you cannot imagine how frustrating/stressful it could be. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to and not advice.

2. Another comment which really gets to me is "It will happen when it is meant to". I do tend to get defensive when I hear this and it really gets to me because NOT everyone CAN get pregnant. Is that what I am facing? I don't know, but neither do you. Now I personally feel that YES, one way or another everyone can have their family, whether or not it is through fertility treatments such as IUI or IVF or if those fail, through adoption, but a very real concern with those options is finances. Treatments and adoption can be very expensive and therefore not an option for everyone. If you want to be supportive and optimistic then I would suggest to say something along the lines of 'Someday, somehow you will have the family you have dreamed of'. This leaves this open to different treatments/adoption if that is what is needed.

3. "Your still young, you have lots of time to conceive", is yet another comment which is aggravating. Myself personally, I am 32. My husband and I have always dreamed of having three or four kids and honestly, I feel that biological clock ticking (never believed in it before this!). Either way, yes we have 'time' but that does not take away from the struggles we are experiencing NOW. I would actually just recommend not saying this. Again, just listen to your friend or loved one and provide support.

4. "I know how you feel, it took me __ (insert two, four, or five) months to conceive!". No, you don't know how I feel. You can appreciate how I may feel based on your limited experience with waiting, but you have not had to wait this long so please don't tell me you understand. I do understand that this is meant to be comforting and you want to show that you 'get it'. I would suggest that instead you say something along the lines of "I tried for __ months, and although I can appreciate what you are going through, I could not possibly understand how you must be feeling".

5. "I never had any problems getting pregnant, or my Husband just looks at me and 'BAM' I get pregnant" ... That's nice, not the best time to be bringing this up ... maybe just don't say this.

6. "It's Gods will, it will happen when HE feels it is time". I appreciate that this is your belief, however this is not everyone's belief. Personally I am not religious and this type of comment would be very insensitive to say to me. Likewise "Everything happens for a reason", is equally as bad to say. What would the reason be? Why would someone need to find the positive in the struggles they have faced? Sometimes SHIT happens, no rhyme, no reason, it just does. Maybe just say to your friend/family member that life can be very crappy sometimes and that it is not fair that they have to struggle and that you will be there if they need you. Often when people are on the other side of their struggles they find those reasons why something happened (or believe they found it to find a purpose as to why they struggled so much), but when you are in the midst of the struggles it is hardest to find that meaning.

7. "You are so lucky you don't have to deal with morning sickness! (or other pregnancy symptoms)", "At least you can still drink!". These comments are meant to provide comfort and finding that 'silver lining' but again, for those trying to conceive (or those who have suffered miscarriages or stillbirths) comments such as these can be very insensitive. I would give up drinking for ever if only I could conceive my child. I would suffer through years of lack of sleep, nausea, and labour pains ... The point is those trying to conceive would GIVE UP everything to have a child, so your telling us what we can still do is not helpful. Again, just be there and listen and be as supportive as possible.

The list is not exhaustive and if you wish to read more there are lots of articles you can google on how to be supportive or what not to say.

I have one friend in particular who had me in tears talking about this. She had seen a post I pinned on Pintrest about 'what not to say to those trying to conceive' and she decided to read it. She shared with me that it opened her eyes as to things she had already said to me (and others) who have struggled and that she now saw how insensitive some of it could be (even though it was really coming from a well meaning place). I cried because the fact that she looked into something in order to help me through this, meant the world to me. She expressed that she could never know what I was going through but wanted to support me the best way possible. I still get emotional thinking about that conversation and the level of support that was expressed. It is not an easy conversation to have with someone but the fact that she went out of her comfort zone to speak to me was truly amazing!

I also received amazing support from my Mom (and Dad). In the beginning my Mom was the one to tell me to 'relax' and 'let it happen'. She shared that she had no problems getting pregnant, in fact both my brother and I were birth control Oopsies, (Love ya Mom, but you pretty much said all the 'Not to Says'). I know (or at least am suspecting) that everything my Mom said to me was coming from a place of motherly protection. She doesn't want me to hurt and struggle. Anyways, I emailed her after going to the Fertility Clinic for the first time and shared what was going to be next. The response I got was absolutely beautiful and amazing and brought me to tears. I would share the whole email although I have a feeling my Mom would not appreciate that, in fact I don't think she would even like me sharing this :) (Sorry Mom!). She told us that she will be there for us no matter what and support us through everything whether we are able to conceive on our own or not. It meant the WORLD to me! I know she loves us and is supportive but hearing it (reading it) made it that more real. It validated everything we are going through and just made me feel so secure that they are behind us all the way!

For some people it can be hard to be supportive. Not everyone is accustomed to talking about emotions and feelings. I say, try your best. If someone posts something on a social media site acknowledge it. Give them a 'like'. It doesn't mean that you have to 'like' everything, but let them know that you support them and their Journey. Talk to them, ask them how they are doing. This is a very isolating Journey, it is nice for people to know they have support.

The Journey Begins

I guess this is the part where the story is told ...

Once upon a time a man and woman met and fell madly in love. They were together for four years before they got married and all they talked about was the day that they would start their family and how exciting it would be. Nearly 21 months after the wedding, 14 months of 'actively' trying to conceive later, here we are.

