The Journey that is My Pregnancy

As far as pregnancies go I was quite lucky (from what I hear). No morning sickness and overall minimal symptoms. Now typically people would have been relieved by that, but unfortunately no symptoms can also heighten fears and anxieties, especially after having bleeding episodes (I believe in my last post I had commented on having one bleeding episode, well that turned into 4 in total between weeks 5 and 9). By week 13 I was so consumed with anxiety that I was thinking almost every day or every other day that the baby was dead. Each new thing or new step worried me, I constantly feared that I would cause harm to the baby. Progesterone was to be stopped at week 12, and even though I knew so many other women had stopped their medications much earlier in the pregnancy and everything turned out fine, it still caused me huge anxiety. Taking those meds every day was after all the only piece of control I had. I was also reintroducing foods since I had been on the full Paleo diet. Trimester 2 was the introduction of dairy and I actually worried that something bad would happen if I ate cheese or had a yogurt. I know, not very rationale but the mind does play tricks on you! 

 I told myself early on in the pregnancy that I would not buy a home Doppler, but my constant fears took over so I decided to get one. For me, it was the best decision ever! I knew it could take awhile to find the baby's heartbeat and I used a suggestion to try looking after the midwife had found it (that way if I couldn't find it, it wouldn't be as stressful). Each time I started to get anxious and worried about the baby I would use the Doppler and just hearing the heartbeat reassured me.  I also had an anterior placenta (at the front of the uterus instead of the back)  and therefore I wouldn't be able to feel the baby move until much later than a person with a posterior placenta, so just waiting to feel the baby for reassurance was not an option. At about 21 weeks, once I finally started to feel the baby's movements I no longer needed the Doppler regularly and only used it once in awhile. There is a lot of criticism on the use of Dopplers and although yes I agree it is not a diagnostic tool and therefore if something is wrong it is best to contact your care provider, I do feel that for someone like me, that had absolutely no reason to worry but constantly did, it was a life saver and actually reduced my anxiety. 

I had a great midwife and was glad I had chosen that route, if I called and asked for a check in she would accommodate me and she was super sensitive and empathetic to my fears. She actually told us several times that it is quite common to have more anxiety/fears after suffering with infertility so it was great knowing that she 'got it' and validated our feelings. We not only worried about loosing our baby, we were also worried about the time and money it could potentially take us to get pregnant again since it had already taken us 3 1/2 years and around $30,000, it was quite daunting just thinking about
it. 

So we had scan after scan (12 week test to rule out any potential complications and then our anatomy scan at 20 weeks) and everything was coming back clear, indicating a strong and healthy baby. More and more I started to relax, was slowly able to enjoy the pregnancy and plan for the future. I stopped worrying that something bad was going to happen and started to envision how the birth was going to happen. I was getting excited to feel the baby growing inside of me and getting to experience the later stages of pregnancy.  All of that changed when I went for a routine scan at 29 weeks. Typically one would not have this extra scan but since I am plus sized they weren't able to estimate growth so wanted a scan to make sure everything was still going well, turns out that that was a blessing in disguise. It was discovered that my cervix was open and the baby's feet were right at the top of my cervix, known as a footling breech. The ultrasound technician consulted with the Radiologist who broke the news to us. He suggested that I get in touch with my Midwife asap, which I did. We met at the hospital and she consulted with an OB on call. The plan was that they were going to send me to McMaster which is a high risk pregnancy hospital however, the OB did his examinations and declared that my cervix was not open and that everything was in fact fine. I asked my midwife how I could have gone from completely open to completely closed and she told me that sometimes the ultrasound machine can distort images and having an internal exam was more accurate. We made a plan for me to return the following week for a follow up ultrasound and then we would go from there. The OB suggested I take one day off and return to activities as normal but my midwife told me to take the rest of week off and relax. The next day I received a phone call from my family Dr. who had reviewed my ultrasound results and was concerned. She told me that I was at high risk of preterm labour and wanted me to get a second opinion. So that's what I did. I had my midwife make a referral to McMaster Hospital as opposed to waiting for the follow up appointment. I told her that although I knew we had a plan in place I just wanted this referral for a second opinion and piece of mind. The day I was to return to my local hospital I actually went to McMaster to have my consultation. They brought me into a separate ultrasound area with a higher quality machine and as soon as the technician told us that she was going to get the Dr. to review something on the screen I knew that something was wrong. I was supposed to go to the clinic to review the results but they ended up transferring me to Labour and Delivery so I that I could be assessed much sooner. The Dr. came in completed an internal exam and said 'Okay, so your cervix is open, you are 4cm dilated and the baby's feet are right on top of the cervix so you're going to be staying with us until this baby is born'.  At that moment I was grateful that we had gone for the second opinion! I was also very angry with the OB at my local hospital who told me that everything was fine when in fact it wasn't. I couldn't get into that though or think about it for I had to focus on myself and the baby and I was just relieved that nothing serious had happened (like a breech delivery of a preterm baby in a small town hospital that does not have the facilities to manage). 

