Infertility Awareness Week

We are #1in6! 

May 19 to 28 is Infertility Awareness week in Canada and this year's theme is to raise awareness by putting a face to the 1 in 6 couples in Canada that are affected by this disease. 

So I have been sitting here thinking, what does infertility mean to me? What more can I do to educate people, aside from my overly detailed descriptions of what the procedures entail? Well I think I have it. I want to talk about the 'excitement' or lack thereof of going through fertility treatments.

I have heard from family and friends over and over how 'excited' they were for me that I was going to a fertility specialist and that I was undergoing this or that treatment. As time goes on I am finding that I am getting triggered and angry by these comments, at first I just thought I was being overly sensitive, but after our recent IVF failure I now understand why. Nothing about this process is exciting. The sheer fact that I have to go to a fertility specialist to help with trying to conceive a child is the furthest thing from exciting that there is. I am hopeful and eager that we will find answers and one day be successful, but the true excitement won't come until we get the confirmed pregnancy test.

Gearing up for the IVF retrieval I had been texting/messaging friends. They shared how excited they were for us that we were moving forward however, the only thing I could see was how scared I was. People keep telling me to think positively and focus on the good thing but how could I when I was scared about spending close to $11,000 on a chance to have a baby, no guarantees (all out of pocket due to no insurance coverage). I was scared that the clinic would not get enough eggs out of me to fertilize or that they wouldn't fertilize period. I was scared that they would't make it to the transfer day and we would't be able to move forward. I had so many fears but all anyone wanted to talk about was their excitement. I honestly wasn't excited at this stage. I was going to have a ridiculously long needle inserted inside of me to suck out what follicles I had. I was fearful of the pain (as well as everything else I already mentioned). I needed to stay positive but I also wanted to be able to talk about how stressful the whole experience was. At this very moment I couldn't even think about excitement. There was too much at stake and we had been at this for far too long. I understand that people view talking negatively as a 'bad' thing. An omen or a foretelling of what's to come. I don't believe in that all. We all need to vent when going through a stressful situation and I personally feel that not being able to express your fears or anger can cause more harm than not talking about it, but I don't have a medical degree in this so I will leave it at that. 

Excitement did eventually come, after our embryos were transferred into me. I had the wave of emotions, thoughts of possibilities and new hopes for the future. I believed that I could actually be pregnant, that the treatments finally worked for us, and I was finally able to let the excitement in. But this was still a cautious excitement, the closer I got to our beta, the more I was fearful that it may not work. I was at work talking with some coworkers about the transfer and my one coworker was congratulating me and expressing how happy she was for me, as if I told her that I was pregnant. I know some people view themselves as being 'pregnant until proven otherwise' after a transfer however, I personally have a hard time with that. So when this coworker was expressing her congratulations I had to remind her (and me) that this was only the first step and that there was no guarantees (yet). I think my hesitancy stems from all of the disappointments we've endured and although I will act and hope and believe as much as possible that I am pregnant, I still will not accept it until I get that BFP beta (and at this point, maybe not even then). 

I feel as though this whole experience has robbed us of the chance to be excited about a pregnancy anymore. I guess I can't really say that for sure, since we haven't had that experience yet, but when I think about pregnancy and what the future holds, I think of all of my fears. The fear of miscarrying before 12 weeks. The chance of complications in the pregnancy and losing it before the due date. Once you have experienced a loss whether it be through miscarriage, still birth, or infertility (the inability to conceive) it is hard to not imagine the worse outcomes and fears because that is what you've lived. When you have lived with something so profound it is hard not to be impacted significantly. A very close friend of mine lost her first son at 24 weeks in uterus. When she was expressing to me these exact feelings of not being able to truly be happy with her second pregnancy, and constantly worrying about losing it, I told her that she 'just had to try to be happy' and 'to look forward to the future and not in the past'. I know now how selfish and insensitive that was of me. She couldn't prepare the nursery a head of time and feel the same kind of joy as she did the first time around because she had experienced an unimaginable loss. Her experience robbed her of the ability to experience true happiness in a pregnancy again and while she was sharing those feelings with me I was not validating that and (perhaps) putting more guilt on her for not being able to. I wanted her to experience that happiness so much, and for her to be the person she was before her loss, that I selfishly did not allow her to talk about her fears. I know now, having gone through my experiences that she just needed to vent and I should have let her. 

I know the friends and family that share their excitement for us mean well, and I truly appreciate all of their sentiments! I may say that I am not excited, or comment on how I am actually feeling in hopes to capture how truly crappy and scary this journey is. In fact everyone living with infertility go through different emotions and perhaps there are some people out there that are better able to be excited than I am. We each cope differently and that is why I always stress that these posts are merely from my perspective, So my hope for a take away message, for any family member or friend of someone living with infertility, is that you just be there for them. If they are expressing fears or pessimism, let them. You can still express that you have hopes for them and wish them all the best, while validating their feelings and their experiences at the same time. Just remember to them, the person living with infertility, there is not a lot that is exciting on this journey.

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For those who live close by please consider attending this event or even making a donation to IAAC!

Infertility Awareness 5 km Walk/Run

All ages are welcome!

This is a community awareness event

Bring your support system with you!

DATE: Sunday May 24th

TIME: 9am - walk/run begins

(Exhibitors, band, food and speeches to follow - event concludes at

12pm)

LOCATION: Burloak Waterfront Trail, 5475 Lakeshore East,

Burlington, ON (between Hampton Heath and Burloak Drive)

REGISTRATION: voluntary donation to Infertility Awareness

Association of Canada (IAAC)

DEADLINE: Must register before Friday May 22nd.

To register email Sarah Clark at sarah.clark@sesacoaching.ca or

call 289-681-7372.