So it’s been awhile
since my last blog post a lot has gone on, but not all related to our fertility
journey.
In May we moved forward with our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and
unfortunately this failed as well. To be honest I was actually expecting this
since we hadn’t had any success thus far. It was also a way I could protect
myself. I had gotten my hopes up so high for our IVF, actually felt it had
worked. The failure was too much for me, so I had to stay impartial this time
in order to protect my mental health. Funnily enough my Naturopathic Dr.
actually supported this, for I wasn’t on an emotional roller coaster, I was
more regulated, which is a lot better for the body! My feeling that it wasn’t
going to work did soften the blow a bit, but the devastation was still there.
We just couldn’t understand why, what keeps going wrong and why we haven’t had
any success yet?
I wrote on my personal Facebook page about the continual disappointments
and then I had someone private message me, saying that they knew a couple
people that tried to get pregnant and were unsuccessful until they went on
vacation and then found themselves pregnant due to being in complete ‘relaxation
mode’… Ugh! These kind of messages truly irritate me! I know people mean well
but this shows me that they have never read any of the information I have
posted (and trust me, I post a lot!) … ‘relaxation’ is not a cure for
infertility, it just helps people cope with it. Through our three years of
struggling we have paid close to $15,000 on medical procedures to assist us
with getting pregnant and we work closely with a medical Dr., a specialist in
this field, but please go on about how a vacation (which we can no longer
afford), will help our situation. Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to
people just saying ‘I am sorry for what you are going through’, or ‘that’s
shitty’… I am not looking for anyone to solve my problems by venting, I am
looking for support. I am looking for an outlet so that I can keep my own
sanity and not fall into a further depression. I need to release my emotions, I
need to talk, and honestly I find my sharing and venting to be very therapeutic
for me, for it takes it off my mind even if only for a short time.
My cousin got married, which was super exciting!! While at a BBQ at my
Aunt’s the day after the wedding one of my Uncle’s kept asking the bride and
groom when they would start popping out babies. I said nothing, although I
wanted to scream at him to shut up. The next morning I told my parents how I
felt people needed to stop saying things like that because they don’t know what the
couple’s situation was like. They may have already started trying, or may know
that they have medical conditions which could make it challenging. There was a
little defensiveness from them. They told me that people don’t mean anything by
the comments and therefore I shouldn’t educate everyone, I should just let it
go. My dad told me that people will never get it and that it was pointless for
me to try to educate them. He then looked at me and said that he has heard that
if people ‘relax’, he’s heard it can help with fertility. I was flabbergasted
when he said this. My own father. Obviously never having read any educational
materials I posted nor any of my blog posts. I asked him if he had read my blog
and he told me he hadn’t. We have been struggling to conceive for 3 years, I
have poured my heart out to my parents about my thoughts and feelings and
written several blog posts going into more depth and this was the ‘support’ I
was getting? ”Don’t bother educating people and ‘relax’”. I just got up and went
up to my room and started crying. I was so hurt not only by his comments, but
his lack of consideration for my feelings. I get that my parents are from a
different time and that they couldn’t possibly understand what I am going
through, but you always have this idea that they would support you no matter
what and do whatever they could to understand what you are going through. Now,
I know that my dad was not intentionally trying to be inconsiderate of my
feelings and he definitely was not trying to hurt my feelings, he is not that
kind of man, but it is because of reasons just as this, that I am a STRONG
advocate for speaking up and educating. People don’t mean to be hurtful or
inconsiderate but they are. I feel it is important to educate people about what
you are going through and what you find helpful and supportive so that they can
be more considerate and helpful to the next person they encounter dealing with
a similar problem. When I was sharing these feelings to a friend of mine she brought up a good point, one that I also shared but hadn't been able to voice. Why do I have to be protective, or learn to be sensitive to other's feelings but they don't have to be protective or learn to be sensitive to mine?
We moved at the end of June/beginning of July. The move itself was a
good thing! Due to my chronic pain issues I was struggling with stairs and we
felt that being in a bungalow would be better, especially when we did have kids.
We spent time painting and getting the house ready before moving our belongings
in, it was long and exhausting, but I what I hadn’t anticipated was the wave of
sorrow I would also feel. There were several times that I had the urge to cry
because I kept thinking about the empty bedroom we would have. When we first
purchased this home in January I was so hopeful that when we moved in we would
be painting a nursery as well, but of course this was not the case. It was
hard, and since our in laws were down I kept the emotions hidden and just tried
to push myself in other ways in order to keep myself busy. It didn’t help that
a few days after we moved I got my period, which was painful as hell!!! Ever
since the IVF and FET failed I have had tremendous cramps which have landed me
in bed with a heating pad and feeling nauseous. This day was no different and it
took a few hours for me to start feeling like I could move again. We spent the
day running some errands and then that night we went out for dinner since it
was my in-laws last day with us. With the luck I have, of course the table next
to us had an infant who wouldn’t stop fussing and crying. Normally I just shut
it out and pretend it’s not there, focusing on the people I am with. I put up a
hard shell, not to be a cold hearted bitch who hates kids, but to protect
myself from crying. But it was more challenging this time because my in-laws
kept coo-ing the baby and giving us a play by play of what the issues were ‘it
was too hot’, or ‘it’s playing’. More and more it was getting harder and harder
to see/hear. Part of me felt the pang that my in-laws wanted a grandchild and I
could not give them that, and another was the pang that my ovaries were
screaming in pain and I just wanted to ignore the kid and I wasn’t able to. I
know it wasn’t intentional but it affected me so much that I first cried in the
washroom and then again at the table. I buried my head in my tea, not saying a
word and just hoped that we would be leaving soon. How could I tell my in-laws
to stop talking about the kid at the next table, or smiling at him? As much as
it hurt, I know that would have been worse …
I am not bringing up these
experiences to point fingers and say ‘you hurt me’, I am bringing them up because
they happen so frequently, not just to me, but to all of us struggling with infertility (really struggling with anything).
We all cry ourselves to sleep and ache daily. The problem is though, we are
told to ignore it and just ‘let it go’, but I don’t feel that is fair. People
want us to be happy and healthy and yet we cannot say when something is hurting
us. How are we to move on and heal when we are constantly bombarded with what
is hurting us and we are not allowed to talk about it? Seems a little hypocritical
to me. So, as much as I know this post is not going to be well received, I know
it is a necessity. So often I see in support groups someone venting about what a family member, coworker, or friend said and how hurt or irritated they were by the comment. That is usually followed by a slew of comments with similar stories and irritants which is also followed by people saying how they are unable to express those emotions. They are unable to, even politely, share why the comment was hurtful to them. There are a few ladies who say that the comments don't bother them, or it does, but they just let it go, and honestly, I think that is great! But not everyone is able to do that unfortunately, and that is why education is so key! It is not to make the person feel bad for doing things 'wrong', it is about making them feel as though they are doing their best to support their loved one, by reading about what helps and hearing from that person directly.