I spent the night in labour and delivery for they expected me to have the baby at any time. At this point I was only 30 weeks into the pregnancy so they gave me steriod shots to help the baby's lung development. Since I had no signs of labour and my cervix just opened I was diagnosed with an Incompetent Cervix (An incompetent cervix, also called a cervical insufficiency, is a condition that occurs when weak cervical tissue causes or contributes to premature birth or the loss of an otherwise healthy pregnancy - Mayo clinic). I feel lucky that this was caught though, and in the third trimester where the baby definitely had a better chance for an early arrival, for most cases of IC are found after a second trimester loss. After a night in labour and delivery with no signs of delivery they moved me to a high risk ward. It was emotional, I wasn't able to be home with my husband or dog and we had no idea how long I would have to stay there. The hope was that I would be there for the long haul since that would be in the best interest of the baby. I was prepared to be there for as long as it took, I didn't go through everything I had to give up or start thinking about myself. I had a couple emotional days but I had great family and friends who dropped by to visit or called to keep me occupied and entertained. My husband and sister in law also made a couple visits with the dog so that I could get some cuddles in (he was in the front of the hospital and my husband would bring me down in a wheelchair to visit him). I wasn't really allowed to leave the ward so the 2 visits I had with the dog were to be quick and we had to know what to do in the event that my water broke while I was outside. I was allowed to use the washroom, take a shower, and occasionally fill up my water bottle in the kitchen but overall I needed to lay in bed. They had explained to me that my lining was also very thin so the worry was that weight of the baby would cause my water to break, and since we were trying to keep the baby in there for as long as possible I had to keep pressure off of my cervix. At each nurse's shift change I was asked what to do in the event that my water broke, it was my mantra for the time I was there "ass in the air, face down, call for help, and get to Labour and Delivery asap!". As amusing as it was, it was also scary as hell!! I would get anxiety going for a shower worrying that my water could break at any second! For anyone on bed rest, Netflix will be your best friend! I watched so many different TV series and movies, it was great to pass the time and keep my mind occupied, although I was only really half watching most of the time. I also was crocheting different projects for our baby.

Although I knew we were at the best hospital, and that they deal with preterm babies everyday (so much so that the joke when I came in was that we were considered full term for them at 30 weeks), I was incredibly worried about our baby. I wanted to hang on as long possible to give our little peanut the best chance possible but I also wanted the baby out right away because I feared that the longer we held on the more risk I was putting the baby in. With the baby being a footling breech there were increased risk factors if were a vaginal birth, such as the cord wrapping around the baby's neck. At 12am, the evening on my 33rd week my water broke, it was not the scary 'rush to L&D' I had imagined so I was grateful for that! I had gone in for my routine stress test (I had to go twice a day during my stay to monitor any possible contractions), returned to my room at 11pm. Just after midnight I had woken to use the washroom and noticed a little bit of bleeding. The nurse sent me back to labour and delivery for monitoring and they told me that they could not see any reason for the bleeding and I had no signs of contractions. They told me they would keep me for a couple of hours and then send me back to the ward if nothing changed. At just after 2am that change happened! My water broke, it actually broke higher up so it was a trickle as opposed to a gush, so even though I had to go for an emergency c-section we had a bit of time to get prepared. I called my husband and told him that tonight was the night we were going to have a baby. He asked if I wanted him to come down (he had been staying with his sister who lived a short distance away), to which I said that would be a good idea. It was quite humorous having that discussion with a half asleep person. It was scary as hell but also exciting to finally find out what the sex of our baby was and meet him or her! My husband nearly passed out while we were waiting for all of the preparations to be made. I think the adrenaline of everything happening and his only have had a couple hours of sleep had gotten to him. While the Anesthesiologist was talking to us he got very pale and declared he wasn't feeling well. The nurses called for help and people were running from everywhere and then they were declaring 'it's the dad, it's the dad'. It was actually too funny, poor guy! They gave him some juice and he sat on the floor and soon he was back to himself. In my head I was cursing him though, thinking he needed to be there for me and the baby and that we couldn't deal with this, but outwardly I was telling him to take it easy and if he needed to sit outside of the OR then I understood completely and to not have any guilt about it. Thankfully he didn't need to do that and recuperated. 

I will share that I had a horrible epidural experience! It took a very long time for the anesthesiologist to get the epidural in, we had to break a couple of times and at one point the Resident Dr. I had been dealing with said that another option was that they could put me out, which I was almost ready to accept! But, we plowed through and got it done, unfortunately with a considerable amount of pain. Once my husband was allowed in the room things were better. Not to mention that the epidural had kicked in so I could no longer feel the pain. I had told the nurses that I wanted my husband to tell me the sex of the baby and they respected our wishes. The nurse on our side of the curtain looked at the baby and then whispered in my husband's ear and then he told me IT'S A BOY!!! I didn't get to see the baby because they took him right over to the table to do his measurements and assess him and since he was a preemie they had to whisk him away to hook him up to the CPAP and get him some breathing assistance. His nurse lifted him up for me, from the other side of the room, so that I could at least see him, and my husband had shown me some pictures that he had taken since he had been able to see him while he was being assessed. I thought that it was actually pretty cool that they even let him cut the umbilical cord.

