So that's what we did. We kept trudging along like we always do. I actually felt as though there was not as much pressure on us since I wasn't overly optimistic it would work anyways. I asked myself if maybe that's what people called 'not trying'. Since so many people told us that if we 'stopped trying' then we'd get pregnant, I wondered if this could really work (yes conflicting with my not being optimistic but nobody said it had to make any sense!).
We'll fast forward the ovulation time for I am sure no-one really wants to hear about our sex life (anymore than is already being shared, lol). So now we've come to waiting for AF (Aunt Flow). I was expecting AF to arrive, like it always does, and was just looking forward to finally getting some answers and looking at next steps at our upcoming appointment. Well, CD (cycle day) 27 came and nothing had happened. This is significant for me because I tend to spot one to two days prior to AF and I have been pretty much like clock work with getting AF on CD 27. I was curious what my body was doing however, I still was not too hopeful for there have been a few occasions (in the past couple years) that I have gotten AF on CD 28. CD 29 the absolute latest. So I waited. On CD 29 there was still no signs that AF was arriving so I decided to take a pregnancy test.
It was negative or BFN (Big Fat Negative) as we like to call it in the infertile world. Part of me was thinking that I was just going to be late and that I shouldn't get my hopes up while another part of me said that false negative can happen. It is always the balance of wanting to be hopeful while also wanting to be realistic and protect myself from pain. I decided to wait it out yet again, I told myself that I would wait until the weekend, and that if I still had not seen any signs then I would test again. In the evening of CD 30 (Friday), I had some bleeding when I went for a bowel movement (TMI I know), but then it went away. There was no more spotting or any other signs. I woke up the next morning and still nothing! So took another pregnancy test ... BFN! By now it was soo frustrating because I had no clue what was going on. I have never been this late before! If I wasn't pregnant then where was AF?? About an hour after being awake I went for another bowel movement and yet again had more bleeding, which went away right after. I looked it up (Yes, I Googled it!) and this is something that is not unheard of in early pregnancy so I continued to wait. ... To be hopeful or not to be hopeful that is the struggle. I think I have said it before but the waiting game is one of the hardest parts of this journey, not knowing either way and being in limbo.
Well, I finally got my answer several hours later. With massive stomach cramps and a heavy flow to boot. I honestly really should have known better. It was too good to be true, to actually think that I could have been pregnant. My original thoughts, that this wouldn't work on our own, should have stayed with me from the get go but I am human. It is so hard not to be hopeful even if we want to keep it at arms length. The thing that makes me feel the stupidest is that the previous day I had actually been talking to my stomach on the way to work. I told our hypothetical 'little bean' that we loved it already so much even though we didn't yet know if it was real. I told it all about our dog and cat and what our family was like. I asked it to just 'hang in there' so that we could meet it. I allowed myself to feel happy, feel as though this could really be a possibility and when AF reared her ugly face, I felt really stupid for it. But I know I would do it again, over and over because that is what this journey does to you. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.
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