The Chaos that is IVF

So we started our IVF preparation on April 12, 2015. The process itself is fairly similar to the IUI expect I didn't have to take any oral medications because the gonal-f injections started right off the bat, and the blood work/ultrasound visits were more frequent. 

I was started on 250IUs of gonal-f on CD 2 and then it was increased to 325IUs on CD 5, and then again to 375IUs on CD 11. The dose increases worried me. I questioned if my body was reacting appropriately to the medications and just frankly worried what it all meant. It's crazy that every little change makes you doubtful or scared through this process! On CD 8 I started a new medication called Orgalutran which is an LH suppressor to prevent me from ovulating on my own. This way the clinic can control ovulation, to ensure the follicles are growing well. I am just going to throw it out there that this was a very unpleasant injection! The directions in the box said to take it in the upper leg which was quite painful. It stung a bit while being administered and was very irritating for some time afterwards as well (I found out later that it can be given in the abdomen which can reduce the discomfort). 

I got into the routine of giving the daily injections and going for the blood work and ultrasounds but then the anxiety started to kick in. Each day we continued on I was worried about what it went meant. Was my body not responding well to the medications?? When would we finally be able to trigger? Overall I feel I was just getting to a point of not being able to handle the injections any longer and I was very eager to at least known when we would go in for the retrieval. Thankfully I didn't have to sit with those emotions for too long because I finally got the call to trigger on CD 12, which meant that our retrieval would be on CD 14.  

We stayed in a hotel the night before our retrieval

The fun part of the retrieval was being drugged up to help with the pain due to their having to use very long needle to get at the follicles. I was a little out of it and uncomfortable with the process so I was not really able to see/focus on what was going on. My husband however, was able to see the Dr. sucking the follicles through the needle on the ultrasound machine. It was apparently something cool and interesting to see, but I'll just take his word for it!! While I was getting cleaned up and escorted to the recovery room, they ushered my hubby into a little 'media' room in order for him to produce his specimen. Before we left we were told that his sperm looked good and that they had retrieved 10 eggs from me in total. Then we just had to wait to see how many would fertilize!! Our Dr. told us that he would use IVF (the old fashioned method of isolating the good sperm and introducing it to the eggs in the lab to allow for fertilization to occur naturally), and ICSI (a method where the inject a single healthy sperm into a single egg). The next morning we got the call from the Embryologist that 4 out of our 10 eggs fertilized!!

I hadn't heard anything in a couple of days so I decided to call the Embryologist, I was shocked when he shared that we had 5 embryos because just 2 days prior we only had 4! I guess we had a late bloomer fighting its way to make it! Our transfer was scheduled for 5 days past our retrieval (otherwise known as a 5 day transfer (5dt)). My understanding is that a 5dt is best for this means the embryo has reached the blastocyst stage and therefore is considered the best quality. It is difficult for me to describe to you the feelings I had about our embryos. To me, they were already my babies and I was feeling very protective of them. I couldn't imagine leaving any of them behind and I envisioned transferring all of them at some point either now, or in the future. I was already a mother to these little precious cells. 

On Wednesday April 29, 2015 we arrived at the clinic, eagerly awaiting to hear how our embryos were doing. Out of the 5 we had, only 3 made it through the blastocyst stage. Our Dr. wanted to transfer 1 good quality embryo however, after talking to him about my fears of it not being successful we decided to transfer 2. I just knew that if we only transferred 1 and we lost it I would have regretted not increasing our chances by implanting 2. We knew this increased our chances of having multiples and at this point we were okay with that thought, we just wanted something to finally work! I had waves of intense emotions after the transfer and at times felt as though I was going to cry for no reason at all. I was just so overwhelmed with everything! 

Our embryos that we transferred

I had read about keeping your body and mind stress free after the transfer so I took the rest of the week off and just relaxed as much as possible. I watched a Netflix marathon of The Mindy Project (which is awesome by the way) to keep me laughing and in good spirits, and I crocheted to keep me active as well. I felt great! I was hopeful and happy and hubby and I were talking to our embryos daily. If love and hope alone could make embryos survive then we would have the happiest and healthiest 2 out there!! Crazy thoughts go through your head at this stage as well. The recommendation is to not do anything excessive, such as exercise or use your abdominal muscles too much. I skipped my yoga because I was afraid of going and pushing myself too much (even though it is a gentle course). I was also fearful of doing anything that would cause too much strain (bowel movements included ... but that is for another comedy show). 

I went back for blood work 5 days after our transfer and it was indicated that my estrogen levels had started to drop so they started me on medication to support that, so I was on progesterone 3x a day and estrogen 2x a day. On the 6th day past the transfer I started spotting a little which really worried me for I also had cramping. When I started reading up on it, it really sounded like it could be implantation bleeding. I won't go into any gory details here but to say that over the next few days I continued to spot but more and more I was hopeful, because I really felt it was the implantation. We continued to talk to our embryos and we were both so filled with joy that this could actually be 'it' for us. We were planning for twins and just getting excited to have the beta confirm we were pregnant. 

