So for the first four days I was soo excited about this pregnancy. Planned the nursery and envisioning the babies out in the world with us, but then the fears started to kick in. Could this really be happening? What if something goes wrong? I have chosen to remain on the Paleo diet because I felt that it had helped us thus far and it was recommended that I continue with it by a Midwife, but what if it wasn't enough?
The real fears didn't kick in until Christmas Day. We had traveled to my in-laws for Christmas. We did the trip in two days because I had to work until 5pm on Christmas Eve, which got us to their house Christmas Day. Everything was seeming fine until I got to their house and used the washroom. There was a some dark blood, more than spotting but less than a full period. This worried me because not 2 1/2 hours earlier I had gone to the washroom and there was nothing. Also, I was bleeding more when I wiped. I couldn't stop crying because I was so worried that we were miscarrying and I knew if I didn't get it checked out it would ruin our whole day. My in laws had put their Christmas morning on hold for us but we had to hold off for a little while longer because we decided to go to the hospital.
Now, note to self, do not go to a small town hospital in the middle of nowhere, on Christmas Day. They had an ultrasound technician on call but she didn't want to go in unless there was a bigger emergency because at 5 weeks there was a chance that you may not be able to see anything anyways. I understand this completely and know that at such an early stage there is not much that could be done but let me tell you, the Dr. could have found some more compassionate ways to say that, or even just suggest that we monitor the situation and to come back if it gets worse. Instead I get 'well if you are miscarrying there isn't a whole lot we can do for you anyways', and 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again'. Gee thanks Doc who has my IVF history in your hands and who can visibly see me crying out of fear and worry. I do have to say though that the nurse we met was wonderful, very compassionate and empathetic, so that made it a little better.
We decided to go home (back to my in-laws) and just wait things out and hope for the best. I had also emailed my midwives (prior to going to the hospital but after not hearing back we decided to go in for peace of mind), and she responded telling me what to watch out for in case of a miscarriage. I was grateful for the detail because then I knew what to watch out for. She provided much more detail than the hospital and put my mind to ease a bit, which is what I needed to be able to continue on with my day. I kept telling myself that maybe I was just overreacting and that everything was going to be okay. A mantra that got me through the next few days.
My in-laws were great. They encouraged me to rest as much as possible and we were able to enjoy our Christmas visit. I continued to bleed but this time it was more of a spotting than a heavy bleed, although I did notice the more activity I did the more there was. For instance I had gone to the store with my sister in laws and noticed there was more bleeding when I returned.
I made my husband drive the longer way home because I had myself convinced that the gravel road that we were on for about an hour, the last part of our drive, had contributed to the bleeding. I didn't want to risk that again and therefore I wanted to avoid that road at all costs! Thankfully we decided to take the trip in two days again so we weren't in a rush to get the hotel and could go the longer way.
I decided to follow up with the clinic to see if they would get me in sooner for an ultrasound or whether they felt I didn't have anything to worry about. Thankfully they scheduled me for an ultrasound the day after we returned. We have one baby on board and the nurse shared that they detected a heartbeat and that everything was looking good! She suggested that I rest, especially if I start spotting again and they booked me in for a follow up ultrasound to make sure everything is continuing to go well.
I felt reassured since having had the ultrasound and knowing that we have a little bean hanging on in there. I am also happier that as I write this I am now three days without spotting and can only hope that I don't experience that again! But I am still scared. I am still worried that anything can happen at any time and we may not be able to take this little bean home. I feel like I have something overshadowing us and our happiness, a metaphorical ball that can drop at any moment. Through discussions with other ladies who have also struggled I think these feelings are normal. For someone who has had multiple losses or struggled for a long time the fear and anxiety is more heightened. The thought of miscarrying after three and half years, two IVFs and an FET, not to mention the other treatments and tests, is devastating! The thought that it may take us that long to conceive again, if it ever does happen. Well, you get the idea. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts going on.
I know I can't allow myself to get caught in the fear and anxieties and I have to try and enjoy as much of this experience as I can. We have already started looking at baby furniture and strollers and doing what any newly expectant parents would do even though we have this shadow over our heads. We will try to embrace each moment as it comes because we know that it can be taken from us at any moment.
I will try to update my blog now and then with updates on my pregnancy and the baby because I want to be contentious of the many people on my social media sites that are currently struggling. I may share things here and there but I don't want to overload people with updates.
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