Life's Journey: Trying to Conceive

Thursday, 24 November 2016

The Journey that is My Pregnancy

As far as pregnancies go I was quite lucky (from what I hear). No morning sickness and overall minimal symptoms. Now typically people would have been relieved by that, but unfortunately no symptoms can also heighten fears and anxieties, especially after having bleeding episodes (I believe in my last post I had commented on having one bleeding episode, well that turned into 4 in total between weeks 5 and 9). By week 13 I was so consumed with anxiety that I was thinking almost every day or every other day that the baby was dead. Each new thing or new step worried me, I constantly feared that I would cause harm to the baby. Progesterone was to be stopped at week 12, and even though I knew so many other women had stopped their medications much earlier in the pregnancy and everything turned out fine, it still caused me huge anxiety. Taking those meds every day was after all the only piece of control I had. I was also reintroducing foods since I had been on the full Paleo diet. Trimester 2 was the introduction of dairy and I actually worried that something bad would happen if I ate cheese or had a yogurt. I know, not very rationale but the mind does play tricks on you!

I told myself early on in the pregnancy that I would not buy a home Doppler, but my constant fears took over so I decided to get one. For me, it was the best decision ever! I knew it could take awhile to find the baby's heartbeat and I used a suggestion to try looking after the midwife had found it (that way if I couldn't find it, it wouldn't be as stressful). Each time I started to get anxious and worried about the baby I would use the Doppler and just hearing the heartbeat reassured me. I also had an anterior placenta (at the front of the uterus instead of the back) and therefore I wouldn't be able to feel the baby move until much later than a person with a posterior placenta, so just waiting to feel the baby for reassurance was not an option. At about 21 weeks, once I finally started to feel the baby's movements I no longer needed the Doppler regularly and only used it once in awhile. There is a lot of criticism on the use of Dopplers and although yes I agree it is not a diagnostic tool and therefore if something is wrong it is best to contact your care provider, I do feel that for someone like me, that had absolutely no reason to worry but constantly did, it was a life saver and actually reduced my anxiety.

I had a great midwife and was glad I had chosen that route, if I called and asked for a check in she would accommodate me and she was super sensitive and empathetic to my fears. She actually told us several times that it is quite common to have more anxiety/fears after suffering with infertility so it was great knowing that she 'got it' and validated our feelings. We not only worried about loosing our baby, we were also worried about the time and money it could potentially take us to get pregnant again since it had already taken us 3 1/2 years and around $30,000, it was quite daunting just thinking about
it.

So we had scan after scan (12 week test to rule out any potential complications and then our anatomy scan at 20 weeks) and everything was coming back clear, indicating a strong and healthy baby. More and more I started to relax, was slowly able to enjoy the pregnancy and plan for the future. I stopped worrying that something bad was going to happen and started to envision how the birth was going to happen. I was getting excited to feel the baby growing inside of me and getting to experience the later stages of pregnancy. All of that changed when I went for a routine scan at 29 weeks. Typically one would not have this extra scan but since I am plus sized they weren't able to estimate growth so wanted a scan to make sure everything was still going well, turns out that that was a blessing in disguise. It was discovered that my cervix was open and the baby's feet were right at the top of my cervix, known as a footling breech. The ultrasound technician consulted with the Radiologist who broke the news to us. He suggested that I get in touch with my Midwife asap, which I did. We met at the hospital and she consulted with an OB on call. The plan was that they were going to send me to McMaster which is a high risk pregnancy hospital however, the OB did his examinations and declared that my cervix was not open and that everything was in fact fine. I asked my midwife how I could have gone from completely open to completely closed and she told me that sometimes the ultrasound machine can distort images and having an internal exam was more accurate. We made a plan for me to return the following week for a follow up ultrasound and then we would go from there. The OB suggested I take one day off and return to activities as normal but my midwife told me to take the rest of week off and relax. The next day I received a phone call from my family Dr. who had reviewed my ultrasound results and was concerned. She told me that I was at high risk of preterm labour and wanted me to get a second opinion. So that's what I did. I had my midwife make a referral to McMaster Hospital as opposed to waiting for the follow up appointment. I told her that although I knew we had a plan in place I just wanted this referral for a second opinion and piece of mind. The day I was to return to my local hospital I actually went to McMaster to have my consultation. They brought me into a separate ultrasound area with a higher quality machine and as soon as the technician told us that she was going to get the Dr. to review something on the screen I knew that something was wrong. I was supposed to go to the clinic to review the results but they ended up transferring me to Labour and Delivery so I that I could be assessed much sooner. The Dr. came in completed an internal exam and said 'Okay, so your cervix is open, you are 4cm dilated and the baby's feet are right on top of the cervix so you're going to be staying with us until this baby is born'. At that moment I was grateful that we had gone for the second opinion! I was also very angry with the OB at my local hospital who told me that everything was fine when in fact it wasn't. I couldn't get into that though or think about it for I had to focus on myself and the baby and I was just relieved that nothing serious had happened (like a breech delivery of a preterm baby in a small town hospital that does not have the facilities to manage).

I spent the night in labour and delivery for they expected me to have the baby at any time. At this point I was only 30 weeks into the pregnancy so they gave me steriod shots to help the baby's lung development. Since I had no signs of labour and my cervix just opened I was diagnosed with an Incompetent Cervix (An incompetent cervix, also called a cervical insufficiency, is a condition that occurs when weak cervical tissue causes or contributes to premature birth or the loss of an otherwise healthy pregnancy - Mayo clinic). I feel lucky that this was caught though, and in the third trimester where the baby definitely had a better chance for an early arrival, for most cases of IC are found after a second trimester loss. After a night in labour and delivery with no signs of delivery they moved me to a high risk ward. It was emotional, I wasn't able to be home with my husband or dog and we had no idea how long I would have to stay there. The hope was that I would be there for the long haul since that would be in the best interest of the baby. I was prepared to be there for as long as it took, I didn't go through everything I had to give up or start thinking about myself. I had a couple emotional days but I had great family and friends who dropped by to visit or called to keep me occupied and entertained. My husband and sister in law also made a couple visits with the dog so that I could get some cuddles in (he was in the front of the hospital and my husband would bring me down in a wheelchair to visit him). I wasn't really allowed to leave the ward so the 2 visits I had with the dog were to be quick and we had to know what to do in the event that my water broke while I was outside. I was allowed to use the washroom, take a shower, and occasionally fill up my water bottle in the kitchen but overall I needed to lay in bed. They had explained to me that my lining was also very thin so the worry was that weight of the baby would cause my water to break, and since we were trying to keep the baby in there for as long as possible I had to keep pressure off of my cervix. At each nurse's shift change I was asked what to do in the event that my water broke, it was my mantra for the time I was there "ass in the air, face down, call for help, and get to Labour and Delivery asap!". As amusing as it was, it was also scary as hell!! I would get anxiety going for a shower worrying that my water could break at any second! For anyone on bed rest, Netflix will be your best friend! I watched so many different TV series and movies, it was great to pass the time and keep my mind occupied, although I was only really half watching most of the time. I also was crocheting different projects for our baby.