On May 9, 2015 we returned for our beta. We drove the hour and 15 minutes to the clinic just for blood work and then decided to head out afterwards, to shop for appliances for our new house to keep ourselves occupied. We were just heading in to a restaurant for lunch when I started to not feel 'off'. I went to the washroom and noticed that I was starting to bleed a little more. I told my hubby I wasn't up to staying any longer so we decided to just head home. I started to feel very scared and as though this meant that the IVF didn't work. On our drive home we got the call which confirmed my fears. Our beta was negative, the IVF failed. We both started crying. We went home and laid in bed for a couple hours just sitting with our tears and not sure what to do next. I tend to get distant when I am in pain and my hubby prefers to be comforted, so we were trying the best we could to meet each other's needs and comfort each other. We were both so numb because we were so hopeful and confident that this was going to work. I fluctuated with my emotions, going from being tearful to angry and I truly just wanted to break something, anything! I had this strong urge to take everything within my reach and just throw it everywhere because nothing mattered anymore (I didn't ... but I really wanted to). 

Sometimes life just seems really unfair. No matter how much hope one puts out there or what they do to keep themselves calm a centered, ultimately, none of it is in our control. We have to do what we can to support our chances and keep ourselves healthy mentally, but it is not the answer to all of our problems. Things just don't always work out how we plan for them. 

We have 1 embryo remaining which froze successfully, so we are going to move forward with our FET (frozen embryo transfer), but then if this doesn't work we will most likely hold off until the fall before resuming treatments again. Summer vacations will most likely impact things and we'll also need time to get finances in order. It cost us about $11,000 to do the IVF and it will cost another $1,800 to move forward with the FET. I am scared to move forward because there is not even a guarantee that the embryo is going to make the thawing process successfully. None of this is a guarantee and when you put so much on the line it is really scary! But, like I've said before, we'll keep moving forward because that is all we can do in order to acheive our goal. I know I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet, and I feel like I would want to do this a couple more times before I am ready to face the thought that it may be not meant to happen for us. I don't only want to be a parent, I want to experience pregnancy, and I will do whatever I can to make that happen!

Moving on to IVF

On April 7th we met with our fertility Dr. to talk about next steps. We weren't surprised when he brought up IVF, due to our two cycles of IUI with super ovulation being unsuccessful and his telling us originally that he wouldn't recommend doing any more. He reiterated that there are still potential reasons as to why we have not yet conceived such as 1. the shell of the egg being too thick, 2. poor overall egg quality, and 3. the sperm being unable to fertilize the egg. We are hopeful that we will get more answers but honestly I am not going to hold my breath. For the past two and half years, through my diagnosis with Fibromyalgia and Infertility, every test I have undergone has come back 'normal'. So I honestly feel that we are just going to be that couple that will always be unexplained, which is incredibly frustrating. 

We wanted to get started right away but we found out that we had to meet with the IVF nurse first and have all the criteria met from a check list. Since my period was due that weekend we started to think that it wasn't going to happen this cycle. We really wanted this cycle because we are moving in July and therefore wanted a couple months under us if it was successful, the timing would be perfect. If we held off then we weren't sure if we should go ahead in May or if we should wait until after the move. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that any longer. The IVF nurse fit us into her schedule on Friday so we got everything completed and then my period arrived on Saturday. Everything was good to go to start our CD 2 Ultrasound and blood work on Sunday! The injections also started on Sunday, which is different from the IUI cycles, for we started off with pills and moved to injections on CD 6, whereas now we went to straight injections, at a much higher dose, and will stay on them until the retrieval. 

Initially I was filled with so much hope. Again, it seemed like everything was going to work out for us, but then reality kicked in. We've been here before, thinking that everything was falling into place only to be crushed. I have also heard of so many failures lately that it is has really shaken me. In the past little while I have known four couples that have gone through IVF. For most it was not even their first time. Out of the four, two got positive Beta's, out of those two, only one has so far had a viable pregnancy, although she has had her fair share of struggles from loosing one of the twins to nearly loosing the remaining one. I have also heard from a few friends that have had recent miscarriages. I then start to worry that even if we are successful, it will end badly for us. Now I know that these are not my stories, but I can't help but think that they could be.

These fears then lead to an overall questioning of everything. I often wonder if I am being punished for something, or if this is a way to end the ongoing cycle of crap in my life.