It was a few hours later that I was able to see our little guy for the first time. My heart melted! It was really hard seeing him in the incubator though, all hooked up to the CPap with other tubes everywhere. At that time we had not had an update as to how he was doing other than he hadn't required oxygen, just the Cpap for the time being. He was on a tube for feedings for babies do not learn how to breathe, suck, and swallow until around 35/36 weeks gestation, which was very interesting to learn. A day after he was born he also became jaundiced so he needed to be under the bilirubin lights for a couple of days. They had tried him off of the Cpap but he was working too hard on breathing so they put him back on. On our 5th day in the NICU we got fantastic news, our baby boy was doing so well he was going to be transferred to a level 2 NICU closer to home, this meant he didn't need all the bells and whistles of a level 1 NICU. He would remain in the hospital for monitoring due to being on caffeine to stimulate his breathing (we joked that he was already a coffee addict and he was getting his daily espresso shot). Before he was transferred to the new hospital they were able to take him off of the Cpap and he remained off and he didn't require the bilirubin lights any longer. I was quite emotional with the transfer. I was soo happy that he would be closer to home and that I could finally be back in my own bed after a month however, leaving him in the hospital to go home was harder than I thought it would be. I had a few melt downs and felt so guilty for leaving him. People tried to be supportive and told me to rest and relax as much as possible while he wasn't home, but that wasn't really helpful for me. After all we had been through I wanted nothing more than to be with my baby. I wanted the new baby snuggles and cuddles and I just wanted him to be home with us. Also, I was pumping every 3 hours to try and stimulate my milk production so I was only getting 2 1/2 hours of rest in between pumping sessions, not much relaxing going on there. When he turned exactly 35 weeks gestation he latched on the breast which was a wonderful feeling! I hadn't been able to pump much those first couple weeks so we were hopeful that once he started latching my milk production would start to pick up. He also started taking a bottle well and feeds got better and better. We were initially told to expect him to be in the hospital until his due date, then we were told 37 weeks corrected due to the caffeine, they would not stop it until 36 weeks and then he needed a week of monitoring. Well, they stopped the caffeine at 35 weeks which meant we got to go home a week earlier than expected! The whole time I just kept thinking that he truly was our strong little man! He had done so well and continued to prosper regardless of being evicted from my body early. As emotional as everything was he was doing well and did not have any major health issues.



My milk never did come in. I tired pumping, feeding, medications, foods, supplements, you name it I tried it. I was told that having a premature baby, a c-section, and exclusively pumping all could impact milk production and I had all 3 going against me. I gave it a good run and tried for nearly 3 months before I finally gave up. Since we were feeding him every 3 hours I was only getting an hour to myself, if that, by the time I did everything. I was starting to resent the process and him and I didn't want that, so we made the decision to exclusively formula feed him. I would joke that my body didn't want to get pregnant, then it didn't want to stay pregnant, and then it didn't want to feed our child, so what more should I expect. However, deep down I was sad. I am truly blessed with this beautiful, perfect baby that we have, but I missed out on the third trimester of my pregnancy. I missed out on maternity pictures. Although I had been breastfeeding him I felt that as though I missed out on the true experience because I wasn't able to give him what he needed. I was angry with my body for failing me over and over. It's a grieving process and I definitely went through it. Having said that though, I would do it all over again! I love being a mom, I love seeing his smile and hearing his coos. I love being able to calm him after he has been crying. I love the cuddles while he is sleeping because he won't sleep in his crib. I love it all. It was super scary, stressful, and emotional, but I love the outcome that we have. We now know that I have this problem and my next pregnancy will be closely monitored by a high risk team, and yes, I am already envisioning my next pregnancy. We have 5 embryos frozen and have every intention of trying again! We have had people ask if we'd 'stop' after all of this and my answer is 'hell no!' I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids, and with age and the financial means to pay for the embryo transfers that may not be in the cards for us, but we will try again and see what happens!

Will I be able to enjoy this pregnancy?

So for the first four days I was soo excited about this pregnancy. Planned the nursery and envisioning the babies out in the world with us, but then the fears started to kick in. Could this really be happening? What if something goes wrong? I have chosen to remain on the Paleo diet because I felt that it had helped us thus far and it was recommended that I continue with it by a Midwife, but what if it wasn't enough?

The real fears didn't kick in until Christmas Day. We had traveled to my in-laws for Christmas. We did the trip in two days because I had to work until 5pm on Christmas Eve, which got us to their house Christmas Day. Everything was seeming fine until I got to their house and used the washroom. There was a some dark blood, more than spotting but less than a full period. This worried me because not 2 1/2 hours earlier I had gone to the washroom and there was nothing. Also, I was bleeding more when I wiped. I couldn't stop crying because I was so worried that we were miscarrying and I knew if I didn't get it checked out it would ruin our whole day. My in laws had put their Christmas morning on hold for us but we had to hold off for a little while longer because we decided to go to the hospital. 