Although I knew we were at the best hospital, and that they deal with preterm babies everyday (so much so that the joke when I came in was that we were considered full term for them at 30 weeks), I was incredibly worried about our baby. I wanted to hang on as long possible to give our little peanut the best chance possible but I also wanted the baby out right away because I feared that the longer we held on the more risk I was putting the baby in. With the baby being a footling breech there were increased risk factors if were a vaginal birth, such as the cord wrapping around the baby's neck. At 12am, the evening on my 33rd week my water broke, it was not the scary 'rush to L&D' I had imagined so I was grateful for that! I had gone in for my routine stress test (I had to go twice a day during my stay to monitor any possible contractions), returned to my room at 11pm. Just after midnight I had woken to use the washroom and noticed a little bit of bleeding. The nurse sent me back to labour and delivery for monitoring and they told me that they could not see any reason for the bleeding and I had no signs of contractions. They told me they would keep me for a couple of hours and then send me back to the ward if nothing changed. At just after 2am that change happened! My water broke, it actually broke higher up so it was a trickle as opposed to a gush, so even though I had to go for an emergency c-section we had a bit of time to get prepared. I called my husband and told him that tonight was the night we were going to have a baby. He asked if I wanted him to come down (he had been staying with his sister who lived a short distance away), to which I said that would be a good idea. It was quite humorous having that discussion with a half asleep person. It was scary as hell but also exciting to finally find out what the sex of our baby was and meet him or her! My husband nearly passed out while we were waiting for all of the preparations to be made. I think the adrenaline of everything happening and his only have had a couple hours of sleep had gotten to him. While the Anesthesiologist was talking to us he got very pale and declared he wasn't feeling well. The nurses called for help and people were running from everywhere and then they were declaring 'it's the dad, it's the dad'. It was actually too funny, poor guy! They gave him some juice and he sat on the floor and soon he was back to himself. In my head I was cursing him though, thinking he needed to be there for me and the baby and that we couldn't deal with this, but outwardly I was telling him to take it easy and if he needed to sit outside of the OR then I understood completely and to not have any guilt about it. Thankfully he didn't need to do that and recuperated.

I will share that I had a horrible epidural experience! It took a very long time for the anesthesiologist to get the epidural in, we had to break a couple of times and at one point the Resident Dr. I had been dealing with said that another option was that they could put me out, which I was almost ready to accept! But, we plowed through and got it done, unfortunately with a considerable amount of pain. Once my husband was allowed in the room things were better. Not to mention that the epidural had kicked in so I could no longer feel the pain. I had told the nurses that I wanted my husband to tell me the sex of the baby and they respected our wishes. The nurse on our side of the curtain looked at the baby and then whispered in my husband's ear and then he told me IT'S A BOY!!! I didn't get to see the baby because they took him right over to the table to do his measurements and assess him and since he was a preemie they had to whisk him away to hook him up to the CPAP and get him some breathing assistance. His nurse lifted him up for me, from the other side of the room, so that I could at least see him, and my husband had shown me some pictures that he had taken since he had been able to see him while he was being assessed. I thought that it was actually pretty cool that they even let him cut the umbilical cord.

It was a few hours later that I was able to see our little guy for the first time. My heart melted! It was really hard seeing him in the incubator though, all hooked up to the CPap with other tubes everywhere. At that time we had not had an update as to how he was doing other than he hadn't required oxygen, just the Cpap for the time being. He was on a tube for feedings for babies do not learn how to breathe, suck, and swallow until around 35/36 weeks gestation, which was very interesting to learn. A day after he was born he also became jaundiced so he needed to be under the bilirubin lights for a couple of days. They had tried him off of the Cpap but he was working too hard on breathing so they put him back on. On our 5th day in the NICU we got fantastic news, our baby boy was doing so well he was going to be transferred to a level 2 NICU closer to home, this meant he didn't need all the bells and whistles of a level 1 NICU. He would remain in the hospital for monitoring due to being on caffeine to stimulate his breathing (we joked that he was already a coffee addict and he was getting his daily espresso shot). Before he was transferred to the new hospital they were able to take him off of the Cpap and he remained off and he didn't require the bilirubin lights any longer. I was quite emotional with the transfer. I was soo happy that he would be closer to home and that I could finally be back in my own bed after a month however, leaving him in the hospital to go home was harder than I thought it would be. I had a few melt downs and felt so guilty for leaving him. People tried to be supportive and told me to rest and relax as much as possible while he wasn't home, but that wasn't really helpful for me. After all we had been through I wanted nothing more than to be with my baby. I wanted the new baby snuggles and cuddles and I just wanted him to be home with us. Also, I was pumping every 3 hours to try and stimulate my milk production so I was only getting 2 1/2 hours of rest in between pumping sessions, not much relaxing going on there. When he turned exactly 35 weeks gestation he latched on the breast which was a wonderful feeling! I hadn't been able to pump much those first couple weeks so we were hopeful that once he started latching my milk production would start to pick up. He also started taking a bottle well and feeds got better and better. We were initially told to expect him to be in the hospital until his due date, then we were told 37 weeks corrected due to the caffeine, they would not stop it until 36 weeks and then he needed a week of monitoring. Well, they stopped the caffeine at 35 weeks which meant we got to go home a week earlier than expected! The whole time I just kept thinking that he truly was our strong little man! He had done so well and continued to prosper regardless of being evicted from my body early. As emotional as everything was he was doing well and did not have any major health issues.

My milk never did come in. I tired pumping, feeding, medications, foods, supplements, you name it I tried it. I was told that having a premature baby, a c-section, and exclusively pumping all could impact milk production and I had all 3 going against me. I gave it a good run and tried for nearly 3 months before I finally gave up. Since we were feeding him every 3 hours I was only getting an hour to myself, if that, by the time I did everything. I was starting to resent the process and him and I didn't want that, so we made the decision to exclusively formula feed him. I would joke that my body didn't want to get pregnant, then it didn't want to stay pregnant, and then it didn't want to feed our child, so what more should I expect. However, deep down I was sad. I am truly blessed with this beautiful, perfect baby that we have, but I missed out on the third trimester of my pregnancy. I missed out on maternity pictures. Although I had been breastfeeding him I felt that as though I missed out on the true experience because I wasn't able to give him what he needed. I was angry with my body for failing me over and over. It's a grieving process and I definitely went through it. Having said that though, I would do it all over again! I love being a mom, I love seeing his smile and hearing his coos. I love being able to calm him after he has been crying. I love the cuddles while he is sleeping because he won't sleep in his crib. I love it all. It was super scary, stressful, and emotional, but I love the outcome that we have. We now know that I have this problem and my next pregnancy will be closely monitored by a high risk team, and yes, I am already envisioning my next pregnancy. We have 5 embryos frozen and have every intention of trying again! We have had people ask if we'd 'stop' after all of this and my answer is 'hell no!' I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids, and with age and the financial means to pay for the embryo transfers that may not be in the cards for us, but we will try again and see what happens!

Monday, 4 January 2016

Will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy?

So for the first four days I was soo excited about this pregnancy. Planned the nursery and envisioning the babies out in the world with us, but then the fears started to kick in. Could this really be happening? What if something goes wrong? I have chosen to remain on the Paleo diet because I felt that it had helped us thus far and it was recommended that I continue with it by a Midwife, but what if it wasn't enough?

The real fears didn't kick in until Christmas Day. We had traveled to my in-laws for Christmas. We did the trip in two days because I had to work until 5pm on Christmas Eve, which got us to their house Christmas Day. Everything was seeming fine until I got to their house and used the washroom. There was a some dark blood, more than spotting but less than a full period. This worried me because not 2 1/2 hours earlier I had gone to the washroom and there was nothing. Also, I was bleeding more when I wiped. I couldn't stop crying because I was so worried that we were miscarrying and I knew if I didn't get it checked out it would ruin our whole day. My in laws had put their Christmas morning on hold for us but we had to hold off for a little while longer because we decided to go to the hospital.

