For those who have been following our story I guess I will just pick up where I last left off... We were a week away from our follow up appointment with our fertility Dr. when we got a call to push it back yet again. We were informed that the Dr. had a meeting he had to attend and therefore needed to re-book. They wanted us to go in the same day as the scheduled appointment, but instead of 5pm they wanted us to be there for 8:30am. Thankfully they were able to get us in that Friday instead since that didn't work for us. In the meantime I had contacted the manager of the office because by that point I was so angry with how many times our appointment had been rescheduled and the fact that the information I had asked to have sent the specialist had not been sent. I pointed out that changing an appointment a Friday before the Monday appointment due to a scheduled meeting was unprofessional and unacceptable. She validated the experience and how angry I was and expressed that although it happened to us, it was an anomaly for their office. She advised that she would speak to the staff about getting patient requests completed in a timely manner and further informed me that they would be making changes to how they book appointments after procedures, to ensure that people got to see the Dr. and get their results in a timely manner. I felt that they heard my concerns and actually took to heart what I was saying. Furthermore, the fact that they have taken feedback (most likely more than just mine) and were implementing changes was a wonderful thing! So, we decided to stick with them. I think no matter where we go there is going to be some issues (or so I've read), so I feel good staying with them knowing that at least we have a very personable Doctor.
The Doctor confirmed that the results from the Laparoscopy were clear. I do not have endometriosis nor any explanation as to why we haven't conceived yet. It is also unclear as to why I have the increased pain on my right side during ovulation and menses. We did learn a little more about conception and issues that people may have though, which I thought were very interesting. He shared that there are a few reasons why couples are unable to conceive which are not found until they get to the IVF stage such as: 1. the shell of the egg is too hard for the sperm to penetrate 2. the sperm is unable to fertilize the egg and 3. overall poor egg quality. The more I am learning about this process, the more I am honestly wondering how anyone actually gets pregnant on their own ... such a mystery!
So, at this point we are still considered to have unexplained infertility. Our Dr. is suggesting that we get a little more aggressive with our treatments meaning that he wants to increase the medications in order to release more eggs at ovulation. The new treatment plan includes more needles, which I am NOT looking forward to, but I know my hubby will help out if needed. Our Dr. feels that we should be fine to 'do the deed' on our own however, due to my chronic pain issues and wanting to optimize our chances he has agreed to do an IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) along with the increase in meds. We figure we'll resume our treatments in the new year. I have other health issues that we are looking into, to rule out possible auto-immune issues (the colonoscopy), and then we'll get through the Christmas holidays before starting the new regime.
Part of me wants to be hopeful, we will be starting a new treatment plan which is going to be more aggressive, but it's hard to be optimistic. So much can go wrong. I have low progesterone so once we've completed the IUI I will have to take progesterone suppositories in order to raise my levels. This will hopefully make a more conducive environment for a baby to grow. After that there is still so much that can go wrong. We haven't even gotten to the pregnancy stage and I am already worried about the possibility of loosing it. I know I am going to be super happy once I do get that BFP, but I know that I will worry right up until the day of delivery that something horrible would/could go wrong. I have heard so many different stories and experienced losses with friends and family that I know it will be hard not to think about all of it when it does finally happen for us, but I guess I'll have to wait to cross that bridge when we get to it.
The past year I have been in a dark place emotionally. I know I have been struggling with our infertility and dealing with my chronic pain issues at the same time, and I was angry. It has taken time but I was truly starting to feel that I was coming out from under that dark cloud. I wasn't feeling as 'poor me' as I had been and I was becoming more optimistic and hopeful. Unfortunately it isn't lasting and I feel that it is slowly creeping away from me again. I have been bombarded with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and with each one another part of me crumbles. It is so hard to explain to someone that although I am super sad and angry about our situation, I am happy for them. It is just really hard to be around constant baby and pregnancy talk. I put a smile on my face and contribute to the conversation and then I get away or change the subject as soon as I can. Majority of the time I feel like crying inside. One of my coworkers recently had a baby and brought her newborn son into the office for a visit. Everyone was so happy to see the new baby and honestly, I felt as though I was going to have a panic attack. I quickly said hello but then I had to get away. It took everything inside of me to stop the tears from coming, so I just jumped right into work and started making phone calls to distract myself. Now, I would never ask pregnant coworkers to not talk about their pregnancies or to not bring their babies in to show off, but I am hopeful that they (all coworkers) can respect that I cannot be around it (conversations and babies) constantly (or sometimes at all).
This whole experience has really opened my eyes. I have thought about what I've said to people in the past and how it could have come across as insensitive and, although I am sure I will still mess up, I am trying hard to think about other's situations and how what I could say would impact them. One example I can think of is talking to a single mother coworker of mine. We had been talking about houses and I was saying how great and helpful my husband was. She was alone, having to do it all herself, and here I was, insensitively saying over and over everything my hubby did to help. Although my appreciation for my husband is valid I recognize that it was not an appropriate time to talk about it. I feel I should not have spoken about it as much as I did and although we could have had the same conversation, we could have focused on other aspects. There are so many situations and experiences that are different from our own and lots of times we say things that are potentially insensitive and hurtful because we are ignorant to it. I personally want to try to be more sensitive to what other's go through, just as I am hopeful that other's would want to be more sensitive to what we are going through.
So now we prepare for the holiday season. Another year without a baby to spoil. Another year without the line ups to see Santa or the 5am wake up because they are just so excited that Santa is coming ... call me crazy, but I am really looking forward to having it all one day. In the meantime I am just hoping for a week of no baby talk and no pregnancy announcements. We are spending a few days with hubby's family, so it should be a quiet Christmas. Here's hoping that 2015 brings the good news that we are looking for and I truly hope that those who are also struggling on this journey get their miracles as well!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