Now, note to self, do not go to a small town hospital in the middle of nowhere, on Christmas Day. They had an ultrasound technician on call but she didn't want to go in unless there was a bigger emergency because at 5 weeks there was a chance that you may not be able to see anything anyways. I understand this completely and know that at such an early stage there is not much that could be done but let me tell you, the Dr. could have found some more compassionate ways to say that, or even just suggest that we monitor the situation and to come back if it gets worse. Instead I get 'well if you are miscarrying there isn't a whole lot we can do for you anyways', and 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again'. Gee thanks Doc who has my IVF history in your hands and who can visibly see me crying out of fear and worry. I do have to say though that the nurse we met was wonderful, very compassionate and empathetic, so that made it a little better. 

We decided to go home (back to my in-laws) and just wait things out and hope for the best. I had also emailed my midwives (prior to going to the hospital but after not hearing back we decided to go in for peace of mind), and she responded telling me what to watch out for in case of a miscarriage. I was grateful for the detail because then I knew what to watch out for. She provided much more detail than the hospital and put my mind to ease a bit, which is what I needed to be able to continue on with my day. I kept telling myself that maybe I was just overreacting and that everything was going to be okay. A mantra that got me through the next few days. 

My in-laws were great. They encouraged me to rest as much as possible and we were able to enjoy our Christmas visit. I continued to bleed but this time it was more of a spotting than a heavy bleed, although I did notice the more activity I did the more there was. For instance I had gone to the store with my sister in laws and noticed there was more bleeding when I returned. 

I made my husband drive the longer way home because I had myself convinced that the gravel road that we were on for about an hour, the last part of our drive, had contributed to the bleeding. I didn't want to risk that again and therefore I wanted to avoid that road at all costs! Thankfully we decided to take the trip in two days again so we weren't in a rush to get the hotel and could go the longer way. 

I decided to follow up with the clinic to see if they would get me in sooner for an ultrasound or whether they felt I didn't have anything to worry about. Thankfully they scheduled me for an ultrasound the day after we returned. We have one baby on board and the nurse shared that they detected a heartbeat and that everything was looking good! She suggested that I rest, especially if I start spotting again and they booked me in for a follow up ultrasound to make sure everything is continuing to go well. 

I felt reassured since having had the ultrasound and knowing that we have a little bean hanging on in there. I am also happier that as I write this I am now three days without spotting and can only hope that I don't experience that again! But I am still scared. I am still worried that anything can happen at any time and we may not be able to take this little bean home. I feel like I have something overshadowing us and our happiness, a metaphorical ball that can drop at any moment. Through discussions with other ladies who have also struggled I think these feelings are normal. For someone who has had multiple losses or struggled for a long time the fear and anxiety is more heightened. The thought of miscarrying after three and half years, two IVFs and an FET, not to mention the other treatments and tests, is devastating! The thought that it may take us that long to conceive again, if it ever does happen. Well, you get the idea. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts going on. 

I know I can't allow myself to get caught in the fear and anxieties and I have to try and enjoy as much of this experience as I can. We have already started looking at baby furniture and strollers and doing what any newly expectant parents would do even though we have this shadow over our heads. We will try to embrace each moment as it comes because we know that it can be taken from us at any moment. 

I will try to update my blog now and then with updates on my pregnancy and the baby because I want to be contentious of the many people on my social media sites that are currently struggling. I may share things here and there but I don't want to overload people with updates.  

Results are In

*Trigger warning for those currently struggling with infertility.* 

December 18, 2015. A day like any other day, except it wasn't any other day. It was the day that we were going to find out whether or not our second IVF attempt worked or failed. I didn't know what to think. Part of me didn't have any hope because, well every other treatment we've done hadn't worked, so why should this one, but then there was another part of me that really felt that this could be our time. Every other treatment cycle I had started to spot a day or two before the beta. I had always told myself that it hadn't meant anything, but it always did, failure. This time, I hadn't experienced any of that. 

I was soo emotional driving to the clinic and then in to work. I was talking to the little embryos inside me telling them all about the life they would have if only they would give us a chance. I was crying off and on, so hopeful that it worked, and so fearful that it didn't. The few hours that I had to wait until I received the call with the news was going to be the longest ever!

It was 1:06pm when the clinic called. I didn't know if I should answer the call or if I should let it go to VM and then wait until I got home and listened to it with my husband. My answer came when the phone rang, I couldn't wait another several hours to know the results, so I answered it. The nurse said 'Congratulations, you're pregnant!'. My 1st beta level was 265. I couldn't believe it! I started crying out of joy!

The first call I made was to my BFF. It was her birthday and she told me that all she wanted for us to be pregnant. It was so amazing being able to share that news for once. For nearly 3 1/2 years I heard about everyone else's BFP but it never happened to me, I only got to share sad news. 

I had come out of my office, and due to the tears on my face and obvious elation, my co-workers were now aware of our good news and had asked if I had told my husband. No, I hadn't, because I just couldn't imagine sharing that news with him over the phone. I wanted to be there to see his reaction and share that moment with him. So my coworkers encouraged me to leave and go home and celebrate with my husband. 