Now, note to self, do not go to a small town hospital in the middle of nowhere, on Christmas Day. They had an ultrasound technician on call but she didn't want to go in unless there was a bigger emergency because at 5 weeks there was a chance that you may not be able to see anything anyways. I understand this completely and know that at such an early stage there is not much that could be done but let me tell you, the Dr. could have found some more compassionate ways to say that, or even just suggest that we monitor the situation and to come back if it gets worse. Instead I get 'well if you are miscarrying there isn't a whole lot we can do for you anyways', and 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again'. Gee thanks Doc who has my IVF history in your hands and who can visibly see me crying out of fear and worry. I do have to say though that the nurse we met was wonderful, very compassionate and empathetic, so that made it a little better.

We decided to go home (back to my in-laws) and just wait things out and hope for the best. I had also emailed my midwives (prior to going to the hospital but after not hearing back we decided to go in for peace of mind), and she responded telling me what to watch out for in case of a miscarriage. I was grateful for the detail because then I knew what to watch out for. She provided much more detail than the hospital and put my mind to ease a bit, which is what I needed to be able to continue on with my day. I kept telling myself that maybe I was just overreacting and that everything was going to be okay. A mantra that got me through the next few days.

My in-laws were great. They encouraged me to rest as much as possible and we were able to enjoy our Christmas visit. I continued to bleed but this time it was more of a spotting than a heavy bleed, although I did notice the more activity I did the more there was. For instance I had gone to the store with my sister in laws and noticed there was more bleeding when I returned.

I made my husband drive the longer way home because I had myself convinced that the gravel road that we were on for about an hour, the last part of our drive, had contributed to the bleeding. I didn't want to risk that again and therefore I wanted to avoid that road at all costs! Thankfully we decided to take the trip in two days again so we weren't in a rush to get the hotel and could go the longer way.

I decided to follow up with the clinic to see if they would get me in sooner for an ultrasound or whether they felt I didn't have anything to worry about. Thankfully they scheduled me for an ultrasound the day after we returned. We have one baby on board and the nurse shared that they detected a heartbeat and that everything was looking good! She suggested that I rest, especially if I start spotting again and they booked me in for a follow up ultrasound to make sure everything is continuing to go well.

I felt reassured since having had the ultrasound and knowing that we have a little bean hanging on in there. I am also happier that as I write this I am now three days without spotting and can only hope that I don't experience that again! But I am still scared. I am still worried that anything can happen at any time and we may not be able to take this little bean home. I feel like I have something overshadowing us and our happiness, a metaphorical ball that can drop at any moment. Through discussions with other ladies who have also struggled I think these feelings are normal. For someone who has had multiple losses or struggled for a long time the fear and anxiety is more heightened. The thought of miscarrying after three and half years, two IVFs and an FET, not to mention the other treatments and tests, is devastating! The thought that it may take us that long to conceive again, if it ever does happen. Well, you get the idea. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts going on.

I know I can't allow myself to get caught in the fear and anxieties and I have to try and enjoy as much of this experience as I can. We have already started looking at baby furniture and strollers and doing what any newly expectant parents would do even though we have this shadow over our heads. We will try to embrace each moment as it comes because we know that it can be taken from us at any moment.

I will try to update my blog now and then with updates on my pregnancy and the baby because I want to be contentious of the many people on my social media sites that are currently struggling. I may share things here and there but I don't want to overload people with updates.

Results are In

*Trigger warning for those currently struggling with infertility.*

December 18, 2015. A day like any other day, except it wasn't any other day. It was the day that we were going to find out whether or not our second IVF attempt worked or failed. I didn't know what to think. Part of me didn't have any hope because, well every other treatment we've done hadn't worked, so why should this one, but then there was another part of me that really felt that this could be our time. Every other treatment cycle I had started to spot a day or two before the beta. I had always told myself that it hadn't meant anything, but it always did, failure. This time, I hadn't experienced any of that.

I was soo emotional driving to the clinic and then in to work. I was talking to the little embryos inside me telling them all about the life they would have if only they would give us a chance. I was crying off and on, so hopeful that it worked, and so fearful that it didn't. The few hours that I had to wait until I received the call with the news was going to be the longest ever!

It was 1:06pm when the clinic called. I didn't know if I should answer the call or if I should let it go to VM and then wait until I got home and listened to it with my husband. My answer came when the phone rang, I couldn't wait another several hours to know the results, so I answered it. The nurse said 'Congratulations, you're pregnant!'. My 1st beta level was 265. I couldn't believe it! I started crying out of joy!

The first call I made was to my BFF. It was her birthday and she told me that all she wanted for us to be pregnant. It was so amazing being able to share that news for once. For nearly 3 1/2 years I heard about everyone else's BFP but it never happened to me, I only got to share sad news.

I had come out of my office, and due to the tears on my face and obvious elation, my co-workers were now aware of our good news and had asked if I had told my husband. No, I hadn't, because I just couldn't imagine sharing that news with him over the phone. I wanted to be there to see his reaction and share that moment with him. So my coworkers encouraged me to leave and go home and celebrate with my husband.

On my way home I stopped by a store and picked up a Willow Tree Ornament that was a 'New Dad'. I had it wrapped and brought it home. I walked in the door and he asked me right away why I was home early. I told him that I couldn't stop crying so I wanted to come home and then I told him that I got him a gift, which I wanted him to open. Of course he wasn't interested in the gift and kept asking me questions, he asked if the results were negative and I nodded my head (which he hated me for but it was worth the surprise!). He turned and gave me a hug and then I told him to open his gift because 'everyone needs a little pick me up'. He opened up the gift, looked at me and said 'you're shitting me?'. I started crying again and nodded my head yes ... We were going to be parents! Finally!! It was wonderful to be able to share that moment with him. We called our immediate families to share the news and hubby was fine with sharing our news with extended family and friends but he wanted to wait until after our second beta just make sure that it was a viable pregnancy.

December 20, 2015 we went for our second beta and were soo elated when the nurse called to tell us that our levels rose to 525, just shy of doubling. So our announcement went out! Now, in all truthfulness the dog is not as excited about this as we are but we are hoping he will grow to love this baby as much as we already do.

More Tests and IVF #2

So it has been awhile since I last posted. I had thought about it many times, even had some posts outlined in my head, but of course as time went on I just never got down to it.

A lot has gone on in the past few months we did a bunch of testing, I changed my diet and we moved forward with our 2nd IVF. Let me start at the beginning though ...

As I mentioned in my previous post I was going to go for an MRI and a Hysteroscopy/biopsy of my uterus. Frustratingly both of those tests came back negative. All that was found on the MRI was that I had developed a cyst, so I had to go for another ultrasound to ensure that it had gone away on its own. So from there we moved forward with the Immune Testing. The results were interesting, it showed that my levels were abnormal however, they were on the low side and they only treat it if they are on the high side. I was feeling defeated because yet again we didn't have any answers. Everything was coming back negative or normal (or abnormal and not treatable) but I knew that my body wasn't normal because we had yet to get pregnant! I had started looking up different options such as adoption and surrogacy because at this point I thought that our chances of getting pregnant were slim. I could not shake this feeling that it was just not going to happen for us but I was prepared to move forward regardless.