I wouldn't say that I have had a horrible life overall but it definitely has been a challenge. I don't really remember my childhood, I get snippet pictures here and there but I think they are mostly from stories others have told me, rather than my own memories. So I would say my challenges started in my early teens with living with mental health issues with one of my parents. It then went on to dealing with my own in my late teens and early twenties. I still struggle with my anxiety disorder however, it has been under control without medication for a couple of years now, and now I have my struggles with chronic pain. I know I don't want any kids we have to have the same struggles I did and therefore there are times when I wonder if this is 'life's' way of ending that cycle naturally. Of course I know that this is ridiculous because if that were the case then drug addicts would never get pregnant, but there is an emotional aspect, having not fully dealt with everything, that creeps up and puts these thoughts in my head. I felt that things had changed for me. I met this great guy, completely different from others that I had dated, someone who was kind, caring, and outstanding in every way possible and we decided to get married. Now we did have our struggles early on and it nearly ended our relationship however, we worked hard at making everything okay. We knew we loved one another and we were willing to use elbow grease to make things better for us. I will say we were quite successful at that and I honestly cannot imagine my life without him. We have worked so hard to make ourselves healthier and happier and I wonder why this baby just won't come now. There must be another reason! I know there isn't, sometimes life just sucks and bad things happen to good people and there is no other reason for it. But our brains cannot accept that. We look for some reason to explain the unexplained. 

Now my challenge is to accept those feelings but to move away from them. I cannot dwell in the past nor in the future, I have to work on keeping myself calm and centered on the here and now. As difficult as it is I have to be hopeful that it will work, but I can also be cautious at the same time. 

So here we go ....

IUI #2

Right after we got our negative Beta from our first IUI we started the process for our second one. I told myself that I would not get my hopes up as much as last time and that I would look at this realistically. Most people I talked to went on about being hopeful. They hoped it worked for us and would tell me that I needed to be hopeful, but they just didn't understand that the 'hope' is what hurts the most. Sure I want to be hopeful that it works, and I truly am, but I also have to be realistic that nothing has worked thus far and that the percentages are low of it working again.

So we went through the whole process again. My husband and I decided that this time I would let the call for our Beta results go to voice mail and that we would listen to it together when we both got home for work. It was a long afternoon knowing that I had the answer sitting there on my phone.

Surprise surprise, the beta came back negative. I told myself that it was okay, we knew this was going to happen and to be strong. My husband and I had prepared ourselves, talking about what we would do for next steps and making plans. Although, I actually thought that by preparing for the next steps we wouldn't need it. I was angry, but I felt that I was taking the results better than I had the previous month. That was, until I got to work the next day. Within thirty minutes of being at work I was a water works show. I could not stop crying and I couldn't even talk. Perhaps it was the all the hormone drugs along with the negative beta, or perhaps the grief was just finally kicking in.

The nurse informed us that our treatment would be on hold now until we met with the Dr. to review next steps. Thankfully we got an appointment within four weeks, so that gave us a much needed break but still within a good time frame to move forward because moving forward is all we can do. Blindly and achingly. 

                                             

IUI #1

We had a nice relaxing Christmas with my in-laws. Honestly it turned out perfectly! My in-laws lost their internet just before we arrived and didn't get it back until after we had left. Which meant that I was not tempted to go on social media where I would see all of the pictures of happy families with their children on Christmas morning. My husband had also talked to his family and asked them to minimize talking about pregnant people/babies due to how vulnerable/sad I had been over the past few weeks. They respected that (which was greatly appreciated) and I didn't realize until the drive home how truly relaxing and wonderful the few days we had spent there had been. I felt rejuvenated and ready to embark on our next steps!

So we said goodbye to 2014 and hello to 2015! The year where things will finally start changing for us! It just has to right?? After two and half years of struggling with infertility things just have to finally turn around for us, right??. So then all we had to do is wait for my period to arrive and then we could get the process started for our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). 

Schedule of medications and blood work/ultrasound appointments.  

I have had people ask what occurs through the process so I'll take a moment now just to explain it. Once I get my period, I contact the clinic to schedule my first blood work/ultrasound appointment. The first appointment is typically Day 2 or 3 of the cycle (CD 1 being the start of the period). 

I've suggested that they put up cartoons for us to
look at while we are laying on the table, still
waiting for that to happen!

Each morning I go into the clinic I have to have blood work drawn,  LH (Luteinizing hormone) levels are monitored in order to detect ovulation. When the LH surge is detected that means within 24-36 hours ovulation will occur.

I have internal ultrasounds each time, as well as the blood work, and 1 visit I have to do a full bladder, external ultrasound. The purpose of the external ultrasound is to ensure there are no anomalies such as cysts or fibroids. The internal ultrasounds are to monitor the growth of the follicles, which hold the eggs (Follicles produce the hormones estrogen and progesterone and release an egg when you ovulate - Mayo clinic description). The Dr. monitors the growth of the follicle(s) to ensure that they are growing and will be mature and healthy enough by the time ovulation occurs. Typically the healthy follicles range from 18-36mm however, my Dr. stated that he preferred them over 20mm. 