On my way home I stopped by a store and picked up a Willow Tree Ornament that was a 'New Dad'. I had it wrapped and brought it home. I walked in the door and he asked me right away why I was home early. I told him that I couldn't stop crying so I wanted to come home and then I told him that I got him a gift, which I wanted him to open. Of course he wasn't interested in the gift and kept asking me questions, he asked if the results were negative and I nodded my head (which he hated me for but it was worth the surprise!). He turned and gave me a hug and then I told him to open his gift because 'everyone needs a little pick me up'. He opened up the gift, looked at me and said 'you're shitting me?'. I started crying again and nodded my head yes ... We were going to be parents! Finally!! It was wonderful to be able to share that moment with him. We called our immediate families to share the news and hubby was fine with sharing our news with extended family and friends but he wanted to wait until after our second beta just make sure that it was a viable pregnancy. 

December 20, 2015 we went for our second beta and were soo elated when the nurse called to tell us that our levels rose to 525, just shy of doubling. So our announcement went out! Now, in all truthfulness the dog is not as excited about this as we are but we are hoping he will grow to love this baby as much as we already do. 

More Tests and IVF #2

So it has been awhile since I last posted. I had thought about it many times, even had some posts outlined in my head, but of course as time went on I just never got down to it.

A lot has gone on in the past few months we did a bunch of testing, I changed my diet and we moved forward with our 2nd IVF. Let me start at the beginning though ...

As I mentioned in my previous post I was going to go for an MRI and a Hysteroscopy/biopsy of my uterus. Frustratingly both of those tests came back negative. All that was found on the MRI was that I had developed a cyst, so I had to go for another ultrasound to ensure that it had gone away on its own. So from there we moved forward with the Immune Testing. The results were interesting, it showed that my levels were abnormal however, they were on the low side and they only treat it if they are on the high side. I was feeling defeated because yet again we didn't have any answers. Everything was coming back negative or normal (or abnormal and not treatable) but I knew that my body wasn't normal because we had yet to get pregnant! I had started looking up different options such as adoption and surrogacy because at this point I thought that our chances of getting pregnant were slim. I could not shake this feeling that it was just not going to happen for us but I was prepared to move forward regardless.

I kept up the Paleo diet and from late July to October I lost about 20-25 pounds. I also had noticed an overall improvement in my chronic pain, so that was a bonus as well! There were a few weeks of stress with the testing and not getting results back in time (it took about 3 - 4 weeks to get the Immune Results back and it was only supposed to take a week), so I had several cheats here an there between October and November.

During this waiting time the Provincial Government announced that they will be adding funding for another 5,000 individuals/couples to receive IVF starting in December 2015. Although we were super excited about this and feel that the program is going to be essential for many couples, we didn't want to wait before we moved forward. I had fears that, like every new program, there were going to be bumps along the road and I didn't want to have to wait any longer than we already had to move forward. The clinic didn't have any information and there were no guidelines in place how the clinics were supposed to manage the wait lists so that added to the apprehension. We also felt that if this attempt failed then we always had the funding to fall back on. So with support from family and friends we moved forward with our second IVF at the end of November.

As soon as we made the decision to proceed I made sure to go back on my diet 100%. I didn't want anything to jeopardize this cycle and wanted to do everything I could to make it as successful as possible. I continued to see my Naturopath and we planned to do Acupuncture to increase the blood flow to the uterus. I went a week before retrieval and then the plan was to go back the day before, day of, and the day after transfer. My Fertility Dr. had requested that I start taking Vitamin D 4,000IUs, and Vitamin E 400IUs on top of the stimming medications which he had also increased the dose of. The first few days on the medications (gonal-f) I was sick. I had nausea, a massive headache, upset stomach, and overall just felt like crap. After a slight adjustment of the meds the side effects dissipated and I started to feel better.

I was also was seeing a counselor, mainly to assist with other stressors in my life but it had been good timing when the cycle started. The one comment that he made which I thought was very interesting - considering the number one comment those dealing with infertility is 'relax' - was that I was an emotional mess when talking about my other stressors however, when going through the cycle and preparing for the retrieval I was quite calm, centered and cheery. He noted this and felt that since IVF was a super stressful experience he was expecting more of an emotional roller coaster from me. It was an emotional roller coaster, and the early mornings to the clinic and waiting to get the call to go in for the retrieval was anxiety provoking, but I it was manageable. I was actually dealing with my infertility better than I was dealing with other crap in my life.

December 3, 2015 we went in for our retrieval. Got my lucky socks, cute little penguins, and just hoped for the best. Well, we got the best news! Out of the 10 eggs they retrieved this time, ALL 10 fertilized!! Our first IVF we only had 5 that fertilized. We anxiously waited for updates and I called in a couple times to check on them and each time all 10 were still growing. It was absolutely amazing news!!.