I kept up the Paleo diet and from late July to October I lost about 20-25 pounds. I also had noticed an overall improvement in my chronic pain, so that was a bonus as well! There were a few weeks of stress with the testing and not getting results back in time (it took about 3 - 4 weeks to get the Immune Results back and it was only supposed to take a week), so I had several cheats here an there between October and November.

During this waiting time the Provincial Government announced that they will be adding funding for another 5,000 individuals/couples to receive IVF starting in December 2015. Although we were super excited about this and feel that the program is going to be essential for many couples, we didn't want to wait before we moved forward. I had fears that, like every new program, there were going to be bumps along the road and I didn't want to have to wait any longer than we already had to move forward. The clinic didn't have any information and there were no guidelines in place how the clinics were supposed to manage the wait lists so that added to the apprehension. We also felt that if this attempt failed then we always had the funding to fall back on. So with support from family and friends we moved forward with our second IVF at the end of November.

As soon as we made the decision to proceed I made sure to go back on my diet 100%. I didn't want anything to jeopardize this cycle and wanted to do everything I could to make it as successful as possible. I continued to see my Naturopath and we planned to do Acupuncture to increase the blood flow to the uterus. I went a week before retrieval and then the plan was to go back the day before, day of, and the day after transfer. My Fertility Dr. had requested that I start taking Vitamin D 4,000IUs, and Vitamin E 400IUs on top of the stimming medications which he had also increased the dose of. The first few days on the medications (gonal-f) I was sick. I had nausea, a massive headache, upset stomach, and overall just felt like crap. After a slight adjustment of the meds the side effects dissipated and I started to feel better.

I was also was seeing a counselor, mainly to assist with other stressors in my life but it had been good timing when the cycle started. The one comment that he made which I thought was very interesting - considering the number one comment those dealing with infertility is 'relax' - was that I was an emotional mess when talking about my other stressors however, when going through the cycle and preparing for the retrieval I was quite calm, centered and cheery. He noted this and felt that since IVF was a super stressful experience he was expecting more of an emotional roller coaster from me. It was an emotional roller coaster, and the early mornings to the clinic and waiting to get the call to go in for the retrieval was anxiety provoking, but I it was manageable. I was actually dealing with my infertility better than I was dealing with other crap in my life.

December 3, 2015 we went in for our retrieval. Got my lucky socks, cute little penguins, and just hoped for the best. Well, we got the best news! Out of the 10 eggs they retrieved this time, ALL 10 fertilized!! Our first IVF we only had 5 that fertilized. We anxiously waited for updates and I called in a couple times to check on them and each time all 10 were still growing. It was absolutely amazing news!!.

December 8, 2015 we returned to the clinic for our 5 Day transfer. We also got an update as to how our little embryos were doing - out of the 10 we had, 7 of them made it to day 5! In fact all 10 were still growing as of the day before and unfortunately 3 had stopped growing overnight. We were floored with that news!! Out of the 5 fertilized for our first IVF we only had 3 that made it to day 5 so we had more than a 50% increase!! Our Dr. decided to transfer two embryos again since we had more than 5 and due to the fact that we have not had good luck in the past with the transfers being successful. I told him that I wasn't going to argue with him this time and would take his recommendation, which he just laughed at. Maybe those lucky socks were working after all!! Hubby made sure I wore them to the transfer as well :)

Now, a funny story about the first night the embabies were settling in, a little TMI but you should be used to that with my blogs by now! Just before going in for the transfer I was suffering with some bad constipation. I had gotten myself so worried that the transfer was going to be cancelled because of it. Thankfully it wasn't, and my nurse suggested a couple different things to help things along, such as prune juice, eating dates, and taking sennokot or docusate sodium. Now, what I would NOT recommend to anyone is taking all that advice in one day. Let's just say that it worked and it was not a pretty scene at all! I again was worried that I had jeopardized the embryos and started worrying that this IVF was going to fail because of my 'incident' (as it is being called in my support group). So we strapped in and continued the dreaded two week wait.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Sometimes Comments Hurt.

So it’s been awhile since my last blog post a lot has gone on, but not all related to our fertility journey.

In May we moved forward with our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and unfortunately this failed as well. To be honest I was actually expecting this since we hadn’t had any success thus far. It was also a way I could protect myself. I had gotten my hopes up so high for our IVF, actually felt it had worked. The failure was too much for me, so I had to stay impartial this time in order to protect my mental health. Funnily enough my Naturopathic Dr. actually supported this, for I wasn’t on an emotional roller coaster, I was more regulated, which is a lot better for the body! My feeling that it wasn’t going to work did soften the blow a bit, but the devastation was still there. We just couldn’t understand why, what keeps going wrong and why we haven’t had any success yet?

I wrote on my personal Facebook page about the continual disappointments and then I had someone private message me, saying that they knew a couple people that tried to get pregnant and were unsuccessful until they went on vacation and then found themselves pregnant due to being in complete ‘relaxation mode’… Ugh! These kind of messages truly irritate me! I know people mean well but this shows me that they have never read any of the information I have posted (and trust me, I post a lot!) … ‘relaxation’ is not a cure for infertility, it just helps people cope with it. Through our three years of struggling we have paid close to $15,000 on medical procedures to assist us with getting pregnant and we work closely with a medical Dr., a specialist in this field, but please go on about how a vacation (which we can no longer afford), will help our situation. Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people just saying ‘I am sorry for what you are going through’, or ‘that’s shitty’… I am not looking for anyone to solve my problems by venting, I am looking for support. I am looking for an outlet so that I can keep my own sanity and not fall into a further depression. I need to release my emotions, I need to talk, and honestly I find my sharing and venting to be very therapeutic for me, for it takes it off my mind even if only for a short time.

My cousin got married, which was super exciting!! While at a BBQ at my Aunt’s the day after the wedding one of my Uncle’s kept asking the bride and groom when they would start popping out babies. I said nothing, although I wanted to scream at him to shut up. The next morning I told my parents how I felt people needed to stop saying things like that because they don’t know what the couple’s situation was like. They may have already started trying, or may know that they have medical conditions which could make it challenging. There was a little defensiveness from them. They told me that people don’t mean anything by the comments and therefore I shouldn’t educate everyone, I should just let it go. My dad told me that people will never get it and that it was pointless for me to try to educate them. He then looked at me and said that he has heard that if people ‘relax’, he’s heard it can help with fertility. I was flabbergasted when he said this. My own father. Obviously never having read any educational materials I posted nor any of my blog posts. I asked him if he had read my blog and he told me he hadn’t. We have been struggling to conceive for 3 years, I have poured my heart out to my parents about my thoughts and feelings and written several blog posts going into more depth and this was the ‘support’ I was getting? ”Don’t bother educating people and ‘relax’”. I just got up and went up to my room and started crying. I was so hurt not only by his comments, but his lack of consideration for my feelings. I get that my parents are from a different time and that they couldn’t possibly understand what I am going through, but you always have this idea that they would support you no matter what and do whatever they could to understand what you are going through. Now, I know that my dad was not intentionally trying to be inconsiderate of my feelings and he definitely was not trying to hurt my feelings, he is not that kind of man, but it is because of reasons just as this, that I am a STRONG advocate for speaking up and educating. People don’t mean to be hurtful or inconsiderate but they are. I feel it is important to educate people about what you are going through and what you find helpful and supportive so that they can be more considerate and helpful to the next person they encounter dealing with a similar problem. When I was sharing these feelings to a friend of mine she brought up a good point, one that I also shared but hadn't been able to voice. Why do I have to be protective, or learn to be sensitive to other's feelings but they don't have to be protective or learn to be sensitive to mine?