Fun part is the medications! Not ... I actually cried in the pharmacy when I picked up the gonal-f needles, after I saw the price. I knew it was going to be expensive, I just hadn't realized how much! The pharmacy technician was super sweet and understanding, which helped a little. (Thank you places of employment for specifically excluding Fertility medications from their insurance plans!!). I took Femera (Letrozole - used to stimulate the follicles) from CD 3 - 7, Gonal-F (as seen above - also a follicle stimulator to increase the amount of follicles growing) from CD 6 - 12 and then I triggered on CD 13 with Ovidrel (it's called a trigger because it 'triggers' ovulation, or for those who do ovulate on their own, it ensures that it happens within a certain time frame and releases the eggs). I was okay with giving myself the 'trigger' needles before, when it as only once a cycle however, I was not ready to give myself a needle daily from CD 6 - 13!! Hubby was great, he was willing to help but I wanted to be able to do it myself, so he assisted with getting everything for me and then he was the 'counter' to ensure I left the needle in long enough. It was good because it made him feel as though he had a part in the process, and it helped to keep me calm through it as well, because he was there with me.

Since I ovulated on my own, once the LH surge was detected our IUI would be scheduled for the following morning. We decided that we would spend the night in a hotel because hubby had to have his 'contribution' to the lab by 6:45am. With Mississauga being over an hour away from us there was no way we wanted to have to deal with that drive that early in the morning! Thankfully my sister in-law was able to help us out and spent the night with our dog and cat. Unfortunately though, that took several days of emails trying to keep her posted on potential time frames, but we really didn't know until the afternoon before when the IUI would be. (Thank you SIL for being so flexible!)

The IUI itself was around 8:30am. Hubby made his 'delivery' and then came back to the hotel to get me and we headed to the clinic for the procedure. As you can imagine we were excited and scared, anxious and happy, although if anything I think we just look tired in the picture.

The IUI was not painful, however it was uncomfortable. They used a speculum (similar to a pap smear) to open the cervix and then they inserted a catheter to inject the sperm. I experienced a lot of deep cramping which lasted about a day and half otherwise it was a simple procedure. Afterwards I had to lay still for about five minutes and then we were free to go so that we could start the dreaded two week wait (tww). 

The evening after the procedure I had to start taking progesterone suppositories twice a day. When I had gone for my initial investigation testing, it was indicated that my progesterone levels were low after ovulation (I was at 7 and the Dr. prefers the levels to be above 10), and therefore if there was a pregnancy I was at higher risk of miscarriage, or it not sticking. Thankfully I had a couple days off of work when I started the progesterone because, other than having to get used to 'administering them', it made me incredibly tired and 'zoned' out. I thought it was due to just being tired but after reading up on the medications and talking to a friend, I think it was from the progesterone. After three days the exhaustion was still there but I started to feel as though I had at least a little energy again. 

It was a long couple of weeks and we had a lot of exciting things happen for us. Due to my chronic pain issues my husband and I decided to purchase a new home, a bungalow, so that when we do have a baby I won't have to worry about climbing stairs to the nursery several times a day. Our current house had been on the market for about a week and half and actually sold the same day we had the IUI!! Now this was shocking to us because houses typically take three months to sell in this area, and also the house we bought is a new build and won't be ready until the end of June, so we wanted a July closing date. We were so thrilled and excited and started to wonder if this was a sign that things were finally going to start looking up for us. We were hopeful and giddy and talking about the baby 'that could be'. 

Another small part of me was hopeful due to an experience I had a couple years back. Several months after we first started trying to conceive, I had gone to a psychic fair with one of my hubby's cousins. I was told that I wouldn't conceive anytime soon (which came true), and that my first would be conceived in January. I thought that she had meant the January coming up, which would have been last year however, with our IUI being January 30th, and with everything else that had gone on, I couldn't help but wonder if this was the sign that our infertility journey was coming to end and that the prediction was going to come true. 

A blood test, called a Beta, is taken two weeks after ovulation to detect the hcg (human chorionic gonadotrpin) hormone, which is a sign of pregnancy. If the hcg hormone is detected then a second blood test is completed two days later to ensure that the levels are doubling, which would indicate a progressing pregnancy. If the hormone is not detected, then it means the procedure was not successful. 