My husband and I had taken a couple 'breaks' from trying to conceive due to some of the stress and pressure it was taking on us as well as the fact that I had accepted a new job and we moved into our new home. There were so many times over the past year and half that I questioned whether or not there was a problem. My mom kept telling me that we were putting too much pressure on ourselves and although part of me wanted her validation that there was a problem, it is not NORMAL to go this long without getting pregnant, another part of me wanted to believe her. Maybe we did want it too much and were stressing and putting a lot of pressure on ourselves. So each month I would go through the dreaded TWW (two week wait) and wonder if this was going to be 'the' month. And then the disappointment would kick in for Aunt Flow (AF: aka period), arrived. In the first several months I spent so much on pregnancy tests, testing the day before AF ('cause of course the commercials saying you can KNOW before seemed so right!), testing the day of AF, if I didn't get it first thing in the morning. Sometimes I would even test after AF, there are so many similar symptoms so maybe what I experienced was implantation bleeding right? Ya, it got to the point where I was telling myself everything and anything to believe I could be pregnant. Now I am to the point where it is less pain to not be hopeful. AF was late one month, very unusual for me, and I made the mistake of actually believing and being hopeful that I could be pregnant. The hurt, anger and frustration that came when AF finally showed her ugly self was unbearable and I was nearly ready to give up. Now, although we are still trying, I try not to be too hopeful, it is almost to the point where I am expecting AF to show up each month instead of dreaming of the possibility of having a child. Is that the right approach? Who knows, I don't think there is a rule book about this type of thing. All I know is that I am tired of hurting (emotionally) all the time.

Around the same time that we started to conceive, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder, Fibromyalgia. I was in constant agony and of course that does not help with doing the 'deed'. I had gone to a Naturopathic Dr. and was taking supplements to assist with the pain, doing acupuncture to help with pain and fertility, and pretty much was open to trying anything recommended to 'help', but after four months of experiencing no differences I stopped all of that.

With all that I have experienced over the past two years with my body, it is hard to not feel as though it is giving up on me. I dream of having a family and playing, having fun, but then I wonder if I would even be able to do any of that. I can barely walk for 15 minutes without having extreme pain how am I going to run after toddlers? I wonder if my inability to get pregnant is because I would be a 'bad' mom. Not being able to do the things I dream of, but of course my brain tells me that is just nonsense, there are ways that play time could be adapted and adjusted and I know that, but my heart screams out every so often and does not think rationally. What other reason could there be?

It gets harder when it seems like daily I am hearing about yet another person who is pregnant. My heart aches with each and every announcement I hear. I am super excited for those who are pregnant but there is a part of me that just wants to cry. It is the hole in my heart and arms that aches and I just wish each time that it was me making that announcement. I am angry that things have been so difficult for us and I HATE life for that reason. It is hard to explain to people that I can feel joy and pain at the same time. I am happy for them and hurt for myself and although I have to distance myself from their pregnancy and babies, it has nothing to do with them but all because of the emotions and the loss that I feel for myself. I explained it once as 'It is not about 'them' having what we don't have, but it's about us not having what 'they' have'. Talk about a confusing description considering they are both the same, just in reverse, however to me the statements have different meanings.

So our journey continues. We have spoken to our family physician and he agrees that it is not typical for couples to go this long without conceiving and therefore we have been referred to a Fertility clinic. We went for our first visit with the Dr. at the end of March and found out that we had to wait until the beginning of my next cycle in order to start the investigations. This past Sunday, Easter Sunday, was Day three of my cycle and therefore I had to go in for blood work and an internal ultrasound (apparently these are the norm), I was then informed that the Dr wants to monitor my cycle to see when I ovulate and therefore I have to go back five to seven times within the next three weeks and I am also scheduled for a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography (this procedure is used to look for abnormalities of the uterus and endometrium, such as begnin growths (such as polyps or fibroids), cancer, or endometrial thickening). Once they have determined when I do ovulate, I will then have to go back one week later for a 3D ultrasound for the final look.

Well you are pretty much caught up now, I go for the Sonohysterography on Saturday and then will continue with the cycle monitoring. Once all of this is completed we will go back and speak to the Dr. about all of the results and find out what the next steps will be. Hardest part thus far of the Trying to Conceive Journey is the waiting period, whether is for test results or to see if we are pregnant or not.

Someone suggested that I start a blog about my TTC (Trying to Conceive) Journey and at first I thought it wasn't a good idea. I don't want people knowing what it is my head, heck half of the time I don't even want to be alone with my thoughts, but then the more I thought about it, it seemed like a good idea, at the very least I should give a try. When my husband and I were in the Fertility clinic we saw a lot of couples there, in fact we considered the place to be quite busy although the staff told us it was a 'slow' day. I realized then that so many people suffer alone. I posted something on my facebook about our struggles and had seven friends reach out to me to share their stories and support. This is something that affects so many people and yet nobody knows about it! If I can give a voice, if it is only from my perspective, about the struggles couples face then I guess it is worth opening myself up. With that being said, please bear with me for I have a lot to say and sometimes am not good at organizing my thoughts and this whole blogging/journaling thing is quite new to me!