We moved at the end of June/beginning of July. The move itself was a good thing! Due to my chronic pain issues I was struggling with stairs and we felt that being in a bungalow would be better, especially when we did have kids. We spent time painting and getting the house ready before moving our belongings in, it was long and exhausting, but I what I hadn’t anticipated was the wave of sorrow I would also feel. There were several times that I had the urge to cry because I kept thinking about the empty bedroom we would have. When we first purchased this home in January I was so hopeful that when we moved in we would be painting a nursery as well, but of course this was not the case. It was hard, and since our in laws were down I kept the emotions hidden and just tried to push myself in other ways in order to keep myself busy. It didn’t help that a few days after we moved I got my period, which was painful as hell!!! Ever since the IVF and FET failed I have had tremendous cramps which have landed me in bed with a heating pad and feeling nauseous. This day was no different and it took a few hours for me to start feeling like I could move again. We spent the day running some errands and then that night we went out for dinner since it was my in-laws last day with us. With the luck I have, of course the table next to us had an infant who wouldn’t stop fussing and crying. Normally I just shut it out and pretend it’s not there, focusing on the people I am with. I put up a hard shell, not to be a cold hearted bitch who hates kids, but to protect myself from crying. But it was more challenging this time because my in-laws kept coo-ing the baby and giving us a play by play of what the issues were ‘it was too hot’, or ‘it’s playing’. More and more it was getting harder and harder to see/hear. Part of me felt the pang that my in-laws wanted a grandchild and I could not give them that, and another was the pang that my ovaries were screaming in pain and I just wanted to ignore the kid and I wasn’t able to. I know it wasn’t intentional but it affected me so much that I first cried in the washroom and then again at the table. I buried my head in my tea, not saying a word and just hoped that we would be leaving soon. How could I tell my in-laws to stop talking about the kid at the next table, or smiling at him? As much as it hurt, I know that would have been worse …

I am not bringing up these experiences to point fingers and say ‘you hurt me’, I am bringing them up because they happen so frequently, not just to me, but to all of us struggling with infertility (really struggling with anything). We all cry ourselves to sleep and ache daily. The problem is though, we are told to ignore it and just ‘let it go’, but I don’t feel that is fair. People want us to be happy and healthy and yet we cannot say when something is hurting us. How are we to move on and heal when we are constantly bombarded with what is hurting us and we are not allowed to talk about it? Seems a little hypocritical to me. So, as much as I know this post is not going to be well received, I know it is a necessity. So often I see in support groups someone venting about what a family member, coworker, or friend said and how hurt or irritated they were by the comment. That is usually followed by a slew of comments with similar stories and irritants which is also followed by people saying how they are unable to express those emotions. They are unable to, even politely, share why the comment was hurtful to them. There are a few ladies who say that the comments don't bother them, or it does, but they just let it go, and honestly, I think that is great! But not everyone is able to do that unfortunately, and that is why education is so key! It is not to make the person feel bad for doing things 'wrong', it is about making them feel as though they are doing their best to support their loved one, by reading about what helps and hearing from that person directly.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Of course after the failure of our IVF and FET we've been thinking a lot about what our options are and where to go from here. It's so hard not knowing what are 'problem' is!

I followed up with my Family Dr. regarding my thyroid, I do not have any abnormalities, and the Synthroid medication has brought my levels down to 2.6 so at this point everything seems fine. My adrenals and liver is being treated with supplements from my Naturopathic Dr. and both had suggested a diet to keep my thyroid levels down as well as well to treat my adrenals overall.

My Family Dr. had suggested a Mediterranean diet to follow and after a lot of research I decided that the best diet for me would be the Paleo. The Mediterranean diet has soy, which is actually not good for fertility and due to my fibromyalgia, trying to support my thyroid, and the infertility I felt the Paleo addressed all those issues. So far one week down and other than breaking out with acne due to the dietary change, it's been going well! The key for me is going to be making sure I am prepared ahead of time and can have different things and not eat the same thing over and over.

Yesterday we met with our Fertility Dr. for a follow up to discuss our failures and the next steps. I can honestly say that I felt encouraged after leaving that appointment! We had a new diagnosis, well still unexplained and more to investigate, but we had something to go on. We have what is called Recurrent Implantation Failure. According to the Reproductive BioMedicine Online Journal this is defined as "failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after transfer of at least four good-quality embryos in a minimum of three fresh or frozen cycles in a woman under the age of 40 years". Our Dr. did point out that technically we fell short by one cycle however, due to our trying to conceive now for three years and we have not had one positive pregnancy test, he felt it was appropriate for us and he would rather move forward with more testing than to rush into another IVF cycle just to fit the criteria completely. He stated that we knew we could get embryos, good-quality ones. So right now our troubles have been after that point and with implantation.

So our plan now is to have an MRI done of my Uterus to check for Adenomyosis. This is similar to Endometriosis but instead the endometrial tissue exists and grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. I will also be going for a Hysteroscopy and Biopsy to check the lining of my uterus. If these tests come back clear then we can move on to some Immune Issue testing. There are some tests that are being done in the United States (where all the tests would go to for processing) that checks to see if there is an issue with the NK (Natural Killer) cells. In a nutshell "NK cells are immune system cells that normally help the body fight infections... NK cells may be attacking the fetus as an invader." (from: Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in the UK). This particular testing is still in the early stages and people are only just becoming more aware of the role that the Immune System is playing in Fertility.

I am hopeful that some of these tests are going to show something, but like I've said before there is a part of me that doesn't believe it because we haven't had any answers yet ...

Here's to Moving Forward!!

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Monday, 18 May 2015

What I Wish People Told Me Before Undergoing Infertility Treatment

There is a lot involved in the investigative and treatment cycles for Infertility and it is really hard to get all of that information out there in order for people to be truly prepared for what they are getting in to. I feel that I am pretty detailed in depicting what is involved however, there is still a lot that I haven't said which I wish someone had warned me about prior to getting starting, so here is my list of what I wish I knew:

1. Say goodbye to your privacy.

You will be poked, prodded, and invaded in ways currently unimaginable. Majority of the clinic visits will involve internal ultrasounds (really all of them unless you are just going in for blood work). You are given a nice little paper blanket for modesty however, half the time that blanket gets ripped once you start moving around (or maybe that just happens to me! lol). I had one appointment where the technician walked in on me while I was still getting undressed (and I am pretty quick!). She just stood with the door open and I felt like saying, 'well you are going to see it in a moment, so you may as well come in', but then she closed the door and gave me 'privacy' to sit on the table. I had another appointment where there was a trainer in the room because the clinic got new ultrasound machines, so they were being taught how to use it. Whatever, the more the merrier right?? There are technicians/Dr.'s/nurses for each procedure and the number of people who have seen you naked from the waist down will grow. So if you are a shy/modest person, I promise you, you will get over that quickly.