Our fist IUI was not successful. I had been working from home the day of the blood test and was actually on the phone with a client when the clinic called. I let it go to voice mail and then when I was off the phone, with all the positive thoughts I could muster, I checked the message. 'So sorry your test was negative. Please stop taking the progesterone and call us when your period starts to schedule your CD 2/3 blood work/ultrasound to start again'. How to describe how I felt when I hear that, well I think the picture below depicts it very well. I felt empty. I felt that I had just gotten a call that a close family member had died. I couldn't stop crying and just kept thinking how unfair life is. I knew my husband was eagerly awaiting the results as well but how could I call him at work and tell him that all of our hopes had been shattered? So I sat by myself for the next few hours, crying off an on waiting for him to come home. I messaged a couple of close friends who had also been eagerly awaiting the results, but I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't know what I could say other than choke on my tears. Hubby called me on the way home from work, I thought about not answering his call but knew that would worry him, so instead I tried to be as chipper as possible and told him that we could talk when he got home. He came in the door with a very long face, already suspecting the results I would be sharing with him. I started to cry, he started to cry and we just embraced one another. But how do we console one another? I so much just wanted to stay with him embraced, but then I also wanted to run away. I can't help but feel as though this was all my fault and I wasn't sure I wanted to be consoled either due to my anger. 

I decided to take the following day off of work because I was still feeling very fragile emotionally. I hear a song lyric, I start crying, someone messages me to be supportive and I start crying. I didn't think that I could productively be at work, especially since there would be pregnant women there. I just needed time to compose myself and work my way through the stages of grief. It is hard to explain to someone who has never been through this that it really is a loss. It is not about 'better luck next time', because although we will keep trying, there is no guarantee it is going to happen. This is a loss, a death of a loved one that has never existed. How to explain that, although I have never been pregnant, I am loosing a child each month. I decided to go and get a hair cut, just to distract myself and get out of the house. It was all fine until the stylist asked me if I had any kids. The tears started again and I couldn't help wonder why people feel the need to ask those questions as small talk. I told her I had a dog and cat and while trying to compose myself. After several minutes I briefly shared our struggles, to explain my tears, and then we didn't talk about it again. I ended up crying the whole car ride home, just feeling incredibly sad, empty, and very very angry. I didn't even care at that moment if the car went off of the road. I wasn't suicidal, I just didn't see a point in life anymore. But then I reminded myself that I have been here before. I know it is going to take me a few days just to 'be okay', and that was fine with me. I don't want to hide my grief. I need to feel the pain. I know once I go through the emotions I will be better able to move forward and try again.  So I may not be okay today, but I will be tomorrow.  

So now we wait for my period to start so we can do the whole process again ... Am I ready? Emotionally no, but I will do whatever it takes to continue our journey with trying to have a baby. 

Next Steps

For those who have been following our story I guess I will just pick up where I last left off... We were a week away from our follow up appointment with our fertility Dr. when we got a call to push it back yet again. We were informed that the Dr. had a meeting he had to attend and therefore needed to re-book. They wanted us to go in the same day as the scheduled appointment, but instead of 5pm they wanted us to be there for 8:30am. Thankfully they were able to get us in that Friday instead since that didn't work for us. In the meantime I had contacted the manager of the office because by that point I was so angry with how many times our appointment had been rescheduled and the fact that the information I had asked to have sent the specialist had not been sent. I pointed out that changing an appointment a Friday before the Monday appointment due to a scheduled meeting was unprofessional and unacceptable. She validated the experience and how angry I was and expressed that although it happened to us, it was an anomaly for their office. She advised that she would speak to the staff about getting patient requests completed in a timely manner and further informed me that they would be making changes to how they book appointments after procedures, to ensure that people got to see the Dr. and get their results in a timely manner. I felt that they heard my concerns and actually took to heart what I was saying. Furthermore, the fact that they have taken feedback (most likely more than just mine) and were implementing changes was a wonderful thing! So, we decided to stick with them. I think no matter where we go there is going to be some issues (or so I've read), so I feel good staying with them knowing that at least we have a very personable Doctor.

The Doctor confirmed that the results from the Laparoscopy were clear. I do not have endometriosis nor any explanation as to why we haven't conceived yet. It is also unclear as to why I have the increased pain on my right side during ovulation and menses. We did learn a little more about conception and issues that people may have though, which I thought were very interesting. He shared that there are a few reasons why couples are unable to conceive which are not found until they get to the IVF stage such as: 1. the shell of the egg is too hard for the sperm to penetrate 2. the sperm is unable to fertilize the egg and 3. overall poor egg quality. The more I am learning about this process, the more I am honestly wondering how anyone actually gets pregnant on their own ... such a mystery!

So, at this point we are still considered to have unexplained infertility. Our Dr. is suggesting that we get a little more aggressive with our treatments meaning that he wants to increase the medications in order to release more eggs at ovulation. The new treatment plan includes more needles, which I am NOT looking forward to, but I know my hubby will help out if needed. Our Dr. feels that we should be fine to 'do the deed' on our own however, due to my chronic pain issues and wanting to optimize our chances he has agreed to do an IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) along with the increase in meds. We figure we'll resume our treatments in the new year. I have other health issues that we are looking into, to rule out possible auto-immune issues (the colonoscopy), and then we'll get through the Christmas holidays before starting the new regime.