December 8, 2015 we returned to the clinic for our 5 Day transfer. We also got an update as to how our little embryos were doing - out of the 10 we had, 7 of them made it to day 5! In fact all 10 were still growing as of the day before and unfortunately 3 had stopped growing overnight. We were floored with that news!! Out of the 5 fertilized for our first IVF we only had 3 that made it to day 5 so we had more than a 50% increase!! Our Dr. decided to transfer two embryos again since we had more than 5 and due to the fact that we have not had good luck in the past with the transfers being successful. I told him that I wasn't going to argue with him this time and would take his recommendation, which he just laughed at. Maybe those lucky socks were working after all!! Hubby made sure I wore them to the transfer as well :)

Now, a funny story about the first night the embabies were settling in, a little TMI but you should be used to that with my blogs by now! Just before going in for the transfer I was suffering with some bad constipation. I had gotten myself so worried that the transfer was going to be cancelled because of it. Thankfully it wasn't, and my nurse suggested a couple different things to help things along, such as prune juice, eating dates, and taking sennokot or docusate sodium. Now, what I would NOT recommend to anyone is taking all that advice in one day. Let's just say that it worked and it was not a pretty scene at all! I again was worried that I had jeopardized the embryos and started worrying that this IVF was going to fail because of my 'incident' (as it is being called in my support group). So we strapped in and continued the dreaded two week wait.

                                         

Sometimes Comments Hurt.

So it’s been awhile since my last blog post a lot has gone on, but not all related to our fertility journey.

In May we moved forward with our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and unfortunately this failed as well. To be honest I was actually expecting this since we hadn’t had any success thus far. It was also a way I could protect myself. I had gotten my hopes up so high for our IVF, actually felt it had worked. The failure was too much for me, so I had to stay impartial this time in order to protect my mental health. Funnily enough my Naturopathic Dr. actually supported this, for I wasn’t on an emotional roller coaster, I was more regulated, which is a lot better for the body! My feeling that it wasn’t going to work did soften the blow a bit, but the devastation was still there. We just couldn’t understand why, what keeps going wrong and why we haven’t had any success yet?

I wrote on my personal Facebook page about the continual disappointments and then I had someone private message me, saying that they knew a couple people that tried to get pregnant and were unsuccessful until they went on vacation and then found themselves pregnant due to being in complete ‘relaxation mode’… Ugh! These kind of messages truly irritate me! I know people mean well but this shows me that they have never read any of the information I have posted (and trust me, I post a lot!) … ‘relaxation’ is not a cure for infertility, it just helps people cope with it. Through our three years of struggling we have paid close to $15,000 on medical procedures to assist us with getting pregnant and we work closely with a medical Dr., a specialist in this field, but please go on about how a vacation (which we can no longer afford), will help our situation. Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people just saying ‘I am sorry for what you are going through’, or ‘that’s shitty’… I am not looking for anyone to solve my problems by venting, I am looking for support. I am looking for an outlet so that I can keep my own sanity and not fall into a further depression. I need to release my emotions, I need to talk, and honestly I find my sharing and venting to be very therapeutic for me, for it takes it off my mind even if only for a short time.

My cousin got married, which was super exciting!! While at a BBQ at my Aunt’s the day after the wedding one of my Uncle’s kept asking the bride and groom when they would start popping out babies. I said nothing, although I wanted to scream at him to shut up. The next morning I told my parents how I felt people needed to stop saying things like that because they don’t know what the couple’s situation was like. They may have already started trying, or may know that they have medical conditions which could make it challenging. There was a little defensiveness from them. They told me that people don’t mean anything by the comments and therefore I shouldn’t educate everyone, I should just let it go. My dad told me that people will never get it and that it was pointless for me to try to educate them. He then looked at me and said that he has heard that if people ‘relax’, he’s heard it can help with fertility. I was flabbergasted when he said this. My own father. Obviously never having read any educational materials I posted nor any of my blog posts. I asked him if he had read my blog and he told me he hadn’t. We have been struggling to conceive for 3 years, I have poured my heart out to my parents about my thoughts and feelings and written several blog posts going into more depth and this was the ‘support’ I was getting? ”Don’t bother educating people and ‘relax’”. I just got up and went up to my room and started crying. I was so hurt not only by his comments, but his lack of consideration for my feelings. I get that my parents are from a different time and that they couldn’t possibly understand what I am going through, but you always have this idea that they would support you no matter what and do whatever they could to understand what you are going through. Now, I know that my dad was not intentionally trying to be inconsiderate of my feelings and he definitely was not trying to hurt my feelings, he is not that kind of man, but it is because of reasons just as this, that I am a STRONG advocate for speaking up and educating. People don’t mean to be hurtful or inconsiderate but they are. I feel it is important to educate people about what you are going through and what you find helpful and supportive so that they can be more considerate and helpful to the next person they encounter dealing with a similar problem. When I was sharing these feelings to a friend of mine she brought up a good point, one that I also shared but hadn't been able to voice. Why do I have to be protective, or learn to be sensitive to other's feelings but they don't have to be protective or learn to be sensitive to mine?  

