The Chaos that is IVF

So we started our IVF preparation on April 12, 2015. The process itself is fairly similar to the IUI expect I didn't have to take any oral medications because the gonal-f injections started right off the bat, and the blood work/ultrasound visits were more frequent. 

I was started on 250IUs of gonal-f on CD 2 and then it was increased to 325IUs on CD 5, and then again to 375IUs on CD 11. The dose increases worried me. I questioned if my body was reacting appropriately to the medications and just frankly worried what it all meant. It's crazy that every little change makes you doubtful or scared through this process! On CD 8 I started a new medication called Orgalutran which is an LH suppressor to prevent me from ovulating on my own. This way the clinic can control ovulation, to ensure the follicles are growing well. I am just going to throw it out there that this was a very unpleasant injection! The directions in the box said to take it in the upper leg which was quite painful. It stung a bit while being administered and was very irritating for some time afterwards as well (I found out later that it can be given in the abdomen which can reduce the discomfort). 

I got into the routine of giving the daily injections and going for the blood work and ultrasounds but then the anxiety started to kick in. Each day we continued on I was worried about what it went meant. Was my body not responding well to the medications?? When would we finally be able to trigger? Overall I feel I was just getting to a point of not being able to handle the injections any longer and I was very eager to at least known when we would go in for the retrieval. Thankfully I didn't have to sit with those emotions for too long because I finally got the call to trigger on CD 12, which meant that our retrieval would be on CD 14.  

We stayed in a hotel the night before our retrieval

The fun part of the retrieval was being drugged up to help with the pain due to their having to use very long needle to get at the follicles. I was a little out of it and uncomfortable with the process so I was not really able to see/focus on what was going on. My husband however, was able to see the Dr. sucking the follicles through the needle on the ultrasound machine. It was apparently something cool and interesting to see, but I'll just take his word for it!! While I was getting cleaned up and escorted to the recovery room, they ushered my hubby into a little 'media' room in order for him to produce his specimen. Before we left we were told that his sperm looked good and that they had retrieved 10 eggs from me in total. Then we just had to wait to see how many would fertilize!! Our Dr. told us that he would use IVF (the old fashioned method of isolating the good sperm and introducing it to the eggs in the lab to allow for fertilization to occur naturally), and ICSI (a method where the inject a single healthy sperm into a single egg). The next morning we got the call from the Embryologist that 4 out of our 10 eggs fertilized!!

I hadn't heard anything in a couple of days so I decided to call the Embryologist, I was shocked when he shared that we had 5 embryos because just 2 days prior we only had 4! I guess we had a late bloomer fighting its way to make it! Our transfer was scheduled for 5 days past our retrieval (otherwise known as a 5 day transfer (5dt)). My understanding is that a 5dt is best for this means the embryo has reached the blastocyst stage and therefore is considered the best quality. It is difficult for me to describe to you the feelings I had about our embryos. To me, they were already my babies and I was feeling very protective of them. I couldn't imagine leaving any of them behind and I envisioned transferring all of them at some point either now, or in the future. I was already a mother to these little precious cells. 

On Wednesday April 29, 2015 we arrived at the clinic, eagerly awaiting to hear how our embryos were doing. Out of the 5 we had, only 3 made it through the blastocyst stage. Our Dr. wanted to transfer 1 good quality embryo however, after talking to him about my fears of it not being successful we decided to transfer 2. I just knew that if we only transferred 1 and we lost it I would have regretted not increasing our chances by implanting 2. We knew this increased our chances of having multiples and at this point we were okay with that thought, we just wanted something to finally work! I had waves of intense emotions after the transfer and at times felt as though I was going to cry for no reason at all. I was just so overwhelmed with everything! 

Our embryos that we transferred

I had read about keeping your body and mind stress free after the transfer so I took the rest of the week off and just relaxed as much as possible. I watched a Netflix marathon of The Mindy Project (which is awesome by the way) to keep me laughing and in good spirits, and I crocheted to keep me active as well. I felt great! I was hopeful and happy and hubby and I were talking to our embryos daily. If love and hope alone could make embryos survive then we would have the happiest and healthiest 2 out there!! Crazy thoughts go through your head at this stage as well. The recommendation is to not do anything excessive, such as exercise or use your abdominal muscles too much. I skipped my yoga because I was afraid of going and pushing myself too much (even though it is a gentle course). I was also fearful of doing anything that would cause too much strain (bowel movements included ... but that is for another comedy show). 

I went back for blood work 5 days after our transfer and it was indicated that my estrogen levels had started to drop so they started me on medication to support that, so I was on progesterone 3x a day and estrogen 2x a day. On the 6th day past the transfer I started spotting a little which really worried me for I also had cramping. When I started reading up on it, it really sounded like it could be implantation bleeding. I won't go into any gory details here but to say that over the next few days I continued to spot but more and more I was hopeful, because I really felt it was the implantation. We continued to talk to our embryos and we were both so filled with joy that this could actually be 'it' for us. We were planning for twins and just getting excited to have the beta confirm we were pregnant. 

On May 9, 2015 we returned for our beta. We drove the hour and 15 minutes to the clinic just for blood work and then decided to head out afterwards, to shop for appliances for our new house to keep ourselves occupied. We were just heading in to a restaurant for lunch when I started to not feel 'off'. I went to the washroom and noticed that I was starting to bleed a little more. I told my hubby I wasn't up to staying any longer so we decided to just head home. I started to feel very scared and as though this meant that the IVF didn't work. On our drive home we got the call which confirmed my fears. Our beta was negative, the IVF failed. We both started crying. We went home and laid in bed for a couple hours just sitting with our tears and not sure what to do next. I tend to get distant when I am in pain and my hubby prefers to be comforted, so we were trying the best we could to meet each other's needs and comfort each other. We were both so numb because we were so hopeful and confident that this was going to work. I fluctuated with my emotions, going from being tearful to angry and I truly just wanted to break something, anything! I had this strong urge to take everything within my reach and just throw it everywhere because nothing mattered anymore (I didn't ... but I really wanted to). 

Sometimes life just seems really unfair. No matter how much hope one puts out there or what they do to keep themselves calm a centered, ultimately, none of it is in our control. We have to do what we can to support our chances and keep ourselves healthy mentally, but it is not the answer to all of our problems. Things just don't always work out how we plan for them. 

We have 1 embryo remaining which froze successfully, so we are going to move forward with our FET (frozen embryo transfer), but then if this doesn't work we will most likely hold off until the fall before resuming treatments again. Summer vacations will most likely impact things and we'll also need time to get finances in order. It cost us about $11,000 to do the IVF and it will cost another $1,800 to move forward with the FET. I am scared to move forward because there is not even a guarantee that the embryo is going to make the thawing process successfully. None of this is a guarantee and when you put so much on the line it is really scary! But, like I've said before, we'll keep moving forward because that is all we can do in order to acheive our goal. I know I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet, and I feel like I would want to do this a couple more times before I am ready to face the thought that it may be not meant to happen for us. I don't only want to be a parent, I want to experience pregnancy, and I will do whatever I can to make that happen!