Part of me wants to be hopeful, we will be starting a new treatment plan which is going to be more aggressive, but it's hard to be optimistic. So much can go wrong. I have low progesterone so once we've completed the IUI I will have to take progesterone suppositories in order to raise my levels. This will hopefully make a more conducive environment for a baby to grow. After that there is still so much that can go wrong. We haven't even gotten to the pregnancy stage and I am already worried about the possibility of loosing it. I know I am going to be super happy once I do get that BFP, but I know that I will worry right up until the day of delivery that something horrible would/could go wrong. I have heard so many different stories and experienced losses with friends and family that I know it will be hard not to think about all of it when it does finally happen for us, but I guess I'll have to wait to cross that bridge when we get to it.

The past year I have been in a  dark place emotionally. I know I have been struggling with our infertility and dealing with my chronic pain issues at the same time, and I was angry. It has taken time but I was truly starting to feel that I was coming out from under that dark cloud. I wasn't feeling as 'poor me' as I had been and I was becoming more optimistic and hopeful. Unfortunately it isn't lasting and I feel that it is slowly creeping away from me again. I have been bombarded with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and with each one another part of me crumbles. It is so hard to explain to someone that although I am super sad and angry about our situation, I am happy for them. It is just really hard to be around constant baby and pregnancy talk. I put a smile on my face and contribute to the conversation and then I get away or change the subject as soon as I can. Majority of the time I feel like crying inside. One of my coworkers recently had a baby and brought her newborn son into the office for a visit. Everyone was so happy to see the new baby and honestly, I felt as though I was going to have a panic attack. I quickly said hello but then I had to get away. It took everything inside of me to stop the tears from coming, so I just jumped right into work and started making phone calls to distract myself. Now, I would never ask pregnant coworkers to not talk about their pregnancies or to not bring their babies in to show off, but I am hopeful that they (all coworkers) can respect that I cannot be around it (conversations and babies) constantly (or sometimes at all).

This whole experience has really opened my eyes. I have thought about what I've said to people in the past and how it could have come across as insensitive and, although I am sure I will still mess up, I am trying hard to think about other's situations and how what I could say would impact them. One example I can think of is talking to a single mother coworker of mine. We had been talking about houses and I was saying how great and helpful my husband was. She was alone, having to do it all herself, and here I was, insensitively saying over and over everything my hubby did to help. Although my appreciation for my husband is valid I recognize that it was not an appropriate time to talk about it. I feel I should not have spoken about it as much as I did and although we could have had the same conversation, we could have focused on other aspects. There are so many situations and experiences that are different from our own and lots of times we say things that are potentially insensitive and hurtful because we are ignorant to it. I personally want to try to be more sensitive to what other's go through, just as I am hopeful that other's would want to be more sensitive to what we are going through.

So now we prepare for the holiday season. Another year without a baby to spoil. Another year without the line ups to see Santa or the 5am wake up because they are just so excited that Santa is coming ... call me crazy, but I am really looking forward to having it all one day. In the meantime I am just hoping for a week of no baby talk and no pregnancy announcements. We are spending a few days with hubby's family, so it should be a quiet Christmas. Here's hoping that 2015 brings the good news that we are looking for and I truly hope that those who are also struggling on this journey get their miracles as well!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Could It Be? I should have known better

Since our follow up appointment with the Fertility Dr. wasn't scheduled until November we were on our own in the meantime. My husband and I both knew that we would not stop trying even if it meant we had no help. We were going to do what we could to keep our family building plans going. Honestly, I wasn't very optimistic that it would work. It has been over two years since we initially started trying and if we were going to be successful on our own, I felt it would have happened by now. But regardless, I was not ready to throw in the towel!

So that's what we did. We kept trudging along like we always do. I actually felt as though there was not as much pressure on us since I wasn't overly optimistic it would work anyways. I asked myself if maybe that's what people called 'not trying'.  Since so many people told us that if we 'stopped trying' then we'd get pregnant, I wondered if this could really work (yes conflicting with my not being optimistic but nobody said it had to make any sense!).


We'll fast forward the ovulation time for I am sure no-one really wants to hear about our sex life (anymore than is already being shared, lol). So now we've come to waiting for AF (Aunt Flow). I was expecting AF to arrive, like it always does, and was just looking forward to finally getting some answers and looking at next steps at our upcoming appointment. Well, CD (cycle day) 27 came and nothing had happened. This is significant for me because I tend to spot one to two days prior to AF and I have been pretty much like clock work with getting AF on CD 27. I was curious what my body was doing however, I still was not too hopeful for there have been a few occasions (in the past couple years) that I have gotten AF on CD 28. CD 29 the absolute latest. So I waited. On CD 29 there was still no signs that AF was arriving so I decided to take a pregnancy test.