2. You will experience jealously towards pregnant women, and it's OK!

For the first year we started trying I would hope and hope that with every pregnancy announcement I heard, our time would soon follow. As the months went by and the disappointments piled up I started to feel really sad with every new announcement. I no longer felt that we were soon to follow and therefore I had the pang of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. Why wasn't this happening for us?? As we moved on to the fertility treatments and continued to have failure after failure my jealousy grew as well. Why are other couples able to get pregnant for free and we have to pay thousands of dollars out of pocket, just for a chance? I dread pregnancy announcements now, because they constantly remind me of our failures and our struggles. I am truly happy for my friends and family that get pregnant, but the pain I feel for our situation is always there. I want my friends and family to tell me when they are pregnant, I would never ask them to hide their happiness because of my sadness. However, I would prefer it to be done over email or text message so that I can sit with my jealousy and pain and process the emotions first. I have also learned that these feelings fluctuate over the course of a month, or even a cycle. There are days when there may not be any jealousy at all, and others where it is soo overwhelming that you just need a break, which leads into #3.

3. Do what is right for you!

There is so much guilt involved when you are struggling with infertility. Guilt about what your body can and cannot do and guilt about the emotions you are experiencing. We expect ourselves to be perfect human beings and not let anything affect us and that is just nonsense that makes us feel even guiltier when we do have a bad day! If you are invited to a birthday party or a baby shower and you are feeling so vulnerable that you are not sure if you can make it through, then don't go! Give yourself permission to pass on parties/events without feeling the guilt about it. I have passed on a friend's baby shower because I knew I would be sad the whole time and would not enjoy myself. As happy as I was for her I knew there was a potential that I could ruin her party, because I am not the greatest at hiding my emotions. I would either have been sad or crying through the whole thing and therefore I didn't want her to worry about me. I felt that it would have been worse for me to go and ruin her party, than politely passing and allowing her to enjoy the day with people who were better able to celebrate. I did feel guilty, it is a natural human response, but I reminded myself that although I was protecting myself first and foremost, I was also looking out for my friend. Bottom line is do what you feel is right for you. If you feel you can attend that party, then go, but if you feel that it is not the right time for you, then don't force yourself. Be okay, with not being okay.

4. Find a good social network.

When I first embarked on this journey I went looking for a good support network. I didn't really know anyone that had gone through infertility personally, and although my family and friends tried to be supportive, I felt that they just weren't getting it. I joined a group on Facebook and initially felt that it was meeting my needs however over time I recognized that it wasn't. This particular group had a significant number of members and there always seemed to be some sort of conflict. Now, I only mention this because for me, the biggest issue I had with this group was comments made to people who needed to vent about insensitive comments they received or that 'yet another pregnancy announcement' that made them sad. The main reason I wanted to join a support group was to be able to vent. I wanted a safe place to express and release my emotions so I didn't snap about my friends and family. I felt who better to express these feelings to than a group of women going through the same thing. Ya, I was wrong on that front! There were others who needed the same level of support as I did however, there were some who made you feel like crap for your jealousy and anger. You were attacked (or felt as though you were) if you didn't just suck it up and accept the insensitive comments. I joined the group so I could suck up those insensitive comment in front of the person who said it, but then complain about it afterwards because it was hurtful. I wanted a place to be able to release those emotions so that they didn't get pent up. I found that I was getting more and more triggered and angry at the responses to people looking for that support, that I had to leave the group. We are all different and handle things different. Some are in a more negative space, or are still so new in this journey that they are in the midst of their grief and they need that level of support. Others have moved through their emotions and are in a more positive space. Both are normal, and both should be respected just the same. Since I left that group I have relied more on my friends and the friends I have met. I have been more honest about what works for me and what doesn't and I realize that having a small network that is meaningful to me is more important to my overall health. I did join another group but I try to use that more for informational purposes and support through the treatment than venting. It is very important to find what kind of support works best for you because you are going to need all the support that you can get! If you find you have some support that doesn't work for you, try to find something that does.

5. You will question EVERYTHING!

Every symptom you experience you will question. What does it mean? Is it a pregnancy symptom? Is it normal? Should I be concerned? Starting the medications for the IUI and IVF I started to freak out that I had done something wrong. Did I lose too much of the medication when trying to get out the air bubble? Did I inject it right? I watched the videos over and over and although I 'knew' what I was doing, I questioned it all, and I questioned it each and every time, and with every new medication. It is a never ending cycle. Even results from the Dr. are questioned. We are still unexplained infertility and with each failing cycle I question what has been missed. Is there something that we should be doing that is not being done? The list goes on and on. This is normal. In a situation where you have no control it is hard to not question everything, or google every last symptom. The key would be to find the balance and rely on your support network for reassurance. If you have to go back to your Dr. and ask more questions or even seek a second opinion, then do that as well! You need to feel as though you are on the right track.

6. There will be body fluids.

When we did our IUIs I could feel a 'leakage' when the nurse removed the speculum after the procedure. I initially thought it was the sperm leaking out however the nurse assured me it wasn't and told me that it was actually my own bodily fluids. This was super embarrassing!! I didn't however, imagine that it could get worse from there. For the IVF a semi full bladder is required. While the technician was pushing on my abdomen with the ultrasound machine, the only thing I could think of was 'don't pee on the Dr.'. I made a joke about trying not to pee on him and he laughed and said and if I did, I wouldn't have been the first and that it happens regularly. What?? Here I thought it was a joke, and now I was more worried than ever that it was going to happen to me!! Thankfully it didn't, but I will share it was pretty darn close, especially when the ultrasound technician continued to put pressure on my bladder. This just ties into #1, there are going to be very embarrassing things that happen and you will have bodily fluids released when you don't want it to, but it's all for a good cause. I keep trying to remind myself that if our treatments are successful (or even if not and we have to move on to adoption), it will be worth it. Just think, when a woman goes into labour her water typically breaks right? So we just have a head start on some those experiences.

Now, since there is so much involved with the treatments and infertility as a whole, I am sure there is more to this list, but I hope that this is a good start. If you are reading this because you yourself are experiencing infertility. I wish you nothing but the best. If you are reading this because you have a friend or family member suffering with infertility, then I hope I have been able to provide you with some insight so you will be better able to support them.

Guest Post: Infertility through my Husband's eyes.

With this being the Infertility Awareness week, I asked my husband if he would be willing to write a little something about what infertility means to him, or how he's been affected by it. He has written a beautiful and heartfelt post and I am very happy to be able to share this new perspective with you. Thank you hun for sharing your thoughts and feelings, I know that this was not the easiest task for you! <3
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If you had told me three years ago that we would still be trying to have our first kid, I'd have laughed at you. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty ignorant about the whole concept of infertility. Like most people, I figured getting pregnant was an easy thing. Sure, it may take a little time to get pregnant, but it shouldn't take too long, right?

One of the crazy things you learn when you're struggling with infertility is that it really doesn't care who you are. There's no particular thing that says "hey, you're going to have a difficult time". Visiting the clinics, it's amazing the diversity present. It affects everyone. The other thing that hits you in the clinics is how much everyone keeps to themselves, as if this is punishment for something they've done. I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, but even I find the atmosphere stifling. Nobody talks, everyone is on their phones (or, for the few, books) trying to ignore everyone else.

That's the thing about infertility. No one talks about it. No one wants to acknowledge it. The CDC even classifies it as a disease. Everybody talks around it, trying to avoid the subject. Yet it's a subject that needs to be talked about. 1 in 6 couples in Canada are affected by it. That's a large number of people, yet unless you know someone who's been willing to share, you don't really hear about it. I'm blessed with a wife who's completely unafraid to share. I feel she's doing a great job at educating people on it... including me at times.

