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If you had told me three years ago that we
would still be trying to have our first kid, I'd have laughed at you. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty ignorant
about the whole concept of infertility.
Like most people, I figured getting pregnant was an easy thing. Sure, it may take a little time to get
pregnant, but it shouldn't take too long, right?
One of the crazy things you learn when
you're struggling with infertility is that it really doesn't care who you
are. There's no particular thing that
says "hey, you're going to have a difficult time". Visiting the clinics, it's amazing the
diversity present. It affects
everyone. The other thing that hits you
in the clinics is how much everyone keeps to themselves, as if this is
punishment for something they've done.
I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, but even I find the
atmosphere stifling. Nobody talks,
everyone is on their phones (or, for the few, books) trying to ignore everyone
else.
That's the thing about infertility. No one talks about it. No one wants to acknowledge it. The CDC even classifies it as a disease. Everybody talks around it, trying to avoid
the subject. Yet it's a subject that
needs to be talked about. 1 in 6 couples
in Canada are affected by it. That's a
large number of people, yet unless you know someone who's been willing to
share, you don't really hear about it.
I'm blessed with a wife who's completely unafraid to share. I feel she's doing a great job at educating
people on it... including me at times.
When we started on this journey, I'll
admit, I was ignorant. I made a bit of
fun of the ovulation kits, scoffing at the idea that you need to track your
cycle to that detail. Amazing how a few
years of experience completely changes your perspective. As the male in infertility, I have it
easy. I feel guilty a lot that Courtney
has to drive to the clinic so many times during a cycle (those ovulation kits
certainly seem a lot less funny now), especially since we live in a rural town
and the clinics are all an hour away.
When we first visited the infertility clinic, as odd as it sounds, I
really wanted it to be something wrong with me - low sperm count, low motility,
anything. I find it easier to deal with
things that are happening to me than to Courtney. I often struggle with how to be supportive -
mainly with what to say. I've never been
good at offering verbal support, but I think I've gotten much better than what
I used to be - or at least I say stupid things less often.
The other big thing I struggle with is
grieving. It can be hard to understand,
but each failure feels like a loss.
While the many initial attempts (aided by drugs or not) and the two
IUI's weren't too bad, the failure of our first IVF was very difficult. Even though you know the success rates and
all the numbers, it's still really tough when it does end in failure. There is nothing quite like the feeling of
the drop in your stomach when bad news arrives. I don't have a good mechanism for dealing with
grief - I'm very good at just stuffing things aside, ignoring the feelings I
don't like until they go away. It may
not be the healthiest way, but it works for me. Dealing with grief is something everybody
does different, and it took me a while to realize the difference between how
Courtney and I deal with it, and that I have to be accepting of the way that
she deals with it. It's still an ongoing
process and the learning never stops.
But the biggest difficulty has been the not
knowing. We are currently dealing with
unexplained infertility. That means that
all the tests that have been done have returned nothing as a source of the
problem. There is nothing worse than not
knowing. You just want answers. Unfortunately science isn't quite there yet. It's amazing the amount you do learn about
human reproduction while you go through this experience. Some days I'm even amazed anyone gets
pregnant given the amount of things that can go wrong (seriously, there are a
lot). Someday science may get to the
point where there is no more unexplained infertility (and maybe make it easier
to determine what is wrong), but that's not too comforting when you're going
through the process.
Overall, it's been a tough experience. We've grown as a couple over this experience
but it hasn't been easy. And I still
eagerly await the day that I will be able to hold our child in my arms.
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