It was negative or BFN (Big Fat Negative) as we like to call it in the infertile world. Part of me was thinking that I was just going to be late and that I shouldn't get my hopes up while another part of me said that false negative can happen. It is always the balance of wanting to be hopeful while also wanting to be realistic and protect myself from pain. I decided to wait it out yet again, I told myself that I would wait until the weekend, and that if I still had not seen any signs then I would test again. In the evening of CD 30 (Friday), I had some bleeding when I went for a bowel movement (TMI I know), but then it went away. There was no more spotting or any other signs. I woke up the next morning and still nothing! So took another pregnancy test ... BFN! By now it was soo frustrating because I had no clue what was going on. I have never been this late before! If I wasn't pregnant then where was AF?? About an hour after being awake I went for another bowel movement and yet again had more bleeding, which went away right after. I looked it up (Yes, I Googled it!) and this is something that is not unheard of in early pregnancy so I continued to wait. ... To be hopeful or not to be hopeful that is the struggle. I think I have said it before but the waiting game is one of the hardest parts of this journey, not knowing either way and being in limbo.


Well, I finally got my answer several hours later. With massive stomach cramps and a heavy flow to boot. I honestly really should have known better. It was too good to be true, to actually think that I could have been pregnant. My original thoughts, that this wouldn't work on our own, should have stayed with me from the get go but I am human. It is so hard not to be hopeful even if we want to keep it at arms length. The thing that makes me feel the stupidest is that the previous day I had actually been talking to my stomach on the way to work. I told our hypothetical 'little bean' that we loved it already so much even though we didn't yet know if it was real. I told it all about our dog and cat and what our family was like. I asked it to just 'hang in there' so that we could meet it. I allowed myself to feel happy, feel as though this could really be a possibility and when AF reared her ugly face, I felt really stupid for it. But I know I would do it again, over and over because that is what this journey does to you. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Laparoscopy

September 4, 2014 I went for the Transvaginal Endoscopy with possible Laparoscopy. I cannot lie, the experience as a whole was not pleasant for me. My husband and I arrived at the hospital the required two hours before the scheduled procedure. The drive was over an hour so we had to leave around 9am, which was great because at least we got to sleep in. My procedure was scheduled for 12:30pm however I did not go back to the preparation area until nearly 1:30pm. It was probably closer to 2pm when I actually went in for the procedure. That alone is not a problem, I do understand that things can take longer than anticipated however, the fact that we were there for such a long time without my being able to take any of my pain medication, was a problem. Due to a lot of my pain being in my lower back, hip, and pelvis I am very particular about where I sit. I need to be conscientious of the level of support in order to be comfortable. The chairs, as you can imagine in a hospital, were not that supportive or comfortable at all, so after three hours of sitting in them I was in quite a bit of pain. I was grateful to have finally been called back to the preparation area for at least then I could lay down, even if the bed was a little hard.

The next step was probably the most painful and unpleasant out of the whole experience. The

Bruise one hour after blood work

technician came to insert my IV and decided he wanted to do blood work for a pregnancy test as well. When I signed in I had spoken to the nurse and informed her that due to my parents visiting for two weeks and my husband's parents visiting for one week in August we had decided to hold off that month. I informed her that we had had a negative pregnancy test in July and I had also just had my period a few days prior therefore, there would be no chance that we were pregnant. She told me that I would not need the blood work but the technician wanted to play it safe. He briefly looked at my arm and then decided that he was going to put the needle in the middle of my forearm. He jammed the needle in and was pushing it around looking for the 'right spot' and trying to get the desired amount of blood. He was also using force with his hand and thumb to try to direct the blood to the needle. It was so painful that I had tears streaming down my face. I have never experienced blood work as painful as this before. After several moments he told me that he had 'good' and 'bad' news. The good news was that he got the blood work he needed, the bad news, he couldn't leave the IV where it was. I asked him if he was not able to just put it into my hand, since although it is painful, past experiences have proven that blood work and IV is successful there. So in the hand the IV went. He again jammed the needle into my vein and poked around for a little bit, creating more tears and discomfort. From that moment until I was given the anesthetic all I could feel was a needle in my hand. It was throbbing, aching and so uncomfortable.  The anesthesiologist offered to have the needle moved but I made it quite clear that I did not want anyone to touch it at that point.

Bruise 2 days after procure. 

When my Fertility Dr. came to talk to us just before the surgery he asked me how everything was going. I told him that I had just finished my period a few days prior and that when it had started the pain in my right pelvic area, hip and low back was through the roof. He decided to skip the Transvaginal Endoscopy(the exploratory portion of the procedure) and just go right to the Laparoscopy for he felt there was something there. The Dr. walked me to the OR and in my attempts to alleviate my nerves I told him that the IV technician was not in my good books! We were able to have a little laugh over this at least.