When we started on this journey, I'll admit, I was ignorant. I made a bit of fun of the ovulation kits, scoffing at the idea that you need to track your cycle to that detail. Amazing how a few years of experience completely changes your perspective. As the male in infertility, I have it easy. I feel guilty a lot that Courtney has to drive to the clinic so many times during a cycle (those ovulation kits certainly seem a lot less funny now), especially since we live in a rural town and the clinics are all an hour away. When we first visited the infertility clinic, as odd as it sounds, I really wanted it to be something wrong with me - low sperm count, low motility, anything. I find it easier to deal with things that are happening to me than to Courtney. I often struggle with how to be supportive - mainly with what to say. I've never been good at offering verbal support, but I think I've gotten much better than what I used to be - or at least I say stupid things less often.

The other big thing I struggle with is grieving. It can be hard to understand, but each failure feels like a loss. While the many initial attempts (aided by drugs or not) and the two IUI's weren't too bad, the failure of our first IVF was very difficult. Even though you know the success rates and all the numbers, it's still really tough when it does end in failure. There is nothing quite like the feeling of the drop in your stomach when bad news arrives. I don't have a good mechanism for dealing with grief - I'm very good at just stuffing things aside, ignoring the feelings I don't like until they go away. It may not be the healthiest way, but it works for me. Dealing with grief is something everybody does different, and it took me a while to realize the difference between how Courtney and I deal with it, and that I have to be accepting of the way that she deals with it. It's still an ongoing process and the learning never stops.

But the biggest difficulty has been the not knowing. We are currently dealing with unexplained infertility. That means that all the tests that have been done have returned nothing as a source of the problem. There is nothing worse than not knowing. You just want answers. Unfortunately science isn't quite there yet. It's amazing the amount you do learn about human reproduction while you go through this experience. Some days I'm even amazed anyone gets pregnant given the amount of things that can go wrong (seriously, there are a lot). Someday science may get to the point where there is no more unexplained infertility (and maybe make it easier to determine what is wrong), but that's not too comforting when you're going through the process.

Overall, it's been a tough experience. We've grown as a couple over this experience but it hasn't been easy. And I still eagerly await the day that I will be able to hold our child in my arms.

Infertility Awareness Week

We are #1in6!

May 19 to 28 is Infertility Awareness week in Canada and this year's theme is to raise awareness by putting a face to the 1 in 6 couples in Canada that are affected by this disease.

So I have been sitting here thinking, what does infertility mean to me? What more can I do to educate people, aside from my overly detailed descriptions of what the procedures entail? Well I think I have it. I want to talk about the 'excitement' or lack thereof of going through fertility treatments.

I have heard from family and friends over and over how 'excited' they were for me that I was going to a fertility specialist and that I was undergoing this or that treatment. As time goes on I am finding that I am getting triggered and angry by these comments, at first I just thought I was being overly sensitive, but after our recent IVF failure I now understand why. Nothing about this process is exciting. The sheer fact that I have to go to a fertility specialist to help with trying to conceive a child is the furthest thing from exciting that there is. I am hopeful and eager that we will find answers and one day be successful, but the true excitement won't come until we get the confirmed pregnancy test.

Gearing up for the IVF retrieval I had been texting/messaging friends. They shared how excited they were for us that we were moving forward however, the only thing I could see was how scared I was. People keep telling me to think positively and focus on the good thing but how could I when I was scared about spending close to $11,000 on a chance to have a baby, no guarantees (all out of pocket due to no insurance coverage). I was scared that the clinic would not get enough eggs out of me to fertilize or that they wouldn't fertilize period. I was scared that they would't make it to the transfer day and we would't be able to move forward. I had so many fears but all anyone wanted to talk about was their excitement. I honestly wasn't excited at this stage. I was going to have a ridiculously long needle inserted inside of me to suck out what follicles I had. I was fearful of the pain (as well as everything else I already mentioned). I needed to stay positive but I also wanted to be able to talk about how stressful the whole experience was. At this very moment I couldn't even think about excitement. There was too much at stake and we had been at this for far too long. I understand that people view talking negatively as a 'bad' thing. An omen or a foretelling of what's to come. I don't believe in that all. We all need to vent when going through a stressful situation and I personally feel that not being able to express your fears or anger can cause more harm than not talking about it, but I don't have a medical degree in this so I will leave it at that.

Excitement did eventually come, after our embryos were transferred into me. I had the wave of emotions, thoughts of possibilities and new hopes for the future. I believed that I could actually be pregnant, that the treatments finally worked for us, and I was finally able to let the excitement in. But this was still a cautious excitement, the closer I got to our beta, the more I was fearful that it may not work. I was at work talking with some coworkers about the transfer and my one coworker was congratulating me and expressing how happy she was for me, as if I told her that I was pregnant. I know some people view themselves as being 'pregnant until proven otherwise' after a transfer however, I personally have a hard time with that. So when this coworker was expressing her congratulations I had to remind her (and me) that this was only the first step and that there was no guarantees (yet). I think my hesitancy stems from all of the disappointments we've endured and although I will act and hope and believe as much as possible that I am pregnant, I still will not accept it until I get that BFP beta (and at this point, maybe not even then).

I feel as though this whole experience has robbed us of the chance to be excited about a pregnancy anymore. I guess I can't really say that for sure, since we haven't had that experience yet, but when I think about pregnancy and what the future holds, I think of all of my fears. The fear of miscarrying before 12 weeks. The chance of complications in the pregnancy and losing it before the due date. Once you have experienced a loss whether it be through miscarriage, still birth, or infertility (the inability to conceive) it is hard to not imagine the worse outcomes and fears because that is what you've lived. When you have lived with something so profound it is hard not to be impacted significantly. A very close friend of mine lost her first son at 24 weeks in uterus. When she was expressing to me these exact feelings of not being able to truly be happy with her second pregnancy, and constantly worrying about losing it, I told her that she 'just had to try to be happy' and 'to look forward to the future and not in the past'. I know now how selfish and insensitive that was of me. She couldn't prepare the nursery a head of time and feel the same kind of joy as she did the first time around because she had experienced an unimaginable loss. Her experience robbed her of the ability to experience true happiness in a pregnancy again and while she was sharing those feelings with me I was not validating that and (perhaps) putting more guilt on her for not being able to. I wanted her to experience that happiness so much, and for her to be the person she was before her loss, that I selfishly did not allow her to talk about her fears. I know now, having gone through my experiences that she just needed to vent and I should have let her.

I know the friends and family that share their excitement for us mean well, and I truly appreciate all of their sentiments! I may say that I am not excited, or comment on how I am actually feeling in hopes to capture how truly crappy and scary this journey is. In fact everyone living with infertility go through different emotions and perhaps there are some people out there that are better able to be excited than I am. We each cope differently and that is why I always stress that these posts are merely from my perspective, So my hope for a take away message, for any family member or friend of someone living with infertility, is that you just be there for them. If they are expressing fears or pessimism, let them. You can still express that you have hopes for them and wish them all the best, while validating their feelings and their experiences at the same time. Just remember to them, the person living with infertility, there is not a lot that is exciting on this journey.

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For those who live close by please consider attending this event or even making a donation to IAAC!

Infertility Awareness 5 km Walk/Run

All ages are welcome!

This is a community awareness event

Bring your support system with you!

