It's been awhile since I have written a post! I've had a couple
people check in with me to see if everything was okay, and if I was going to
write something again soon (thanks for that!), but honestly I was not in the
right mind set. I had all of these ideas of what I wanted to write but I felt
that it was too dark and depressing
I guess I will catch you up on what has
been going on the past couple months. We started our first medicated cycle
which consisted of taking Letrozole (Femera) tablets from Day 3 to Day 7, and
then, when the follicles had grown enough (preferably over 20mm) and my blood
work indicated my levels were progressing well enough, I had to give myself a
shot of Ovidrel to induce ovulation. So in the meantime, it was back to the
clinic for more blood work and ultrasounds. I visited the clinic on Day 3, Day
9, Day 10 and Day 11. Thankfully I didn't have to go any longer
than that for three days in a row really takes a toll on
me! Initially it was a surprise when the nurse told me I had to give
myself a needle, I was not expecting that at all! When we met with the
Doctor and discussed next steps he didn't mention anything about having to have
a needle. The nurse explained that the needle often accompanies the tablets for
the Ovulation Induction (what they call the medicated cycles) to ensure that
ovulation occurs. It sounded as though the needle was a surprise for a lot of
couples because the Doctor often forgets to mention it...
When I gave myself the needle that first
time I was so nervous! My husband asked me if I wanted him to do it, but I felt
that it was something I needed to do on my own. I read all of the instructions
(and precautions) and 'stuck ‘er in there'. Now, I don’t have a fear of needles
per say, I just don’t particularly like them. It is so much easier to turn away
and 'go somewhere else' when someone else is giving it to you, not so much when
you are doing it to yourself! Anyways, the rest of the evening I was so scared
I was going to develop OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), that I kept
monitoring each and every symptom I had (this is where my Mom would tell you I
have a mild case of hypochondria). I was quite hilarious for the first hour! Of
course I was fine, other than some cramping, tenderness and an overall feeling
of being bloated. If anything the pills had a worse (or comparative) side
effect for I would wake up in the middle of the night with hot flashes and
some nausea.
At this point the clinic told us when to
have intercourse and then scheduled me in for a pregnancy test two weeks later.
Right from the start, when they said you have to go for a pregnancy test I was
incredibly scared and nervous. I personally preferred the idea of just waiting
for Aunt Flow to arrive, for I felt that it wouldn't get my hopes up
so much. Well that nervousness and anxiety did not go away. The weekend just
prior to the test I was a mess! I had a million thoughts running through my
head ...what if I wasn't pregnant? Ok, we'd keep on trying. But what if I was
pregnant? What if my levels weren't good and I needed to have medication to
help everything along? What if we did the medication and it still didn't work
and miscarried? ... Every possible scenario was running through my head.
I believe that this would happen to anyone in a
similar situation however with my history with Generalized Anxiety
Disorder I feel my brain goes on hyper anxiety mode!
Well I went for the blood work and then
had to wait around for the dreaded results. I was incredibly grateful that good
friends of ours messaged that morning inquiring if they could
come over for a visit. Their timing was impeccable for they arrived
shortly after I got back home and were just loading their little ones back in
the car when I got the call. The blood work was negative. I put a smile on my
face and shared the news with my friends and then started to cry. My one friend
came over to me and embraced me in a nice long hug, no words
of encouragement were shared, no hopefully next time works, just an
embrace to acknowledge the pain I was feeling. It was exactly what I needed at
that moment and I was just so happy that they were still there so I had someone
to talk to. Off and on for the rest of the day and into the next day I
would cry. I just couldn't stop myself. It would sneak up on me and take hold.
As much as I told myself there was only a slight chance that we would have
success on our first round, I felt hope. I kept envisioning being pregnant and
feeling our baby within me. I felt that since I was scheduled for a pregnancy
test there must be some level of hope and optimism! However, all of that was
shattered with the word 'negative'. My dreams and hopes sank and I feel into
despair. Why, why me? Why us? Why can't I even get pregnant? There were times I
was actually thinking that I would like to at least get pregnant and miscarry
than to not conceive at all, for at least I would know that I could get
pregnant. But honestly, I don't want that. I would never wish that on anyone.
After hearing stories from family and friends who have miscarried I feel guilty
for having even thought it.
We have started our second round of Femera and Ovidrel and just
hoping for the best. We were told by the clinic that there is only a 20 - 25%
chance of success each month and that they typically recommend 3 - 4 months
with the Ovulation Induction before meeting with the Doctor again. At
this time we may just try these two cycles and then try on our own in August,
for both of our parents are down for visits and it is going to be an incredibly
busy and stressful month as it is.
My Transvaginal Endoscopy with possible
Laproscopy is scheduled for the beginning of September and more and more I am
feeling that this is the route we will be going and yet at the same time I want
this. More and more I have been questioning endometriosis and I want
to have the answers as to whether or not I have it and if it is
contributing to our struggles. I often wonder what would happen if we do
get pregnant but want to try for a second child, will we struggle just as much?
I want to have all the answers so that we can prepare ourselves accordingly in
the future. Now you may ask, why do you suspect endometriosis? The amount of
pain that I have in my right pelvic area/lower back during my period and during
ovulation is not normal! Even for someone with Fibromyalgia. I had been
thinking back to when my body pain started to get worse, and I don't know if
there is anything to it, but when I went off of the birth control pill in
August of 2012 my pains got worse and worse. There were other things going on
as well such as a new job and travelling however, by that December I was in extreme
pain, triple what it had been prior to August. Also, when I went for the
Sonohystography there was some indication that something was going on due to
the saline fluid still being present in my tubes two days later.
Right now I am working on keeping myself
healthy emotionally and physically. I have been going to a personal trainer to
assist with exercise and although it is a much slower progress than when I went
2 years ago, we are getting there. I spent so much time, money and effort on losing
weight before our wedding to get a healthier body and prepare myself for
pregnancy and in the 2 years since I have gained double what I lost. That alone
has big guilt factors but I try to remind myself that pain levels have been a
huge reason why I've gained (okay, to be honest emotional eating has been a
contributor as well). I know that my weight is not the reason why we
haven't conceived, for like I said I was much smaller when we started
on this journey, but I do feel that weight isn't helping the cause with both
conception and pain. I am also getting more active with yoga. I attend a gentle
flow class each week and am going to start incorporating my own home practice.
This is going to be key for relaxation and overall mental health! We'll see how
it all goes but at this point any progress is good progress!
Finally, I just want to take a moment and
thank everyone who has followed our story thus far. I have a lot of emotions
and some are quite awkward and difficult but I have felt a lot of relief in the
ability to share, so thank you for your continued support and encouragement!
This is a difficult journey especially when there
are pregnancy announcements and baby announcements galore
but I know that we will ultimately be okay. We have grown stronger as a couple
and we can conquer this, one way or another!
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