I must say, the best part of this whole experience was the 45 minute sleep I had during the procedure. I woke up in the recovery area and was given some ginger ale and a Popsicle, first thing I had had to eat or drink since 8pm the previous night. I remember having only been awake for a few moments, but really who knows cause it's very disorienting, when the Dr. came to check in on me. He told me that I did not have endometriosis then made a comment about my bowels. Tears started streaming down my face. It was a punch to my gut. I had been excited for the possibility of having answers and my worst fear was having none. At that moment I felt as though my worst fear had come true. He told me that he would talk to me later when I had woken up more and so I was eager to hear what he did find. I went back into the Day Surgery section and was slowly getting ready to leave when I asked the nurse if the Dr. was coming back to talk to us. After some inquiring on his whereabouts it was discovered that he had left for the day. A message was left with him however it was unlikely he would return. Prior to the procedure I had asked if the Dr. would tell me what the outcome and was reassured that he would speak to me before and after. I was upset that he had left without even so much as talking to my husband and that now we would have to wait for the results for the follow up appointment which would not to be booked for 4 - 6 weeks later, according to the information given to us.

I went home with my prescription only realizing after we had already left that I was due for my next dose of pain killers at the same time they released me. We drove the 1+ hour drive home in rush hour traffic with no further medication, which again, was not the best experience. I am grateful to my husband for trying to avoid the heavier traffic areas as much as possible and getting me right to the pharmacy when we got back into town. We dropped off the prescription and then he took me home to rest while he went back to pick it up (Shh, don't tell them that he left me alone for 20 mins!).

My husband was great over the next few days. He had to stay home the following day as well since I was not able to be alone for 24 hours after the procedure. He was the best (and strictest) nurse I could have asked for. He ensured I had lots of jello and pudding and saw that my ginger ale was always full. It became a little much though when he yelled at me for getting up and walking around, LOL. I had to remind him that I needed to move around bit by bit. I was not even able to cut my own pork chop a few days later ... okay I cannot complain about this, he was truly sweet and so helpful!

I was also very lucky that a good friend of mine and his twins were able to come over that Saturday. My husband had a baseball tournament and I knew he would stay home to be with me if I needed it, but I didn't want him to miss out! My friend came by for a couple of hours to keep me company and it was nice just to know that I was not going to be alone for too long. Thankfully I was moving a bit easier at the time and was not needing too much assistance!

By the next week I still had not heard about the time for my follow up appointment with the Dr. I contacted the office and they told me that they were waiting for the Dr.'s new schedule. The following week they called and told me the appointment would be for November 26, 2014. That was 14 weeks from the date of my procedure. I was so angry, frustrated and sad. Not only did that mean that I would not find out the results, it also meant that our attempts at building our family, with assistance, was also on hold. After I wrote an email expressing my frustrations and having my husband call and speaking to them, they placed us on a cancellation list. One day I received a call to change our appointment time but it was to actually push it back further, November 29, 2014. The nurse asked if that was okay, and I honestly told her it wasn't, but that there was nothing I could do about. I expressed that I was quite frustrated that our 4 - 6 week follow up had been booked for 14 weeks later and that I felt that it was unacceptable. She told me we were on the cancellation list and that was all they could do for us. No apologies, no empathy, no understanding. Thankfully a few weeks later we did in fact get an appointment time sooner, for November 3, 2014.

In the meantime I had spoken to my family Dr.. Last December he had referred me to a Gastroentologist but I had not heard anything since. I updated him on what I knew from the surgery (which wasn't much) and asked if we could pursue the referral. He assured me he would look into the referral and either get me into the Dr. where the referral was made or make a new one elsewhere. Two days later I was given an appointment for October 6, 2014 with the specialist. I contacted the nurse through my Fertility clinic and asked her to forward my Laparoscopy results in time for the appointment. Even though she told me she would, it was not done. The Gastroentologist asked me questions about the Laparoscopy and all I could tell him was that the Dr. had commented on bowels. I wished I could remember what he said and whether or not it had been an observation or just speculation! I emailed the nurse again and asked her to send the results to the specialist ASAP, she again told me she would however, when I followed up with the Gastroentolgists office a couple weeks later I was informed that they had not yet received anything.

The Dr. through the Fertility clinic has been very personable and kind. The staff (overall) have been great as well. However, everything I have experienced over the last couple months has me wanting to find another Fertility clinic. Even if this Dr. is great, if he is so overbooked that individuals are not being seen in a timely manner, then it significantly impacts client care. Also, if test results are not being sent to where they need to go, especially after being told they would, then how much confidence would I have in them for other things? We are not sure yet what we are going to do, at this point our follow up is only a week away so I think we are going to go and hear what they have to say and then make our decision. So in the meantime we wait .... The overall theme of this journey.