Everyone goes through a hard time at some point. Whether it is a struggle in relationships with friends, family or coworkers. Stress with school or work. Struggles trying to find a job and pay the bills from month to month, or dealing with chronic pain or other illnesses. This list is not exhaustive but meant to illustrate that we all go through some sort of struggle and deal with those struggles in our own ways. Some people choose to remain quiet and deal with it on their own, others choose to speak out and share their struggles. Either way most people are looking for support.
Support comes in an wide assortment of ways which makes sense because we are all unique and we all deal with things differently. Some people don't like to talk about struggles for they have either never learned how to be open with emotions, or it makes them uncomfortable, so they sit back quietly acknowledging your struggle with a simple 'wishing you well'. Others research what you are going through, trying to put themselves in your shoes and be as sensitive to your struggles as possible. Some people ask you questions about what you are going through and offer suggestions. Again, this is not an exhaustive list and there are so many different levels of support and different ways of expressing it.
For people receiving support the expectation is typically non-judgement.
People are looking for someone to listen and offer encouragement. They do not want judgments or someone telling them how they should cope. They are looking for someone to lift them up. Ask them how they are doing.
Some people however, feel they are being supportive when in fact they are being more hurtful. I am a firm believer on being assertive about your needs. If someone says something to you and you don't find it helpful, then let them know. Too many people cry in silence because of well intended 'support' that came across as insensitive. Does this mean that you have to say something to every comment? No, unless that is who you are and what you choose to do. It is finding a balance between shrugging off comments that you know are innocent and letting someone know when you don't find something helpful (and all the levels in between). If you choose to address it, I feel that it should be about expressing what part of the support was not helpful to you. For instance I had a good friend of mine tell me she was so excited that we were going to a Fertility Clinic. I wanted her to understand my experience so I explained to her that I was happy to be finally getting answers, however I would be more excited if we were pregnant and didn't have to go through this process. The idea of 'having' to go to a Fertility clinic was actually very sad to me. She then understood where I was at, struggling with our journey, and we were able to talk about the frustrations openly.
At work, we had a a co-worker bring in her 1 year old child for a luncheon to welcome her back from maternity leave. Another coworker of mine (who is aware of our struggles) was playing with him and asked me if looking at him 'gave me an itch'. Personally, I found the comment to be blah. It wasn't insensitive or even inappropriate but it struck a nerve. Perhaps it was because looking at that little boy was reminding me how much I wanted a child and the struggles we were having. Now, I recognized that I was being sensitive to this comment and merely responded with a smile and told her that I have had the 'itch' for some time now. I knew her comment was well intended and didn't feel the need to say anything more.
There are comments that can come across as being very insensitive and hurtful, and personally I will tell someone if I do not appreciate those comments. It is not meant as an attack, nor is meant to 'push' people away. It is me being assertive and telling people what I find helpful in their efforts to be supportive. For example if someone told me to just 'relax' and let it happen when it happens, I would most like tell them that I do not find that comment helpful and actually it can be very insensitive. I would share that for me I find it very hard to 'relax' when we have been trying for so long and keep failing and that telling me to 'relax' minimizes the troubles that we are experiencing.
Here is the kicker though. Some people will take offense to your being assertive and will accuse you of 'pushing' supportive people away. They will take your comments personally and not realize that it is not about them, but about you and where you are at. They will tell you that you do nothing but focus on the 'negative' and therefore will miss out on other opportunities in life. They will judge and criticize the way you choose to cope with your grief and struggles, 'all in the name of supporting you'. Personally I feel that if someone is truly trying to be supportive, and feels as though you are being 'too negative' and are really concerned, they would reach out and ask you how you are doing. They would not be commenting on how negative they feel you are. Individuals such as this have no intention of understanding your perspective and in all actuality will accuse you of being too sensitive or the one with the problem.
Now, I would caution anyone who is receiving 'bad' support to not 'compare' struggles. As I said above everyone has a struggle either known or private. If someone is trying to offer support and you are assertively expressing why you do not find that support helpful just focus on what they did (or said) and how it made you feel. You can tell them that they cannot understand how you are feeling if they have not experienced the same before however, do not tell them that 'they have it easy'. Do not point out different aspects of their life, such as times when they struggled, it is not applicable to the situation. We are not in competition and in fact we all grow as individuals when we open ourselves up to new perspectives and understandings.
There are some however, who still will not understand. You will not change their perspective no matter how hard you try. The decision then becomes what to do about it. There may be people like this in your life that you love with all your heart, your family or close friend, and no matter how hurtful their comments are or heartbreaking it is that you know they will never 'get it' you don't want to ruin the relationship. Therefore the choice may be to merely 'ignore'. Not engage in those conversations with them and recognize that they will in fact, never change. It doesn't mean that it is not as hurtful but you acknowledge that their being in your life is more important to you.Some people you will see on a daily basis and will not have any other option but to ignore them, such as coworkers. It is easier to either ignore the conversation than it may be to ignore the person.
For those people who you are not as close to you may choose to walk away from them. Their consistently judging the way you choose to cope and invalidating your experiences by telling you to 'buck up' or just 'stay positive' can be toxic over time and nobody needs that. You know that no matter what you say, or how you try to express yourself and reason with them, there will be no solution. They will always view you as being too sensitive, too negative and will view themselves as this great supporter that you are now loosing. Well just remember it is not a loss. It is okay to walk away and do not feel guilty. They will never understand.
Remind yourself that it was in fact their behaviour that resulted in them being cut off. But of course they will not see it that way and that is okay.
It is all about finding the balance. There is no right or wrong answer and each person will handle situations differently based on their personalities and what is right for them. Personally, I have no qualms about removing these people from my life. For while they claim that you are the toxic one, they are not able to see how much toxicity they create.
I personally feel blessed to have a great support network around me and I have found that my being open and assertive about what I find helpful in support has strengthened my relationships. I know I am still on my way to accepting my situation and I do struggle daily with not letting my situation get the best of me, but I know with my friends and family around me I will make it through :)
*Please note that this is all from my perspective and each person will feel differently about each situation. This is not a 'How to Book', but an expression of my experiences*
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