DATE: Sunday May 24th

TIME: 9am - walk/run begins

(Exhibitors, band, food and speeches to follow - event concludes at

12pm)

LOCATION: Burloak Waterfront Trail, 5475 Lakeshore East,

Burlington, ON (between Hampton Heath and Burloak Drive)

REGISTRATION: voluntary donation to Infertility Awareness

Association of Canada (IAAC)

DEADLINE: Must register before Friday May 22nd.

To register email Sarah Clark at sarah.clark@sesacoaching.ca or

call 289-681-7372.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

The Chaos that is IVF

So we started our IVF preparation on April 12, 2015. The process itself is fairly similar to the IUI expect I didn't have to take any oral medications because the gonal-f injections started right off the bat, and the blood work/ultrasound visits were more frequent.

I was started on 250IUs of gonal-f on CD 2 and then it was increased to 325IUs on CD 5, and then again to 375IUs on CD 11. The dose increases worried me. I questioned if my body was reacting appropriately to the medications and just frankly worried what it all meant. It's crazy that every little change makes you doubtful or scared through this process! On CD 8 I started a new medication called Orgalutran which is an LH suppressor to prevent me from ovulating on my own. This way the clinic can control ovulation, to ensure the follicles are growing well. I am just going to throw it out there that this was a very unpleasant injection! The directions in the box said to take it in the upper leg which was quite painful. It stung a bit while being administered and was very irritating for some time afterwards as well (I found out later that it can be given in the abdomen which can reduce the discomfort).

I got into the routine of giving the daily injections and going for the blood work and ultrasounds but then the anxiety started to kick in. Each day we continued on I was worried about what it went meant. Was my body not responding well to the medications?? When would we finally be able to trigger? Overall I feel I was just getting to a point of not being able to handle the injections any longer and I was very eager to at least known when we would go in for the retrieval. Thankfully I didn't have to sit with those emotions for too long because I finally got the call to trigger on CD 12, which meant that our retrieval would be on CD 14.

We stayed in a hotel the night before our retrieval

The fun part of the retrieval was being drugged up to help with the pain due to their having to use very long needle to get at the follicles. I was a little out of it and uncomfortable with the process so I was not really able to see/focus on what was going on. My husband however, was able to see the Dr. sucking the follicles through the needle on the ultrasound machine. It was apparently something cool and interesting to see, but I'll just take his word for it!! While I was getting cleaned up and escorted to the recovery room, they ushered my hubby into a little 'media' room in order for him to produce his specimen. Before we left we were told that his sperm looked good and that they had retrieved 10 eggs from me in total. Then we just had to wait to see how many would fertilize!! Our Dr. told us that he would use IVF (the old fashioned method of isolating the good sperm and introducing it to the eggs in the lab to allow for fertilization to occur naturally), and ICSI (a method where the inject a single healthy sperm into a single egg). The next morning we got the call from the Embryologist that 4 out of our 10 eggs fertilized!!

I hadn't heard anything in a couple of days so I decided to call the Embryologist, I was shocked when he shared that we had 5 embryos because just 2 days prior we only had 4! I guess we had a late bloomer fighting its way to make it! Our transfer was scheduled for 5 days past our retrieval (otherwise known as a 5 day transfer (5dt)). My understanding is that a 5dt is best for this means the embryo has reached the blastocyst stage and therefore is considered the best quality. It is difficult for me to describe to you the feelings I had about our embryos. To me, they were already my babies and I was feeling very protective of them. I couldn't imagine leaving any of them behind and I envisioned transferring all of them at some point either now, or in the future. I was already a mother to these little precious cells.

On Wednesday April 29, 2015 we arrived at the clinic, eagerly awaiting to hear how our embryos were doing. Out of the 5 we had, only 3 made it through the blastocyst stage. Our Dr. wanted to transfer 1 good quality embryo however, after talking to him about my fears of it not being successful we decided to transfer 2. I just knew that if we only transferred 1 and we lost it I would have regretted not increasing our chances by implanting 2. We knew this increased our chances of having multiples and at this point we were okay with that thought, we just wanted something to finally work! I had waves of intense emotions after the transfer and at times felt as though I was going to cry for no reason at all. I was just so overwhelmed with everything!

Our embryos that we transferred

I had read about keeping your body and mind stress free after the transfer so I took the rest of the week off and just relaxed as much as possible. I watched a Netflix marathon of The Mindy Project (which is awesome by the way) to keep me laughing and in good spirits, and I crocheted to keep me active as well. I felt great! I was hopeful and happy and hubby and I were talking to our embryos daily. If love and hope alone could make embryos survive then we would have the happiest and healthiest 2 out there!! Crazy thoughts go through your head at this stage as well. The recommendation is to not do anything excessive, such as exercise or use your abdominal muscles too much. I skipped my yoga because I was afraid of going and pushing myself too much (even though it is a gentle course). I was also fearful of doing anything that would cause too much strain (bowel movements included ... but that is for another comedy show).

I went back for blood work 5 days after our transfer and it was indicated that my estrogen levels had started to drop so they started me on medication to support that, so I was on progesterone 3x a day and estrogen 2x a day. On the 6th day past the transfer I started spotting a little which really worried me for I also had cramping. When I started reading up on it, it really sounded like it could be implantation bleeding. I won't go into any gory details here but to say that over the next few days I continued to spot but more and more I was hopeful, because I really felt it was the implantation. We continued to talk to our embryos and we were both so filled with joy that this could actually be 'it' for us. We were planning for twins and just getting excited to have the beta confirm we were pregnant.

On May 9, 2015 we returned for our beta. We drove the hour and 15 minutes to the clinic just for blood work and then decided to head out afterwards, to shop for appliances for our new house to keep ourselves occupied. We were just heading in to a restaurant for lunch when I started to not feel 'off'. I went to the washroom and noticed that I was starting to bleed a little more. I told my hubby I wasn't up to staying any longer so we decided to just head home. I started to feel very scared and as though this meant that the IVF didn't work. On our drive home we got the call which confirmed my fears. Our beta was negative, the IVF failed. We both started crying. We went home and laid in bed for a couple hours just sitting with our tears and not sure what to do next. I tend to get distant when I am in pain and my hubby prefers to be comforted, so we were trying the best we could to meet each other's needs and comfort each other. We were both so numb because we were so hopeful and confident that this was going to work. I fluctuated with my emotions, going from being tearful to angry and I truly just wanted to break something, anything! I had this strong urge to take everything within my reach and just throw it everywhere because nothing mattered anymore (I didn't ... but I really wanted to).

Sometimes life just seems really unfair. No matter how much hope one puts out there or what they do to keep themselves calm a centered, ultimately, none of it is in our control. We have to do what we can to support our chances and keep ourselves healthy mentally, but it is not the answer to all of our problems. Things just don't always work out how we plan for them.

We have 1 embryo remaining which froze successfully, so we are going to move forward with our FET (frozen embryo transfer), but then if this doesn't work we will most likely hold off until the fall before resuming treatments again. Summer vacations will most likely impact things and we'll also need time to get finances in order. It cost us about $11,000 to do the IVF and it will cost another $1,800 to move forward with the FET. I am scared to move forward because there is not even a guarantee that the embryo is going to make the thawing process successfully. None of this is a guarantee and when you put so much on the line it is really scary! But, like I've said before, we'll keep moving forward because that is all we can do in order to acheive our goal. I know I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet, and I feel like I would want to do this a couple more times before I am ready to face the thought that it may be not meant to happen for us. I don't only want to be a parent, I want to experience pregnancy, and I will do whatever I can to make that happen!