We moved at the end of June/beginning of July. The move itself was a good thing! Due to my chronic pain issues I was struggling with stairs and we felt that being in a bungalow would be better, especially when we did have kids. We spent time painting and getting the house ready before moving our belongings in, it was long and exhausting, but I what I hadn’t anticipated was the wave of sorrow I would also feel. There were several times that I had the urge to cry because I kept thinking about the empty bedroom we would have. When we first purchased this home in January I was so hopeful that when we moved in we would be painting a nursery as well, but of course this was not the case. It was hard, and since our in laws were down I kept the emotions hidden and just tried to push myself in other ways in order to keep myself busy. It didn’t help that a few days after we moved I got my period, which was painful as hell!!! Ever since the IVF and FET failed I have had tremendous cramps which have landed me in bed with a heating pad and feeling nauseous. This day was no different and it took a few hours for me to start feeling like I could move again. We spent the day running some errands and then that night we went out for dinner since it was my in-laws last day with us. With the luck I have, of course the table next to us had an infant who wouldn’t stop fussing and crying. Normally I just shut it out and pretend it’s not there, focusing on the people I am with. I put up a hard shell, not to be a cold hearted bitch who hates kids, but to protect myself from crying. But it was more challenging this time because my in-laws kept coo-ing the baby and giving us a play by play of what the issues were ‘it was too hot’, or ‘it’s playing’. More and more it was getting harder and harder to see/hear. Part of me felt the pang that my in-laws wanted a grandchild and I could not give them that, and another was the pang that my ovaries were screaming in pain and I just wanted to ignore the kid and I wasn’t able to. I know it wasn’t intentional but it affected me so much that I first cried in the washroom and then again at the table. I buried my head in my tea, not saying a word and just hoped that we would be leaving soon. How could I tell my in-laws to stop talking about the kid at the next table, or smiling at him? As much as it hurt, I know that would have been worse …

                I am not bringing up these experiences to point fingers and say ‘you hurt me’, I am bringing them up because they happen so frequently, not just to me, but to all of us struggling with infertility (really struggling with anything). We all cry ourselves to sleep and ache daily. The problem is though, we are told to ignore it and just ‘let it go’, but I don’t feel that is fair. People want us to be happy and healthy and yet we cannot say when something is hurting us. How are we to move on and heal when we are constantly bombarded with what is hurting us and we are not allowed to talk about it? Seems a little hypocritical to me. So, as much as I know this post is not going to be well received, I know it is a necessity. So often I see in support groups someone venting about what a family member, coworker, or friend said and how hurt or irritated they were by the comment. That is usually followed by a slew of comments with similar stories and irritants which is also followed by people saying how they are unable to express those emotions. They are unable to, even politely, share why the comment was hurtful to them. There are a few ladies who say that the comments don't bother them, or it does, but they just let it go, and honestly, I think that is great! But not everyone is able to do that unfortunately, and that is why education is so key! It is not to make the person feel bad for doing things 'wrong', it is about making them feel as though they are doing their best to support their loved one, by reading about what helps and hearing from that person directly. 

Where Do We Go From Here?

Of course after the failure of our IVF and FET we've been thinking a lot about what our options are and where to go from here. It's so hard not knowing what are 'problem' is!

I followed up with my Family Dr. regarding my thyroid, I do not have any abnormalities, and the Synthroid medication has brought my levels down to 2.6 so at this point everything seems fine. My adrenals and liver is being treated with supplements from my Naturopathic Dr. and both had suggested a diet to keep my thyroid levels down as well as well to treat my adrenals overall.

My Family Dr. had suggested a Mediterranean diet to follow and after a lot of research I decided that the best diet for me would be the Paleo. The Mediterranean diet has soy, which is actually not good for fertility and due to my fibromyalgia, trying to support my thyroid, and the infertility I felt the Paleo addressed all those issues. So far one week down and other than breaking out with acne due to the dietary change, it's been going well! The key for me is going to be making sure I am prepared ahead of time and can have different things and not eat the same thing over and over. 

Yesterday we met with our Fertility Dr. for a follow up to discuss our failures and the next steps. I can honestly say that I felt encouraged after leaving that appointment! We had a new diagnosis, well still unexplained and more to investigate, but we had something to go on. We have what is called Recurrent Implantation Failure. According to the Reproductive BioMedicine Online Journal this is defined as "failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after transfer of at least four good-quality embryos in a minimum of three fresh or frozen cycles in a woman under the age of 40 years". Our Dr. did point out that technically we fell short by one cycle however, due to our trying to conceive now for three years and we have not had one positive pregnancy test, he felt it was appropriate for us and he would rather move forward with more testing than to rush into another IVF cycle just to fit the criteria completely. He stated that we knew we could get embryos, good-quality ones. So right now our troubles have been after that point and with implantation. 

So our plan now is to have an MRI done of my Uterus to check for Adenomyosis. This is similar to Endometriosis but instead the endometrial tissue exists and grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. I will also be going for a Hysteroscopy and Biopsy to check the lining of my uterus. If these tests come back clear then we can move on to some Immune Issue testing. There are some tests that are being done in the United States (where all the tests would go to for processing) that checks to see if there is an issue with the NK (Natural Killer) cells. In a nutshell "NK cells are immune system cells that normally help the body fight infections... NK cells may be attacking the fetus as an invader." (from: Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in the UK). This particular testing is still in the early stages and people are only just becoming more aware of the role that the Immune System is playing in Fertility. 

I am hopeful that some of these tests are going to show something, but like I've said before there is a part of me that doesn't believe it because we haven't had any answers yet ... 

Here's to Moving Forward!! 

More Questions and Frustrations!

