Testing Testing 1, 2, 3 ...

Picking up where my original post left off, the testing! There may be some graphic language so this post is not for those who are easily offended :) This is an infertility blog after all!

Our testing started in April with hubby going for blood work and submitting his little swimmers for a semen analysis. Now, I have to put my two sense in here about how 'easy' men have it! Men (at least for the initial testing and through our experience) have the option to do their 'test' at home and quite frankly, I think it is an enjoyable experience for them ... how could it not be!! A few times when I would be going for testing I would look at my hubby and say 'I really want to hate you, you get to masturbate and orgasm during your test and I have a Dr. all up in my hoo haw, which is quite uncomfortable'. He was always a good sport, laughing along with me and actually apologizing for having it easy. I am sure he felt bad for all I had to go through. 

Easter Sunday was the first day of testing for me. I was joking that this was the day that all the kids would be going on an Egg hunt while at the same time the Dr. would be doing his very own Egg hunt on me! (I know crazy sense of humour). During the cycle monitoring I went in a total of six times. Each visit I had blood work and a trans vaginal ultrasound completed, I guess they look at the eggs and hormone levels and whether or not I could ovulate on my own. It was definitely awkward and uncomfortable at first, even though I am no stranger to gynecological testing! I suggested that they put little cartoons or motivational quotes on the ceiling for people to look at during the procedures (they had it at my gynecologists office and I feel that it lightened the mood and made an uncomfortable situation a little more bearable), I should put that in the suggestion box :) I found it emotional going through the initial testing for I never thought that we'd be here. I always envisioned just getting pregnant right away and therefore I had to come to terms with having to go to a Fertility Clinic and having my 'plans' change.  There were a couple visits that were especially rough for me though. I was called into the diagnostic room and told to 'empty' my bladder first, then they asked me to change (okay, it's not getting changed, it's getting undressed from the waist down! But whatever they choose to call it ... lol) and then I sat there waiting for the technician to come back. Once it took 10 minutes and another time it took over 20 minutes.  By the time the technician came back I had to go the washroom again, having to put my clothes back on, leave the room, return and getting undressed again. Being by myself and still adjusting to the whole idea, it was not a pleasant experience. I have also noticed that my physical pain significantly increases during the time I ovulate and therefore the second time it happened (the 20 mins) I was in a lot of pain and was nearly in tears just by sitting on the table for so long.  The staff were all fairly nice which was nice a least :) 

During the testing process I also had a Sonohysterography, which I am super glad I was given the heads up to take an Advil prior to going in! Due to my chronic pain issues I had taken a Tylenol 3 prior to driving to the appointment, since it was about an hour drive and that is usually difficult for me, and then just before the appointment itself I took an Advil. Even still it was quite uncomfortable for me. There was a deep deep pressure that was equivalent to menstrual cramps, which I personally find very painful. Luckily it didn't last long, more intense during the appointment and then dissipating within a half hour. 

We finished all of the testing on May 8th and then we had to wait for a call from the Dr.'s office to go in and discuss the results. Initially we had to wait until June 17th for our appointment however we got a call on Monday that there was a cancellation for Tuesday, so luckily we got in a month earlier. Results indicate that Hubby is a fine specimen of a man, apparently his sperm analysis was 333 million (or there about), whereas the norm is anywhere from 220 million to 300 million. The Dr. gave him a prescription for Viagra if performance anxiety affects his ability to Baby Dance (term used in infertility support groups for sex), but other than that he is medically cleared! I on the other hand ... we still don't know. I ovulated on my own, producing one follicle that was about 17mm. A week after ovulation my progesterone levels were 7.3 (ish) and I was told that they should be 10 or higher so the Dr. wants to start me on Letrozole (Femera) next cycle. I read up on the the medication and it appears as though it is used to release more than one egg at a time, a process termed superovulation or controlled ovarian hyperstimulation. I was informed that the chances of conceiving multiples with this medication is 2%.  He is also going to be booking me for a Transvaginal Endoscopy (TVE) to investigate things further. He mentioned that the Sonohysterography showed that my tubes and uterus were open and cleared however the following ultrasound showed that I still had fluid in my right tube, he also mentioned that there was some traces of blood in my uterus. He said that if there is anything showing in the TVE, such as endometriosis, then he will do a Laparoscopy at the same time and clear it out. So now we just have to wait for the appointment and give the Femera a try. Still so much about all of this that I don't understand but I suppose I will learn along the way! I am just glad that we are doing something at this point! 

So, now we move forward and continue on. I am still frustrated as hell and feeling as though I am failure to myself and my husband, it is hard not to since I have experienced so many changes in the past year and a half that has affected how I am able to do things independently. Hubby and I are still going strong, even though we may have our moments, but we are 100% open with one another about how we are doing. Okay, who am I kidding, I am open with him and he nods his head in agreement once awhile :). Although, there are moments when he opens up and tells me how much he wants to have children as well and how much it hurts him to see others getting pregnant knowing how much we have struggled. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this journey, even if he is not able to express himself all the time :) 

Handling 'Bad' Support

Everyone goes through a hard time at some point. Whether it is a struggle in relationships with friends, family or coworkers. Stress with school or work. Struggles trying to find a job and pay the bills from month to month, or dealing with chronic pain or other illnesses. This list is not exhaustive but meant to illustrate that we all go through some sort of struggle and deal with those struggles in our own ways. Some people choose to remain quiet and deal with it on their own, others choose to speak out and share their struggles. Either way most people are looking for support. 