After the failure of our recent IVF I decided that I wanted to seek out a Naturopathic Dr. to see what they may recommend to assist with conception as well as for some support with my chronic pain issues.  I had gone to a Naturopath in the first year we started trying to conceive however, we moved to a new town and I started a new job so I ended up stopping the treatments. I did not find that they were helping me much in the few months I had been going however, I recognize that I had a lot going on at that time and therefore am willing to give it another shot (I'll try anything at this point if it will help!!).

Today I met with the Naturopath and we had a long discussion about my experiences with Infertility, our treatments, as well as my Fibromyalgia symptoms including Chronic Fatigue. The discussion soon moved to how a lot of what I was describing matched Hypothyroidism. According to the Naturopath I have clear cut symptoms and she recommended having my thyroid treated.

Now, the tricky part is that my TSH levels have been within the 'normal' range (under 4 is deemed normal in Canada - as per my nurse). When we first had the discussion of infertility with my Family Dr. my thyroid levels were 4.9 (at this time under 5 was deemed 'normal'). My Dr. explained to me that although I was in the normal range he felt that it was too high for those trying to conceive and therefore he would recommend to treat it. We didn't end up trialing any medication for we had just started with the Fertility Clinic and my Family Dr. felt that he would leave it with them to follow up on. Just before moving forward with IVF we sat down and talked to our Fertility Dr. and I asked him about my thyroid. He explained that my levels at the last check (March) was around 3.2 (or 3.8, I can't remember what he said!). and that based on this I was fine. I had shared with him that I had read that thyroid levels should be at 2.2 (or at least under 2.5) for trying to conceive and he told me that was true, but only for those who had issues with their thyroid. For me it was not a concern and as long as I remained under 4 then I was considered fine. So we moved forward with the IVF and it failed. With Unexplained Infertility I feel that it is more challenging only in the sense of not knowing what the cause is. My husband and I question everything and more and more I kept going back to the thyroid ... could there be something there? I kept letting  it go, because the Dr. had told me it was fine, but I couldn't fully get it out of my head. When I went in for blood work to start our FET (frozen embryo transfer) I got a call from the nurse stating that my thyroid had spiked and she requested that I go back for follow up blood work to recheck it. Turned out my blood work had gone up to 5. When I went back 2 days later she called and told me that it had gone down to 3.3 and therefore since it was back in the normal range it didn't need to be treated and we would continue to move forward with the cycle. I decided to get a copy of my blood work from the past couple of months to see where the levels have been sitting and now I am more concerned than ever. In March the TSH was at 3.2/3.8 (whatever the number was), in April it was 1.8, then in May it was 5, back down to 3.3, two days later. These are only snapshots from one day through my cycle but I am concerned that I have perhaps been fluctuating on and off throughout and it has gone undetected. I know the Dr. has said it's fine but that much fluctuation does not seem normal to me, even with stress present. Also, I feel that if stress was a contributor then April should have been higher because we just had 2 failed IUI's and were planning on moving on to IVF, which is incredibly freaking stressful!! May we were dealing with the loss of our cycle, although sad and stressful, I don't feel that it would have been more than what we were dealing with in April. I have 'Googled' a little bit about this (I know, I shouldn't be doing that!! But what else can I do??) and it sounds as though fluctuating TSH is common in a thyroid disorder called Hashimoto's disease. The TSH, although fluctuates, is typically in the normal range but the T3 and T4 ranges are the areas that are 'off' (apparently there are other factors related to the thyroid than just the TSH!). I contacted my nurse at the fertility clinic to discuss this, she said she would pass the info off to my Dr. but reiterated that they are not concerned due to my levels being in the normal range. I will be sure to follow up on this and I also booked an appointment with my family Dr. to discuss this further.

The second thing that came up with the Naturopath was the suspicion that I may also have a genetic mutation gene called MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydofolate Reductase Mutations). Apparently a lot of my chronic pain issues can also be linked to this gene mutation and in fact this mutation is very prevalent with Fibromyalgia sufferers. I have done a little bit of research about this gene mutation but there is so much info out there that it is hard to explain exactly what it is so I will include a couple of links for those that are interested (http://doctordoni.com/2014/04/folic-acid-and-mthfr-could-you-have-a-genetic-mutation.html;    http://wellnessmama.com/27148/mthfr-mutation/). If I wanted to get tested to see if I have this gene mutation then I would have to pay yet another $200 out of pocket to order a genetic testing kit online. If I do the same test through the Naturopath's office it would cost $450.

So there are more questions, there are more frustrations. Who do I believe? What do I do? At this point we have already paid nearly $15,000 for treatments so what is $200 more to see if I have this gene mutation? Both the MTHFR gene mutation and hypothyroidism could be contributing factors to infertility so I feel that I need to at least move forward with investigations. If it turns out that these are not affecting me then at least we'd know, and if they were affecting me, then we could get treatment which could help us to be successful! I was chatting with a friend earlier today and I said that a part of me feels that Unexplained Infertility is slightly worse only in the sense that there are no answers. There is no 'treatment' to move forward with because everything is a gamble, we don't know even know what the problem is. There are no guarantees that anything would work once we do have answers, but then I feel we would at least have the peace of mind of knowing what our issues are. So, we are currently moving forward with our FET and just hoping to find some answers along the way!