Support comes in an wide assortment of ways which makes sense because we are all unique and we all deal with things differently. Some people don't like to talk about struggles for they have either never learned how to be open with emotions, or it makes them uncomfortable, so they sit back quietly acknowledging your struggle with a simple 'wishing you well'. Others research what you are going through, trying to put themselves in your shoes and be as sensitive to your struggles as possible. Some people ask you questions about what you are going through and offer suggestions. Again, this is not an exhaustive list and there are so many different levels of support and different ways of expressing it.

For people receiving support the expectation is typically non-judgement.

People are looking for someone to listen and offer encouragement. They do not want judgments or someone telling them how they should cope. They are looking for someone to lift them up. Ask them how they are doing.

Some people however,  feel they are being supportive when in fact they are being more hurtful. I am a firm believer on being assertive about your needs. If someone says something to you and you don't find it helpful, then let them know. Too many people cry in silence because of well intended 'support' that came across as insensitive. Does this mean that you have to say something to every comment? No, unless that is who you are and what you choose to do. It is finding a balance between shrugging off comments that you know are innocent and letting someone know when you don't find something helpful (and all the levels in between). If you choose to address it, I feel that it should be about expressing what part of the support was not helpful to you. For instance I had a good friend of mine tell me she was so excited that we were going to a Fertility Clinic. I wanted her to understand my experience so I explained to her that I was happy to be finally getting answers, however I would be more excited if we were pregnant and didn't have to go through this process. The idea of 'having' to go to a Fertility clinic was actually very sad to me. She then understood where I was at, struggling with our journey, and we were able to talk about the frustrations openly. 

At work, we had a a co-worker bring in her 1 year old child for a luncheon to welcome her back from maternity leave. Another coworker of mine (who is aware of our struggles) was playing with him and asked me if looking at him 'gave me an itch'. Personally, I found the comment to be blah. It wasn't insensitive or even inappropriate but it struck a nerve. Perhaps it was because looking at that little boy was reminding me how much I wanted a child and the struggles we were having. Now, I recognized that I was being sensitive to this comment and merely responded with a smile and told her that I have had the 'itch' for some time now. I knew her comment was well intended and didn't feel the need to say anything more. 

There are comments that can come across as being very insensitive and hurtful, and personally I will tell someone if I do not appreciate those comments. It is not meant as an attack, nor is meant to 'push' people away. It is me being assertive and telling people what I find helpful in their efforts to be supportive. For example if someone told me to just 'relax' and let it happen when it happens, I would most like tell them that I do not find that comment helpful and actually it can be very insensitive. I would share that for me I find it very hard to 'relax' when we have been trying for so long and keep failing and that telling me to 'relax' minimizes the troubles that we are experiencing. 

Here is the kicker though. Some people will take offense to your being assertive and will accuse you of 'pushing' supportive people away. They will take your comments personally and not realize that it is not about them, but about you and where you are at. They will tell you that you do nothing but focus on the 'negative' and therefore will miss out on other opportunities in life. They will judge and criticize the way you choose to cope with your grief and struggles, 'all in the name of supporting you'. Personally I feel that if someone is truly trying to be supportive, and feels as though you are being 'too negative' and are really concerned, they would reach out and ask you how you are doing. They would not be commenting on how negative they feel you are. Individuals such as this have no intention of understanding your perspective and in all actuality will accuse you of being too sensitive or the one with the problem.

Now, I would caution anyone who is receiving 'bad' support to not 'compare' struggles. As I said above everyone has a struggle either known or private. If someone is trying to offer support and you are assertively expressing why you do not find that support helpful just focus on what they did (or said) and how it made you feel. You can tell them that they cannot understand how you are feeling if they have not experienced the same before however, do not tell them that 'they have it easy'. Do not point out different aspects of their life, such as times when they struggled, it is not applicable to the situation. We are not in competition and in fact we all grow as individuals when we open ourselves up to new perspectives and understandings.

There are some however, who still will not understand. You will not change their perspective no matter how hard you try. The decision then becomes what to do about it. There may be people like this in your life that you love with all your heart, your family or close friend, and no matter how hurtful their comments are or heartbreaking it is that you know they will never 'get it' you don't want to ruin the relationship. Therefore the choice may be to merely 'ignore'. Not engage in those conversations with them and recognize that they will in fact, never change. It doesn't mean that it is not as hurtful but you acknowledge that their being in your life is more important to you.

Some people you will see on a daily basis and will not have any other option but to ignore them, such as coworkers. It is easier to either ignore the conversation than it may be to ignore the person.

For those people who you are not as close to you may choose to walk away from them. Their consistently judging the way you choose to cope and invalidating your experiences by telling you to 'buck up' or just 'stay positive' can be toxic over time and nobody needs that. You know that no matter what you say, or how you try to express yourself and reason with them, there will be no solution. They will always view you as being too sensitive, too negative and will view themselves as this great supporter that you are now loosing. Well just remember it is not a loss. It is okay to walk away and do not feel guilty. They will never understand.

 Remind yourself that it was in fact their behaviour that resulted in them being cut off. But of course they will not see it that way and that is okay. 

It is all about finding the balance. There is no right or wrong answer and each person will handle situations differently based on their personalities and what is right for them. Personally, I have no qualms about removing these people from my life. For while they claim that you are the toxic one, they are not able to see how much toxicity they create. 

I personally feel blessed to have a great support network around me and I have found that my being open and assertive about what I find helpful in support has strengthened my relationships. I know I am still on my way to accepting my situation and I do struggle daily with not letting my situation get the best of me, but I know with my friends and family around me I will make it through :) 

*Please note that this is all from my perspective and each person will feel differently about each situation. This is not a 'How to Book', but an expression of my experiences*